I bet after seeing us, George Washington would sue us for calling him ‚father.‘

The Democratic position seems to be everything is going to be free. Free education. Free health care. Free housing. Free love. Free kittens, I don’t know.

I do not, in fact, use many puns. Certainly there are far fewer than people believe. But I suspect the ones I do occasionally use tend to hang around in people’s memories for a while.

My comedy is different every time I do it. I don’t know what the hell I’m doing.

When I’m on stage, it’s really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say it all the right way. It’s funny how different it looks and how it’s happening. There are three Fellini circuses in my head, and outwardly it looks like I’m going to get a bagel.

I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the US Congress.

Most people wouldn’t know music if it came up and bit them on the ass.

Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent, a new nation, conceived in Liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal.

People say I look so happy – and I say, ‚That’s the Botox.‘

When I was with Andy Warhol, I thought, ‚God, his wig looks cheaper than mine!‘

Why should we take advice on sex from the pope? If he knows anything about it, he shouldn’t!

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?

I don’t think comedy will ever die.

I laugh and joke, but I don’t get distracted very easily.

An alcoholic is someone you don’t like who drinks as much as you do.

I’m crazy, but I’m not stupid.

It has always been my private conviction that any man who puts his intelligence up against a fish and loses had it coming.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

My mother is from another time – the funniest person to her is Lucille Ball; that’s what she loves. A lot of times she tells me she doesn’t know what I’m talking about. I know if I wasn’t her son and she was flipping through the TV and saw me, she would just keep going.

Instead of giving money to found colleges to promote learning, why don’t they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as good as the Prohibition one did, why, in five years we would have the smartest race of people on earth.

I wake up every morning at nine and grab for the morning paper. Then I look at the obituary page. If my name is not on it, I get up.

I’ve got a great sense of humor.

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

I like quips. I like whiffs of cynicism and I think they can be witty. But I don’t really know where wittiness is constructive.

I’m so old, I don’t buy green bananas any more.

Is life worth living? It all depends on the liver.

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, ‚What for?‘ I said, ‚I’m going to buy some sugar.‘

Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.

A serious writer is not to be confounded with a solemn writer. A serious writer may be a hawk or a buzzard or even a popinjay, but a solemn writer is always a bloody owl.

Jerry Ford is so dumb he can’t fart and chew gum at the same time.

There’s nothing like white trash at the White House.

If somebody thinks they’re a hedgehog, presumably you just give ‚em a mirror and a few pictures of hedgehogs and tell them to sort it out for themselves.

There are men so philosophical that they can see humor in their own toothaches. But there has never lived a man so philosophical that he could see the toothache in his own humor.

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.

When humor goes, there goes civilization.

I won’t belong to any organization that would have me as a member.

Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them… well, I have others.

In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards.

The only advantage of not being too good a housekeeper is that your guests are so pleased to feel how very much better they are.

But there are advantages to being elected President. The day after I was elected, I had my high school grades classified Top Secret.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

My goal is to make everyone and anyone a Kevin Hart fan.

There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.

When things get so absurd and so stupid and so ridiculous that you just can’t bear it, you cannot help but turn everything into a joke.

Wit is educated insolence.

When people laugh at Mickey Mouse, it’s because he’s so human; and that is the secret of his popularity.

My life has been one great big joke, a dance that’s walked a song that’s spoke, I laugh so hard I almost choke when I think about myself.

The funny thing is people won’t let me pay for things. I’ll be in a restaurant and the manager will say, ‚Oh no, it’s on the house.‘

How do you catch a knuckleball? You wait until it stops rolling, then go pick it up.

Folks, I can tell you I’ve known eight presidents, three of them intimately.

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

Against the assault of laughter, nothing can stand.

In Beverly Hills… they don’t throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.

Chris Rock does the political thing really well, but that never worked for me.

I think being funny is not anyone’s first choice.

Contrary to reports, this boy is not a billionaire or going to be richer than any Beatle… and not just in the sense of money, by the way; the Beatles are untouchable – those billionaire reports are a joke.

In my house I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.

Being a good husband is like being a good stand-up comic – you need ten years before you can even call yourself a beginner.

You know, my Grandpop Finnegan used to have an expression: he used to say, ‚Joey, the guy in Olyphant’s out of work, it’s an economic slowdown. When your brother-in-law’s out of work, it’s a recession. When you’re out of work, it’s a depression.‘

The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.