Humor is reason gone mad.

Only two things are necessary to keep one’s wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it.

It is really funny when people say you’d be obvious for a great villain.

I have a very strict gun control policy: if there’s a gun around, I want to be in control of it.

I don’t know who I touch and who I don’t. I work hard trying to make people laugh. I try to do the kind of stuff that made me laugh growing up. I don’t have any secrets. I don’t know the reasons I’ve been so well received.

I’ve exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.

Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn’t pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

Believe it or not, I make myself laugh. Sometimes when I have thoughts or say some things that are funny, it just makes me laugh, and I don’t mind laughing at it before you guys do.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

Faith must trample under foot all reason, sense, and understanding.

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.

It is impossible to reason without arriving at a Supreme Being.

Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee, and I’ll forgive Thy great big joke on me.

I know I’m more on television, and I’m more recognisable than maybe even the players because they run and train, but I just stand there, and my face does all these funny things that everyone can see all the time.

What makes all doctrines plain and clear? About two hundred pounds a year. And that which was proved true before, prove false again? Two hundred more.

‚Educational‘ refers to the process, not the object. Although, come to think of it, some of my teachers could easily have been replaced by a cheeseburger.

I’m not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb… and I also know that I’m not blonde.

It’s funny; recently I’ve started to notice people’s impersonations of me, and it’s basically like a hyperactive child.

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they’re eating sandwiches.

We can be thankful to a friend for a few acres, or a little money; and yet for the freedom and command of the whole earth, and for the great benefits of our being, our life, health, and reason, we look upon ourselves as under no obligation.

An unemployed court jester is nobody’s fool.

I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the US Congress.

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

I grew up in a funny way.

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

When I jumped off a roof in Cannes in a bee costume, I looked ridiculous. But this is my business; I have to humiliate myself.

I remember the first time I heard a teenager say ‚LOL.‘ Just what? But it means ‚laugh.‘ Why don’t you just laugh? What are you doing?

Ice-cream is exquisite – what a pity it isn’t illegal.

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

Humor has justly been regarded as the finest perfection of poetic genius.

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.

Grace is not part of consciousness; it is the amount of light in our souls, not knowledge nor reason.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

Men show their character in nothing more clearly than what they think laughable.

The intelligent man finds almost everything ridiculous, the sensible man hardly anything.

Nothing has been purchased more dearly than the little bit of reason and sense of freedom which now constitutes our pride.

I often joke that 100 years from now I hope people are saying, ‚Dang, she looks good for her age!‘

If you can’t make it better, you can laugh at it.

When I die, I’m leaving my body to science fiction.

Laughter is one of the very privileges of reason, being confined to the human species.

Where the senses fail us, reason must step in.

Reason is a harmonising, controlling force rather than a creative one.

If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

Instead of giving money to found colleges to promote learning, why don’t they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as good as the Prohibition one did, why, in five years we would have the smartest race of people on earth.

If at first you don’t succeed… so much for skydiving.

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.

I hate to be smart.

Comedy’s about opening up and being unique, but to a point where the audience can relate to what you’re saying.

Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can’t predict what people will laugh at.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for their final exam.

The French complain of everything, and always.

I’m not a serious person, and I don’t like serious people.

For me, it’s a purity thing about the joke itself. It’s a test of a joke whether or not you do it completely clean and it works. If it does, then that’s a legitimate item you have there. For me, it’s nothing to do with finding those words offensive. It’s just not what I’m in search of. Do it clean, and you are really earning that laugh.

The only difference between death and taxes is that death doesn’t get worse every time Congress meets.

Only kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to use the editorial ‚we.‘

I did stand-up, weird and ignorant stuff about my career – anything for a laugh.

I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.

There’s nothing like white trash at the White House.

The Canteen Boy, the reason you feel bad for him and you can laugh is because he, and I guess a lot of my characters, they don’t notice they’re getting made fun of. So they’ll say something back that’s not that great a quip, but in their mind they won the argument.