Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn’t pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.

It is absolutely impossible to transcend the laws of nature. What can change in historically different circumstances is only the form in which these laws expose themselves.

Every fact is related on one side to sensation, and, on the other, to morals. The game of thought is, on the appearance of one of these two sides, to find the other: given the upper, to find the under side.

Nobody enjoys the ‚little show about nothing‘ humor more than me, but that is never the way I look at it.

Everything is changing. People are taking their comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

I have learned that only two things are necessary to keep one’s wife happy. First, let her think she’s having her own way. And second, let her have it.

Wit is the epitaph of an emotion.

For me, it’s a purity thing about the joke itself. It’s a test of a joke whether or not you do it completely clean and it works. If it does, then that’s a legitimate item you have there. For me, it’s nothing to do with finding those words offensive. It’s just not what I’m in search of. Do it clean, and you are really earning that laugh.

Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else.

If you spend your life competing with business men, what do you have? A bank account and ulcers!

If I ever had twins, I’d use one for parts.

Against the assault of laughter, nothing can stand.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

When you’re in comedy, people always come up and say, ‚Oh, it must be so hard.‘ It really isn’t hard unless you’re not good at it. If you can do it, its really kind of fun and easy.

I hate to be smart.

Why, I’d horse-whip you if I had a horse.

If Everton were playing down the bottom of my garden, I’d draw the curtains.

Humorists can never start to take themselves seriously. It’s literary suicide.

If you judge, investigate.

Let blockheads read what blockheads wrote.

Ultimately, a real understanding of history means that we face nothing new under the sun.

What do I think of Western civilization? I think it would be a very good idea.

Is life worth living? It all depends on the liver.

Prejudices are what fools use for reason.

Work is the curse of the drinking classes.

There is no gambling like politics.

The first of April is the day we remember what we are the other 364 days of the year.

The most successful war seldom pays for its losses.

An unemployed court jester is nobody’s fool.

Humor must not professedly teach and it must not professedly preach, but it must do both if it would live forever.

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

I’m not denyin‘ the women are foolish. God Almighty made ‚em to match the men.

I still derive immense pleasure from remembering how many hod-carrying brickies were encouraged to put on lurex tights and mince up and down the high street, having been assured by know-it-alls like me that a smidgen of blusher really attracted the birds.

For all right judgment of any man or things it is useful, nay, essential, to see his good qualities before pronouncing on his bad.

History is only the register of crimes and misfortunes.

Humor has justly been regarded as the finest perfection of poetic genius.

My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‚All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.‘

Anybody with a sense of humor is going to put on my album and laugh from beginning to end.

What we achieved was a nuclear pause, not a nuclear halt.

I’m not a serious person, and I don’t like serious people.

It was that famous joke: What’s the last thing the drummer said before he got kicked out of the band? ‚Hey, I wrote a song.‘

Humor has bailed me out of more tight situations than I can think of. If you go with your instincts and keep your humor, creativity follows. With luck, success comes, too.

The lady doth protest too much, methinks.

The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

As abhorrent as some of this content can be, I do think that it gets down to this principle of giving people a voice.

Good humor is one of the best articles of dress one can wear in society.

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

This administration is going to be cussed and discussed for years to come.

How do you catch a knuckleball? You wait until it stops rolling, then go pick it up.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards.

There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.

Tradition becomes our security, and when the mind is secure it is in decay.

People want to know why I do this, why I write such gross stuff. I like to tell them I have the heart of a small boy… and I keep it in a jar on my desk.

Dispassionate objectivity is itself a passion, for the real and for the truth.

In Beverly Hills… they don’t throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.