Go, and never darken my towels again.

Science without religion is lame, religion without science is blind.

A house divided against itself cannot stand.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and I’m here to help.

There was never a genius without a tincture of madness.

When the sword is once drawn, the passions of men observe no bounds of moderation.

We are all full of weakness and errors; let us mutually pardon each other our follies – it is the first law of nature.

The stroke of death is as a lover’s pinch, which hurts and is desired.

There is no excellent beauty that hath not some strangeness in the proportion.

The most wasted of all days is one without laughter.

I’m screamingly funny, you know, I really am in the books. And that helps because I’m funnier than a lot of people, I think, and that’s appreciated by young people.

It is really funny when people say you’d be obvious for a great villain.

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.

I look just like the girls next door… if you happen to live next door to an amusement park.

You can’t trample infidels when you’re a tortoise. I mean, all you could do is give them a meaningful look.

We would like to see you departing peacefully.

Hell is empty and all the devils are here.

What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet.

The only difference between death and taxes is that death doesn’t get worse every time Congress meets.

Alfred Hitchcock once told me, when I was analyzing a lot of things about his pictures, ‚Clint, you must remember, it’s only a movie.‘

It’s funny; recently I’ve started to notice people’s impersonations of me, and it’s basically like a hyperactive child.

This above all; to thine own self be true.

The ear is the avenue to the heart.

The course of true love never did run smooth.

If a nation expects to be ignorant and free, in a state of civilization, it expects what never was and never will be.

All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.

Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.

There was a time when people said, ‚Jim, if you keep on making faces, your face will freeze like that.‘ Now they just say, ‚Pay him!‘

God does not play dice.

Farewell, fair cruelty.

Love is too young to know what conscience is.

One touch of nature makes the whole world kin.

Three can keep a secret, if two of them are dead.

That which is not good for the bee-hive cannot be good for the bees.

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It’s in the apartment somewhere.

Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time… I think I’ve forgotten this before.

Nothing is more terrible than to see ignorance in action.

My old drama coach used to say, ‚Don’t just do something, stand there.‘ Gary Cooper wasn’t afraid to do nothing.

The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it’s so much fun.

Nothing in life is so exhilarating as to be shot at without result.

I’ve had a lot of ridiculous haircuts.

Where love rules, there is no will to power; and where power predominates, there love is lacking. The one is the shadow of the other.

If everything isn’t black and white, I say, ‚Why the hell not?‘

Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the Earth.

I had the classic 40 meltdown. I did. It’s embarrassing. It was pretty funny. But then I recovered. To me, it was like a second adolescence. Hormonally, my body was changing, my mind was changing, and so my relationship to myself and the world around me came to this assault of finiteness.

A grandmother pretends she doesn’t know who you are on Halloween.

First you take a drink, then the drink takes a drink, then the drink takes you.

You want a friend in Washington? Get a dog.

I’m odd looking. Sometimes I think I look like a funny muppet.

I think it’s funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive.

How sharper than a serpent’s tooth it is to have a thankless child!

I told Warren if he mentions Prop. 13 one more time, he has to do 500 push-ups.

Being a stand-up is my mission in life; it’s my passion. My ongoing goal is to simply be funny, on my own, in front of a roomful of strangers.

Well, if Fortune be a woman, she’s a good wench for this gear.

Uneasy lies the head that wears a crown.

If you look at me close enough, there’s a small resemblance to a chicken nugget. I don’t know if it’s my skin texture or my hair, but the resemblance is definitely there.

When you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot in it and hang on.

If a man has not discovered something that he will die for, he isn’t fit to live.

If life gives you limes, make margaritas.

The bad fortune of the good turns their faces up to heaven; the good fortune of the bad bows their heads down to the earth.

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.