How many legs does a dog have if you call his tail a leg? Four. Saying that a tail is a leg doesn’t make it a leg.

By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man’s, I mean.

I’ve been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she’ll kill me.

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.

It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.

There’s many a man has more hair than wit.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

A man’s got to take a lot of punishment to write a really funny book.

Since the very beginning, Emeril’s had a sense of humor about me calling him names and poking fun at him.

It’s very interesting, the joke comes first and then the wording comes within five seconds, maybe ten seconds. My thing is to get the joke across in as few words as possible. However, sometimes a word that’s not really needed does help the rhythm of it. It’s a gut feeling.

I have no desire to crow over anybody or to see anybody eating crow, figuratively or otherwise. We should all get together and make a country in which everybody can eat turkey whenever he pleases.

My philosophy is, it’s always very rewarding when you can make an audience laugh. I don’t mind making fun of myself. I like self-deprecating comedy. But I’d like you to laugh with me occasionally, too.

Humorists can never start to take themselves seriously. It’s literary suicide.

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

Politics is applesauce.

The only difference between death and taxes is that death doesn’t get worse every time Congress meets.

In my house I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.

Humor has bailed me out of more tight situations than I can think of. If you go with your instincts and keep your humor, creativity follows. With luck, success comes, too.

I don’t think comedy will ever die.

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.

Nobody enjoys the ‚little show about nothing‘ humor more than me, but that is never the way I look at it.

The aim of a joke is not to degrade the human being, but to remind him that he is already degraded.

Whatever is funny is subversive, every joke is ultimately a custard pie… a dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion.

My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‚All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.‘

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.

I was always making my friends laugh, but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

A friend of mine jokes that I have a painstaking royalty complex. Like maybe I was a duke in a past life.

Men show their character in nothing more clearly than what they think laughable.

Why can’t I just eat my waffle?

Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.

Stupidity is a talent for misconception.

A politician is an arse upon which everyone has sat except a man.

Most of the stuff I do on the show comes out of me just trying to make my friends laugh.

The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it’s so much fun.

If I couldn’t laugh I just would go insane, If we couldn’t laugh we just would go insane, If we weren’t all crazy we would go insane.

Contrary to reports, this boy is not a billionaire or going to be richer than any Beatle… and not just in the sense of money, by the way; the Beatles are untouchable – those billionaire reports are a joke.

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

There is a rumour going around that I have found God. I think this is unlikely because I have enough difficulty finding my keys, and there is empirical evidence that they exist.

I’m odd looking. Sometimes I think I look like a funny muppet.

The only way I’d be caught without makeup is if my radio fell in the bathtub while I was taking a bath and electrocuted me and I was in between makeup at home. I hope my husband would slap a little lipstick on me before he took me to the morgue.

If Everton were playing down the bottom of my garden, I’d draw the curtains.

Hell is full of musical amateurs.

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

Humor is the first of the gifts to perish in a foreign tongue.

There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.

It’s funny; recently I’ve started to notice people’s impersonations of me, and it’s basically like a hyperactive child.

I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it.

I must have read every issue of ‚Punch‘ published in the 20th century, and I think in the process I picked up the true voice of English humour – that amiable, fairly liberal, laconic voice which you find in something like ‚Three Men in a Boat.‘

I’ve been thinking of humorous things since I was… I can’t remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high, all the way through high school, through college and after college, I was thinking of the same kinds of things that I say in front of an audience now.

True humor springs not more from the head than from the heart. It is not contempt; its essence is love. It issues not in laughter, but in still smiles, which lie far deeper.

All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.

I won’t belong to any organization that would have me as a member.

Why don’t they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as well as prohibition did, in five years Americans would be the smartest race of people on Earth.

I try to be funny and not ignorant.

When I’m being funny, I try not to offend. I don’t think much of what I’ve done has been in really ghastly taste. I don’t think I have embarrassed many people or distressed them.

The first of April is the day we remember what we are the other 364 days of the year.