How do you catch a knuckleball? You wait until it stops rolling, then go pick it up.

Only kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to use the editorial ‚we.‘

Bobby Knight told me this: ‚There is nothing that a good defense cannot beat a better offense.‘ In other words a good offense wins.

In 1962 I was named Minor League Player of the Year. It was my second season in the bigs.

You know, my main reaction to this money thing is that it’s humorous, all the attention to it, because it’s hardly the most insightful or valuable thing that’s happened to me.

It is not funny that anything else should fall down; only that a man should fall down. Why do we laugh? Because it is a gravely religious matter: it is the Fall of Man. Only man can be absurd: for only man can be dignified.

If a guy hits .300 every year, what does he have to look forward to? I always tried to stay around .190, with three or four RBI. And I tried to get them all in September. That way I always had something to talk about during the winter.

Babies don’t need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach… it pisses me off! I’ll go over to a little baby and say ‚What are you doing here? You haven’t worked a day in your life!‘

Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.

Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.

Why don’t they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as well as prohibition did, in five years Americans would be the smartest race of people on Earth.

Serious sport has nothing to do with fair play. It is bound up with hatred, jealousy, boastfulness, disregard of all rules and sadistic pleasure in witnessing violence. In other words, it is war minus the shooting.

I can’t play soccer, and I’m not a great swimmer. I won’t drown, but you won’t see me doing laps in a pool.

I won’t be happy until we have every boy in America between the ages of six and sixteen wearing a glove and swinging a bat.

Sports are basically our way of feeling sorry for ourselves. Most men can’t become athletes. We’re watching guys who actually made it. We see them dunking and making touchdowns. Then we think about ourselves when we were younger.

If it wasn’t for baseball, I’d be in either the penitentiary or the cemetery.

Hopefully I won’t be the last big splash at Under Armour.

I love soccer, love tennis… Roger Federer has been a favourite for a long, long time. The kind of consistency he has shown, 16 Grand Slam titles… The way he handles himself in pressure situations is admirable… He is so calm… In soccer, I’m a huge fan of Barcelona… I like watching Cristiano Ronaldo, Lionel Messi and David Villa.

At the end of the day, we started playing football because we loved it.

You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.

Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion. I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning up to do afterward.

Politics is applesauce.

I felt unhappy and trapped. If I left baseball, where could I go, what could I do to earn enough money to help my mother and to marry Rachel? The solution to my problem was only days away in the hands of a tough, shrewd, courageous man called Branch Rickey, the president of the Brooklyn Dodgers.

This must be Thursday. I never could get the hang of Thursdays.

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

In 1969, I gave up women and alcohol – it was the worst 20 minutes of my life.

Be a player; don’t play yourself. And don’t play basketball. That’s not your sport, Jeb Bush.

The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow; there is no humor in Heaven.

There is nothing so difficult to marry as a large nose.

A man’s only as old as the woman he feels.

People say I look so happy – and I say, ‚That’s the Botox.‘

We want to play the AFC Cup every year.

When they call the roll in the Senate, the Senators do not know whether to answer ‚Present‘ or ‚Not guilty.‘

I have never made but one prayer to God, a very short one: ‚O Lord make my enemies ridiculous.‘ And God granted it.

It’s not that I’m afraid to die. I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

If I hit a man, his head is gonna go into the bleachers.

If I ever had twins, I’d use one for parts.

The way to catch a knuckleball is to wait until it stops rolling and then pick it up.

I almost laughed about the Machiavellian plans of the presidents of the United States.

Where would I be without baseball? Who am I without baseball?

Every once in a while I get the highly inappropriate proposal which is like, ‚Wow, Really! You don’t even know me and I don’t know you at all, and you want that to happen? Tonight? Ok, I get off work at 7.30.‘

I laugh and joke, but I don’t get distracted very easily.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

I can’t say this enough – the food that you put into your bodies can actually help you get better grades. And it can also affect your performance in sports and other activities too. You see, when you give your body the best possible fuel, you have more energy, you’re stronger, you think more quickly.

Everything I say is a joke. I am a joke myself.

I won’t belong to any organization that would have me as a member.

Everybody asks if putting is like shooting free throws. It has a very similar kind of mindset. And it’s just you, the ball, and the target.

It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.

The intelligent man finds almost everything ridiculous, the sensible man hardly anything.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

Don’t be getting sloppy drunk and telling them dirty jokes.

Funny is the world I live in. You’re funny, I’m interested. You’re not funny, I’m not interested.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards.

Eight years involved with the nuclear industry have taught me that when nothing can possible go wrong and every avenue has been covered, then is the time to buy a house on the next continent.

When I’m out on the football field, I have so much confidence in what I’m doing.

I had talked to a lot of people in Golden State’s front offices before the draft. They said they liked me, but they had a lot of guards, so I didn’t think that I would end up there.

Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.

People get a kick out of my stupidity.

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

I must have read every issue of ‚Punch‘ published in the 20th century, and I think in the process I picked up the true voice of English humour – that amiable, fairly liberal, laconic voice which you find in something like ‚Three Men in a Boat.‘