I am not afraid of death, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

Gays are some of the nicest, kindest, most loving people in the world.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.

Do not laugh much or often or unrestrainedly.

We must build dikes of courage to hold back the flood of fear.

What we live by we die by.

My father had died, and very swiftly, too, of cancer of the esophagus. He was 79. I am 61. In whatever kind of a ‚race‘ life may be, I have very abruptly become a finalist.

I look just like the girls next door… if you happen to live next door to an amusement park.

Everything is changing. People are taking their comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.

Unless India stands up to the world, no one will respect us. In this world, fear has no place. Only strength respects strength.

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

I won’t touch on risky, because that’s subjective. People are just afraid of things too much. Afraid of things that don’t necessarily merit fear.

Me and my dad are friends. We’re cool. I’ll never be disappointed again, because I don’t expect anything anymore from him. I just let him exist, and that’s how we get along.

If it’s stress of things that we cannot control, what you have to do is you mitigate that stress as much as possible. You’ve planned, you’ve trained, you’ve done everything you can in your power to mitigate the stress that’s facing you. And then after that, there’s nothing you can do. So, you have to let that one go.

The aim of a joke is not to degrade the human being, but to remind him that he is already degraded.

One of my big goals as a human being is to continue to write what’s really happening to me, even if it’s a tough pill to swallow for people around me… I do fear that if I ever were to have someone in my life who mattered, I would second-guess every one of my lyrics.

No passion so effectually robs the mind of all its powers of acting and reasoning as fear.

Paris by night is a nightmare now. It is not a cliche anymore.

Because I could not stop for death, He kindly stopped for me; The carriage held but just ourselves and immortality.

In time we hate that which we often fear.

I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.

Death is the wish of some, the relief of many, and the end of all.

I have no desire to crow over anybody or to see anybody eating crow, figuratively or otherwise. We should all get together and make a country in which everybody can eat turkey whenever he pleases.

I have lived eighty years of life and know nothing for it, but to be resigned and tell myself that flies are born to be eaten by spiders and man to be devoured by sorrow.

Man weeps to think that he will die so soon; woman, that she was born so long ago.

The quietly pacifist peaceful always die to make room for men who shout.

Nothing shows a man’s character more than what he laughs at.

I love the name of honor, more than I fear death.

Reality has a way of intruding. Reality eventually intrudes on everything.

There’s a long way to fall when you pretend that you’re so far away from the earth, far away from reality, floating in a bubble that’s protected by fame or success. It’s scary, and it’s the thing I fear the most: to be swallowed up by that bubble. It can be poison to you, fame.

What the mind doesn’t understand, it worships or fears.

My philosophy is, it’s always very rewarding when you can make an audience laugh. I don’t mind making fun of myself. I like self-deprecating comedy. But I’d like you to laugh with me occasionally, too.

People want to know why I do this, why I write such gross stuff. I like to tell them I have the heart of a small boy… and I keep it in a jar on my desk.

It’s funny; recently I’ve started to notice people’s impersonations of me, and it’s basically like a hyperactive child.

I have never made but one prayer to God, a very short one: ‚O Lord make my enemies ridiculous.‘ And God granted it.

I’m not confused. I’m just well mixed.

Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.

My neighbor has a circular driveway… he can’t get out.

Shame is the most powerful, master emotion. It’s the fear that we’re not good enough.

Comedians are sociologists. We’re pointing out stuff that the general public doesn’t even stop to think about, looking at life in slow-motion and questioning everything we see.

It’s a funny thing that when a man hasn’t anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married.

The first of April is the day we remember what we are the other 364 days of the year.

Someone has to die in order that the rest of us should value life more.

The more you can increase fear of drugs and crime, welfare mothers, immigrants and aliens, the more you control all the people.

If you can feel that Mother Earth is in you, and you are Mother Earth, then you are not any longer afraid to die because the earth is not dying. Like a wave appears and disappears and appears again.

All you need to do to be my friend is like me.

I didn’t know any gay people in my childhood.

It’s a funny old world.

Someone once asked me, ‚How long does it take to do your hair.‘ I said, ‚I don’t know, I’m never there.‘

I don’t care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

Regrets are the natural property of grey hairs.

Sometimes, people can be extraordinarily judgmental and closed-minded to anyone different or special, which is why it’s so hard for young people in this day and age to be comfortable enough in their own skin to not listen to the people picking on them.

I was willing to accept what I couldn’t change.

Fear defeats more people than any other one thing in the world.

It has always been my private conviction that any man who puts his intelligence up against a fish and loses had it coming.

Cut out all these exclamation points. An exclamation point is like laughing at your own joke.

Laughter is America’s most important export.

Overcoming fear is the first step to success for entrepreneurs. The winners all exemplify that, and the hard work and commitment they have shown underlines what is needed to set up a business.

I’m not a serious person, and I don’t like serious people.

There’s something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after she’s only measured water in it.