Humor is the first of the gifts to perish in a foreign tongue.

If I have the chance to say something, I will say it – but that doesn’t obligate me to always say something, or to shed light on every problem, as if I were a lawmaker.

MySpace is my wife… Facebook is my mistress.

God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board.

Is everything funny? For me, yes. There’s a positive to every negative. Even my divorce? For me, yes. If you go back and look at it, why it happened or how it happened, there’s something in there that’ll make you laugh.

If you must speak ill of another, do not speak it, write it in the sand near the water’s edge.

Give every man thy ear, but few thy voice.

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

The secret to humor is surprise.

To understand Europe, you have to be a genius – or French.

If Everton were playing down the bottom of my garden, I’d draw the curtains.

I meet people overseas that know five languages – that the only language I’m comfortable in is English.

Mind you, the Elizabethans had so many words for the female genitals that it is quite hard to speak a sentence of modern English without inadvertently mentioning at least three of them.

Just talk to me as a father – not what the Constitution says. What do you feel?

Short words are best and the old words when short are best of all.

Men govern nothing with more difficulty than their tongues, and can moderate their desires more than their words.

Honest disagreement is often a good sign of progress.

God and I have a great relationship, but we both see other people.

If you want to influence people, you want them to accept your suggestions, you don’t say, ‚You don’t know how to use the English language,‘ or ‚How could you make that argument?‘ It will be welcomed much more if you have a gentle touch than if you are aggressive.

I’m half-Irish, half-Dutch, and I was born in Belgium. If I was a dog, I’d be in a hell of a mess!

I was also a junior and I know how you learn from seniors, that’s how you follow. Speeches don’t work.

I’ll tell you one thing, since I’m married, single people look absolutely ridiculous to me.

Talk that does not end in any kind of action is better suppressed altogether.

Tell the truth, but tell it slant.

He must be very ignorant for he answers every question he is asked.

Why don’t Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.

I promised myself that I would write as well as I can, tell the truth, not to tell everything I know, but to make sure that everything I tell is true, as I understand it. And to use the eloquence which my language affords me.

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

Wit is the lowest form of humor.

I have never developed indigestion from eating my words.

Speeches that are measured by the hour will die with the hour.

Action speaks louder than words but not nearly as often.

Words can be said in bitterness and anger, and often there seems to be an element of truth in the nastiness. And words don’t go away, they just echo around.

When you really listen to another person from their point of view, and reflect back to them that understanding, it’s like giving them emotional oxygen.

If we go on your iPhone and go to the dictionary and look up ‚humble,‘ 80 per cent of the definition is negative. It’s a controlling word. It’s a way to control the masses and to control the sheep.

I love making people laugh. And I love laughing.

What can I say? I’m a talker.

If you can speak what you will never hear, if you can write what you will never read, you have done rare things.

I’m screamingly funny, you know, I really am in the books. And that helps because I’m funnier than a lot of people, I think, and that’s appreciated by young people.

If you’re really satisfied with your position on something, you just say, ‚Hey;‘ you just very calmly present something.

If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.

Good leaders must communicate vision clearly, creatively, and continually. However, the vision doesn’t come alive until the leader models it.

Whoever the coach is, my job is to talk to him, understand him and be a better player under him and give my best.

You are not only responsible for what you say, but also for what you do not say.

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

Words are loaded pistols.

I don’t get up, get dressed, go out, and think, ‚Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.‘

Babies don’t need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach… it pisses me off! I’ll go over to a little baby and say ‚What are you doing here? You haven’t worked a day in your life!‘

There is a huge need and a huge opportunity to get everyone in the world connected, to give everyone a voice and to help transform society for the future. The scale of the technology and infrastructure that must be built is unprecedented, and we believe this is the most important problem we can focus on.

I still derive immense pleasure from remembering how many hod-carrying brickies were encouraged to put on lurex tights and mince up and down the high street, having been assured by know-it-alls like me that a smidgen of blusher really attracted the birds.

Talk well of the absent whenever you have the opportunity.

People who know little are usually great talkers, while men who know much say little.

I’ve tried to reduce profanity but I reduced so much profanity when writing the book that I’m afraid not much could come out. Perhaps we will have to consider it simply as a profane book and hope that the next book will be less profane or perhaps more sacred.

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

Before I speak, I have something important to say.

Without tact you can learn nothing.

If you pour your life into songs, you want them to be heard. It’s a desire to communicate. A deep desire to communicate inspires songwriting.

We write for the same reason that we walk, talk, climb mountains or swim the oceans – because we can. We have some impulse within us that makes us want to explain ourselves to other human beings. That’s why we paint, that’s why we dare to love someone – because we have the impulse to explain who we are.

When I got somethin‘ to say, I’ll say it.

My kids are the funniest two human beings there are.

In true dialogue, both sides are willing to change.