How do you catch a knuckleball? You wait until it stops rolling, then go pick it up.

The first of April is the day we remember what we are the other 364 days of the year.

I was always making my friends laugh, but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom.

Together with a culture of work, there must be a culture of leisure as gratification. To put it another way: people who work must take the time to relax, to be with their families, to enjoy themselves, read, listen to music, play a sport.

I was so used to going out and winning state championships and playing in the postseason.

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

There is nothing in which people more betray their character than in what they laugh at.

Today, Negroes play on every big league club and in every minor league. With millions of other Negroes in other walks of life, we are willing to stand up and be counted for what we believe in. In baseball or out, we are no longer willing to wait until Judgment Day for equality – we want it here on earth as well as in Heaven.

Why should we take advice on sex from the pope? If he knows anything about it, he shouldn’t!

I hope the fans have enjoyed listening as much as I’ve enjoyed doing the games. I don’t ever go to the park where I don’t have a good day. I don’t like losing. But I don’t think I ever go to the park where I have a bad day. I don’t think once.

No one is laughable who laughs at himself.

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

I get a little bit emotional during a game!

If you watch me during the game, I celebrate when we press the ball and it goes out.

Going to college offered me the chance to play football for four more years.

Whoever the coach is, my job is to talk to him, understand him and be a better player under him and give my best.

She laughs at everything you say. Why? Because she has fine teeth.

I’m comfortable in my own skin, no matter how far it’s stretched. Ha ha.

When you are in good form, you keep hitting the target. You may have the best match but you may still not have the goals. But scoring is most important and it feels so good that I have been knocking them in. It really boosts the morale.

I like playing for the purple and gold. This is where I want to finish up.

It obviously bothers people when Real Madrid win. It makes them jealous. There isn’t a level playing field.

Stand-up is hard.

Most of the time I don’t have much fun. The rest of the time I don’t have any fun at all.

I don’t want to be the next Michael Jordan, I only want to be Kobe Bryant.

Baseball has the great advantage over cricket of being sooner ended.

So, I’m lying on the couch and Laura walks in and I say, ‚Free at last,‘ and she says ‚You’re free all right, you’re free to do the dishes.‘ So I say, ‚You’re talking to the former president, baby,‘ and she said, ‚consider this your new domestic policy agenda.‘

Everything is changing. People are taking their comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.

Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

Wrestling is intimate. You can reach out and touch the wrestlers.

Reading isn’t good for a ballplayer. Not good for his eyes. If my eyes went bad even a little bit I couldn’t hit home runs. So I gave up reading.

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is, it’s always room temperature.

Team sports aren’t my thing. I find it easier to pick something up if I can do it at my own speed. And you don’t need a partner to go running, you don’t need a particular place, like in tennis, just a pair of trainers.

I grew up in a funny way.

In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards.

Praise undeserved, is satire in disguise.

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.

When you’re in comedy, people always come up and say, ‚Oh, it must be so hard.‘ It really isn’t hard unless you’re not good at it. If you can do it, its really kind of fun and easy.

I’m half-Irish, half-Dutch, and I was born in Belgium. If I was a dog, I’d be in a hell of a mess!

If you make any money, the government shoves you in the creek once a year with it in your pockets, and all that don’t get wet you can keep.

I know I’m more on television, and I’m more recognisable than maybe even the players because they run and train, but I just stand there, and my face does all these funny things that everyone can see all the time.

When did I know I had talent? I think it started when I first started playing sports, organized sports.

I swim like a fish and I have an amazing kick.

Some say our national pastime is baseball. Not me. It’s gossip.

I wake up every morning at nine and grab for the morning paper. Then I look at the obituary page. If my name is not on it, I get up.

I don’t go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it’s contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me.

When the NBA adopted their uniform that they had to wear, I thought that was very interesting. And you see the way NBA players dress: It’s very cool.

Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them… well, I have others.

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, ‚What for?‘ I said, ‚I’m going to buy some sugar.‘

What, sir, would the people of the earth be without woman? They would be scarce, sir, almighty scarce.

He is winding the watch of his wit; by and by it will strike.

My superhero has always been Tendulkar, and it will be Tendulkar for life. He is someone who has inspired me immensely. Just watching him play for India, I used to dream of winning games for India, because he used to do it single handedly.

You know, my main reaction to this money thing is that it’s humorous, all the attention to it, because it’s hardly the most insightful or valuable thing that’s happened to me.

Since the very beginning, Emeril’s had a sense of humor about me calling him names and poking fun at him.

You know, my Grandpop Finnegan used to have an expression: he used to say, ‚Joey, the guy in Olyphant’s out of work, it’s an economic slowdown. When your brother-in-law’s out of work, it’s a recession. When you’re out of work, it’s a depression.‘

Liverpool is a club with a big, big, big history, and all the clubs in the world have a big history if the present is not too successful. If you have never had success, then nobody knows how it is, but in Liverpool, everybody knows how it was.

If a politician found he had cannibals among his constituents, he would promise them missionaries for dinner.

The best football is always about expression of emotion. Always.

My neighbor has a circular driveway… he can’t get out.

Crankiness is at the essence of all comedy. My wife and I were discussing the different types of cranky. There’s entertaining cranky, annoying cranky, angry cranky.

Phil Niekro and his brother were pitching against each other in Atlanta. Their parents were sitting right behind home plate. I saw their folks more that day than they did the whole weekend.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.