Humor is mankind’s greatest blessing.

What I have never been afraid of is to be a little silly, and you can engage people that way. My view is, first you get them to laugh, then you get them to listen.

Against the assault of laughter, nothing can stand.

I have no problem yelling at anybody’s kid – free of charge!

A merry heart maketh a cheerful countenance.

One should take good care not to grow too wise for so great a pleasure of life as laughter.

Nobody enjoys the ‚little show about nothing‘ humor more than me, but that is never the way I look at it.

We were at a beach one summer, and I had a bathing suit on. My wife looked at me and said: ‚Boy, you are skinny, aren’t you?‘ I said: ‚Honey, I’d like to remind you that it was minor defects like this that kept me from getting a better wife.‘

Friendship improves happiness and abates misery, by the doubling of our joy and the dividing of our grief.

Eight years involved with the nuclear industry have taught me that when nothing can possible go wrong and every avenue has been covered, then is the time to buy a house on the next continent.

The doctor sees all the weakness of mankind; the lawyer all the wickedness, the theologian all the stupidity.

He who laughs best today, will also laughs last.

The more in harmony with yourself you are, the more joyful you are and the more faithful you are. Faith is not to disconnect you from reality – it connects you to reality.

Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.

Music is the wine which inspires one to new generative processes, and I am Bacchus who presses out this glorious wine for mankind and makes them spiritually drunken.

If you can’t make it better, you can laugh at it.

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

I believe enlightenment or revelation comes in daily life. I look for joy, the peace of action. You need action. I’d have stopped writing years ago if it were for the money.

Some sarcasm is best told simply.

Joe Frazier is so ugly that when he cries, the tears turn around and go down the back of his head.

It’s a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I’d be a drag queen.

Service which is rendered without joy helps neither the servant nor the served. But all other pleasures and possessions pale into nothingness before service which is rendered in a spirit of joy.

My mother is from another time – the funniest person to her is Lucille Ball; that’s what she loves. A lot of times she tells me she doesn’t know what I’m talking about. I know if I wasn’t her son and she was flipping through the TV and saw me, she would just keep going.

Humor must not professedly teach and it must not professedly preach, but it must do both if it would live forever.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

The most wasted of all days is one without laughter.

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

Most of the time I don’t have much fun. The rest of the time I don’t have any fun at all.

I don’t write material. Funny things happen to me in the course of a day, and I just make notes.

Opposite to godliness is atheism in profession, and idolatry in practice. Atheism is so senseless and odious to mankind, that it never had many professors.

For me, the way I stay consistent is through stand-up comedy.

You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, ‚See if you can blow this out.‘

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

No man who has once heartily and wholly laughed can be altogether irreclaimably bad.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course.

Ice-cream is exquisite – what a pity it isn’t illegal.

Any reviewer who expresses rage and loathing for a novel is preposterous. He or she is like a person who has put on full armor and attacked a hot fudge sundae.

Of all the subjects on this planet, I think my parents would have been hard put to name one less useful than Greek mythology to securing the keys to an executive bathroom.

When will mankind be convinced and agree to settle their difficulties by arbitration?

My daughter doesn’t even get my humor. She’s like, ‚Um, no. I don’t get it, Dad. Mmm, no, not that one, Dad.‘

I’ve been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she’ll kill me.

Peace and friendship with all mankind is our wisest policy, and I wish we may be permitted to pursue it.

Chris Rock does the political thing really well, but that never worked for me.

Each time we cooperate with God, we take one more giant step forward. Because when God asks us to change, it means that He always has something better to give us – more freedom, greater joy, and greater blessings.

I think when people mean that Discworld books have become darker they really mean the series is growing up. In ‚The Colour of Magic‘ most of the city is set alight. It’s a joke, in much the same way that the Earth is destroyed almost at the start of Douglas Adams’s ‚The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy.‘

He that raises a large family does, indeed, while he lives to observe them, stand a broader mark for sorrow; but then he stands a broader mark for pleasure too.

The Canteen Boy, the reason you feel bad for him and you can laugh is because he, and I guess a lot of my characters, they don’t notice they’re getting made fun of. So they’ll say something back that’s not that great a quip, but in their mind they won the argument.

The best book, like the best speech, will do it all – make us laugh, think, cry and cheer – preferably in that order.

I love that I can tell the truth and have people laugh at it.

I was training to be an electrician. I suppose I got wired the wrong way round somewhere along the line.

Doing Saturday Night Live definitely affects my relationship with my girlfriend and with my family, because you feel so much pressure to do well that night. But I think everyone’s grown to accept that and so they give me my space at the show.

Different taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.

I could fall in love with a sumo wrestler if he told stories and made me laugh. Obviously, it would be easier if someone was African-American and lived next door and went to the same church. Because then I wouldn’t have to translate.

Behold the child, by Nature’s kindly law pleased with a rattle, tickled with a straw.

The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it’s so much fun.

If you spend your life competing with business men, what do you have? A bank account and ulcers!

If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

It is a joy to be an artist, but it doesn’t mean very much unless that work is somehow useful in some way and contributes to others.