I bet after seeing us, George Washington would sue us for calling him ‚father.‘

Stand-up is my baby.

You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.

Homework’s hard. Especially math. My kids joke with me. They tell me they have homework. I say, ‚Okay.‘ And then I sit down and they say, ‚It’s math.‘ ‚No! Not math! English, history, anything!‘

A serious writer is not to be confounded with a solemn writer. A serious writer may be a hawk or a buzzard or even a popinjay, but a solemn writer is always a bloody owl.

Be thankful we’re not getting all the government we’re paying for.

A friend of mine jokes that I have a painstaking royalty complex. Like maybe I was a duke in a past life.

It doesn’t make a difference what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature.

The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I think being funny is not anyone’s first choice.

I have no desire to crow over anybody or to see anybody eating crow, figuratively or otherwise. We should all get together and make a country in which everybody can eat turkey whenever he pleases.

I did stand-up, weird and ignorant stuff about my career – anything for a laugh.

By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man’s, I mean.

The aim of a joke is not to degrade the human being, but to remind him that he is already degraded.

I’m not a serious person, and I don’t like serious people.

Sometimes I wish my first word was ‚quote,‘ so that on my death bed, my last words could be ‚end quote.‘

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‚Where’s the self-help section?‘ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Everyone has at least one story, and each of us is funny if we admit it. You have to admit you’re the funniest person you’ve ever heard of.

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow; there is no humor in Heaven.

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he’s Frank and in Chicago he’s Ernest.

I am a dangerous man when turned loose with a typewriter.

I remember straightening my hair because I wanted to be like everybody else, and now the fact that anybody would emulate what I do? It’s just funny.

There’s something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after she’s only measured water in it.

There’s nothing like white trash at the White House.

I try to be funny and not ignorant.

The nice thing about being a celebrity is that, if you bore people, they think it’s their fault.

Stand-up is hard.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they’re eating sandwiches.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

What I have never been afraid of is to be a little silly, and you can engage people that way. My view is, first you get them to laugh, then you get them to listen.

I love nerdy, cute, quirky boys who don’t take themselves too seriously.

The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.

You make ‚em, I amuse ‚em.

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

Government is like a baby. An alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other.

Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

My husband says I look like a Q-tip.

The secret to humor is surprise.

You know, my Grandpop Finnegan used to have an expression: he used to say, ‚Joey, the guy in Olyphant’s out of work, it’s an economic slowdown. When your brother-in-law’s out of work, it’s a recession. When you’re out of work, it’s a depression.‘

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

Obama’s not Jesus. He can’t walk on water.

There is only one step from the sublime to the ridiculous.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

Chris Rock does the political thing really well, but that never worked for me.

I once told Nixon that the Presidency is like being a jackass caught in a hail storm. You’ve got to just stand there and take it.

Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.

Since childhood, I’ve been a clown. I’ve always liked being very funny or trying to make people laugh. It’s my original self.

My absolute favourite piece of information is the fact that young sloths are so inept that they frequently grab their own arms and legs instead of tree limbs, and fall out of trees.

I often joke that 100 years from now I hope people are saying, ‚Dang, she looks good for her age!‘

I have often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can’t get my wife to go swimming.

I do not, in fact, use many puns. Certainly there are far fewer than people believe. But I suspect the ones I do occasionally use tend to hang around in people’s memories for a while.

Believe it or not, I make myself laugh. Sometimes when I have thoughts or say some things that are funny, it just makes me laugh, and I don’t mind laughing at it before you guys do.

Work is the curse of the drinking classes.

My mother is from another time – the funniest person to her is Lucille Ball; that’s what she loves. A lot of times she tells me she doesn’t know what I’m talking about. I know if I wasn’t her son and she was flipping through the TV and saw me, she would just keep going.

I had noticed that many of these successful people, historical and contemporary, shared certain common traits. They had a way of thinking that was exceptionally fluid; they could adapt to almost any circumstance; when confronted with problems, they could look at them from novel perspectives and solve them.

I would never win an award for not loving pizza.