I absolutely want to have a career where you make’em laugh and make’em cry. It’s all theater.

Acting is happy agony.

Of course, it does depend on the people, but sometimes I’m invited places to kind of brighten up a dinner table like a musician who’ll play the piano after dinner, and I know you’re not really invited for yourself. You’re just an ornament.

You see some of the weirdest people in Detroit casinos.

When I’m getting to know someone, I look for someone who has passions that I respect, like his career. Someone who loves what he does is really attractive.

I love that I can tell the truth and have people laugh at it.

For some of us, watching a miniseries that lasts longer than most marriages is not easy.

All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.

The idea of going to school and getting a job is the most destructive one in your brain.

If I had never ventured beyond being a stand-up comic, then I would be sitting in my house today working on my Leonardo DiCaprio impression.

I have kind of a funny relationship with movies. I don’t have to see the whole movie to get an impression of it or to let it have an influence on me.

Drama usually has some sort of intense conflict.

I’d love to go into WWE and have a real knock and see what’s what.

I don’t get up, get dressed, go out, and think, ‚Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.‘

I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.

I’m a workin‘ girl.

My goal is to make everyone and anyone a Kevin Hart fan.

My goal was never to be the loudest or the craziest. It was to be the most entertaining.

When the first big paycheque with ‚Dumb And Dumber‘ hit, I went: ‚Gosh, I wonder if this will affect my performance. Will I do a take and think, was that worth $7 million?‘ But that never happened. If anything, it made me rebel against that thing when people who get rich start playing it safe.

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

That’s something that is almost accidental at the beginning of a career, but the more you write, the more trained you are to recognize the little signals.

If someone has a really great boyfriend or career, I think, it’s cool that happens.

Neil Young is my hero, and such a great example. You know what that guy has been doing for the past 40 years? Making music. That’s what that guy does. Sometimes you pay attention, sometimes you don’t. Sometimes he hands it to you, sometimes he keeps it to himself. He’s a good man with a beautiful family and wonderful life.

I love Chris Brown. He’s a superstar. He’s one of the best singers out there.

Work is making a living out of being bored.

Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can’t predict what people will laugh at.

In my school, the brightest boys did math and physics, the less bright did physics and chemistry, and the least bright did biology. I wanted to do math and physics, but my father made me do chemistry because he thought there would be no jobs for mathematicians.

I don’t know how the rap game is, because I’m a fan of reality, and the rap game’s entertainment.

I think everyone should experience defeat at least once during their career. You learn a lot from it.

I need drama in my life to keep making music.

I guess any movie actor can become a role model for audiences out there who enjoy him.

I performed in a bowling alley before while people were still bowling. Cut the check, and I will perform anywhere.

Throughout my career, I fed off the fuel of people not being able to understand me.

I didn’t want to be a fashion designer, and for a good half of my career I didn’t like it. I always wanted to do other things.

Sometimes I wonder why I’m a novelist right now. There is no definite career reason why I became a writer. Something happened, and I became a writer. And now I’m a successful writer.

I love making people laugh. And I love laughing.

Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.

I know some of the best Dolly Parton jokes. I made ‚em up myself.

I’m a pretty funny guy, and I would love to do a comedy with a bunch of funny guys – movie-star guys, where they could help me through it.

I hold the world but as the world, Gratiano; A stage where every man must play a part, And mine is a sad one.

People are using Windows PCs more than they watch TV now.

I had a lot of success from the start. I never really was tested for long periods of time. I got my first professional job while I was a senior in college. I signed with the William Morris Agency before I graduated.

I enjoy driving on the sim, doing stuff like that, staying at home.

I’m not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb… and I also know that I’m not blonde.

‚Via Dolorosa‘ is the only thing I have ever acted in my life, professionally, and I’ll never act again.

For me, the way I stay consistent is through stand-up comedy.

Every time I try to retire, or even think of retiring from acting, my agent comes up with a script.

You never get over losses. I’ve never gotten over one loss I’ve had in my career. They always stick with me.

I was 18 years old, and it was a dream come true for me to work out and eat great food for free. What else do you want in life? People think that is what it is like to be in a SEAL team, but it is less than a fraction of your career as a real SEAL.

Doing a show for three weeks is nothing like doing a show for seven seasons.

In music the passions enjoy themselves.

Before I became a chief minister, I never thought that one day I’d be the chief minister.

That’s when it becomes a business. When you’ve been public a long time, when it’s a career. You do certain films, you sell them.

I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that would be on the show every night – and I’d dream about it being me.

I would rather entertain and hope that people learned something than educate people and hope they were entertained.

I do admire Judi Dench and Sir Ian McKellen, but I’m a philistine. I like the good life too much; I’m not good at going on stage night after night and on wet Wednesday afternoons.

There are folks who now know black families – like the Johnsons on ‚Black-ish‘ or the folks on ‚Modern Family.‘ They become part of who you are. You share their pains. You understand their fears. They make you laugh, and they change how you see the world.

Writers are always writing about infidelity. It’s so dramatic. The wickedness of it, the secrecy, the complications, the finding that you thought you were one person but you’re also this other person. The innocent life and the guilty life. My God, it’s just full of stuff for a writer. I doubt it will ever go out of fashion.

I don’t know who I touch and who I don’t. I work hard trying to make people laugh. I try to do the kind of stuff that made me laugh growing up. I don’t have any secrets. I don’t know the reasons I’ve been so well received.

When Jerry Springer thinks you’ve gone too far, my friends, you have gone too far.

I could do nothing but Brooklyn shows for the rest of my career, and I could die ignorant.