How many legs does a dog have if you call his tail a leg? Four. Saying that a tail is a leg doesn’t make it a leg.

I remember straightening my hair because I wanted to be like everybody else, and now the fact that anybody would emulate what I do? It’s just funny.

The greatest thing about being a comedian is knowing other comedians. And you get to talk to them. Its the most fun.

Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.

I would never win an award for not loving pizza.

I’d like to believe that the people that have supported me in my work or identified with me in films, the people that feel they know me, they do and they don’t have misconceptions – they understand. I believe that.

I’m not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb… and I also know that I’m not blonde.

Different taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections.

I make fun of situations and try and find the humor in things, but it’s never at the expense of the other guy.

If I couldn’t laugh I just would go insane, If we couldn’t laugh we just would go insane, If we weren’t all crazy we would go insane.

How do you catch a knuckleball? You wait until it stops rolling, then go pick it up.

I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.

I won’t belong to any organization that would have me as a member.

Work is the curse of the drinking classes.

Comedians are sociologists. We’re pointing out stuff that the general public doesn’t even stop to think about, looking at life in slow-motion and questioning everything we see.

If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.

Instead of giving money to found colleges to promote learning, why don’t they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as good as the Prohibition one did, why, in five years we would have the smartest race of people on earth.

My kids are the funniest two human beings there are.

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

I’m comfortable in my own skin, no matter how far it’s stretched. Ha ha.

Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can’t predict what people will laugh at.

Humor is the first of the gifts to perish in a foreign tongue.

I’d love to date somebody cool, fun, funny.

Of all the subjects on this planet, I think my parents would have been hard put to name one less useful than Greek mythology to securing the keys to an executive bathroom.

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.

A statesman who confines himself to popular legislation – or, for the matter of that, a playwright who confines himself to popular plays – is like a blind man’s dog who goes wherever the blind man pulls him, on the ground that both of them want to go to the same place.

I don’t know why women want any of the things men have when one of the things that women have is men.

The right honourable gentleman caught the Whigs bathing, and walked away with their clothes. He has left them in the full enjoyment of their liberal positions, and he is himself a strict conservative of their garments.

I hate to be smart.

The intelligent man finds almost everything ridiculous, the sensible man hardly anything.

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

Jesters do often prove prophets.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

For me, it’s a purity thing about the joke itself. It’s a test of a joke whether or not you do it completely clean and it works. If it does, then that’s a legitimate item you have there. For me, it’s nothing to do with finding those words offensive. It’s just not what I’m in search of. Do it clean, and you are really earning that laugh.

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you’re in the wrong house, that’s what it means.

I mean, families are weird.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.

The misconception that aid falls straight into the hands of dictators largely stems from the Cold War era.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier… I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.

Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee, and I’ll forgive Thy great big joke on me.

Well, all comedy starts with anger. You get angry, and its never for a good reason, right? You know its not a good reason. And then you try and work it from there.

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

Crankiness is at the essence of all comedy. My wife and I were discussing the different types of cranky. There’s entertaining cranky, annoying cranky, angry cranky.

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they’re eating sandwiches.

I laugh and joke, but I don’t get distracted very easily.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and I’m here to help.

Good jokes are gems. A good idea is hard to come by. I couldn’t give them to someone else, even for money. It just wouldn’t seem right.

People say I look so happy – and I say, ‚That’s the Botox.‘

I’m not a serious person, and I don’t like serious people.

I’m a meathead, man. You’ve got smart people, and you’ve got dumb people. I just happen to be dumb.

Every country is like a particular type of person. America is like a belligerent, adolescent boy; Canada is like an intelligent, 35-year-old woman. Australia is like Jack Nicholson. It comes right up to you and laughs very hard in your face in a highly threatening and engaging manner.

Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

I wake up every morning at nine and grab for the morning paper. Then I look at the obituary page. If my name is not on it, I get up.

To understand Europe, you have to be a genius – or French.

God will prepare everything for our perfect happiness in heaven, and if it takes my dog being there, I believe he’ll be there.

Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else.