How do you catch a knuckleball? You wait until it stops rolling, then go pick it up.

Cobb is a prick. But he sure can hit. God Almighty, that man can hit.

I don’t really focus on these things – on what tags are given to me or what people think of me off the field – stuff like that. My main focus is always to do well on the field for the Indian cricket team. When people say good things about me off the field, I am more than happy to accept them.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it!

In this world of sin and sorrow there is always something to be thankful for; as for me, I rejoice that I am not a Republican.

When you play sports like tennis, you’re alone, and that’s a good school for life, but it’s also a good school for life to bring your best and make those around you better, too – helping others in difficult moments.

Work is the curse of the drinking classes.

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

I don’t know who I touch and who I don’t. I work hard trying to make people laugh. I try to do the kind of stuff that made me laugh growing up. I don’t have any secrets. I don’t know the reasons I’ve been so well received.

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

So many guys are so conservative with their hair, and I always joke with all my buddies when they mess with me, and I’ll say, ‚That’s right, keep the same haircut for ten years.‘ How fun is that?

My way of joking is to tell the truth. That’s the funniest joke in the world.

I am very happy to be signing for the best team in the world and especially proud to be the first Portuguese player to join United.

I often look ridiculous in Japan. There’s really no way to eat in Japan, particularly kaiseki in a traditional ryokan, without offending the Japanese horribly. Every gesture, every movement is just so atrociously wrong, and the more I try, the more hilarious it is.

I am fortunate to have played 15 years for my country.

I get a little bit emotional during a game!

That’s what you live for as a sportsman. You have to put up a fight.

Shooting the ball is a part of the game. Everybody can shoot in their own way. Not everybody can make. But everybody can shoot.

Every time I get in the McLaren I feel more comfortable, my confidence increases and I feel more at home with the team.

There’s different kinds of laughs. It’s like a baseball lineup: this guy’s your power hitter, this guy gets on base, this guy works out walks. If everybody does their job, we’re gonna win.

A politician is an arse upon which everyone has sat except a man.

I like George Carlin’s jokes. I like his humor. He’s one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things.

Personally yes I want our country to have one league. When it’s going to be one league, which we all are hearing, it has to be abiding by AFC rules.

I think being funny is not anyone’s first choice.

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

ESPN is a great organization to work for.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

There’s many a man has more hair than wit.

As an athlete, you’d better laugh at yourself when you slip in the mud.

Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.

Politics is applesauce.

Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.

The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.

There’s no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

I don’t think comedy will ever die.

When I was playing, there were always lots of teams in contention for the league – Arsenal, Manchester City, Liverpool, Leeds. Every week was a big game and a big battle.

I’m not a serious person, and I don’t like serious people.

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

What a great day for football, all we need is some green grass and a ball.

No boxer in the history of boxing has had Parkinson’s. There’s no injury in my brain that suggests that the illness came from boxing.

I laugh and joke, but I don’t get distracted very easily.

Football is a simple game based on the giving and taking of passes, of controlling the ball and of making yourself available to receive a pass. It is terribly simple.

The worst way of flying, I think, is standby. It never works. That’s why they call it standby. You end up standing there going, ‚Bye!‘

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.

It was that famous joke: What’s the last thing the drummer said before he got kicked out of the band? ‚Hey, I wrote a song.‘

Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won’t die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn’t have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn’t want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream.

If you watch any good player, they’re using different parts of their body and working with instruments that respond to those movements. They’re moving in many dimensions at once.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I’ll never know.

It’s sometimes comical to hear the younger generation ask their peers to repeat themselves.

Duke is an ugly word in Kentucky. Nothing in the world compares to the joy of beating those hateful swine from Duke.

In England, when an athlete gets to the top, we do our best to destroy him.

I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.

A lot of my rhymes are just to get chuckles out of people. Anybody with half a brain is going to be able to tell when I’m joking and when I’m serious.

Everything I say is a joke. I am a joke myself.

You can’t trample infidels when you’re a tortoise. I mean, all you could do is give them a meaningful look.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

I have never cared especially for outdoor sports and have no desire to excel at tennis, swimming, or golf. I’ll leave those things to the men.

I don’t want to be called a point guard, but I can’t stop it.

I would never win an award for not loving pizza.