Funny is the world I live in. You’re funny, I’m interested. You’re not funny, I’m not interested.

I just got to feel that whoever I marry has some real regard for me.

I think it matters whether someone has a good heart.

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.

Painting is an infinitely minute part of my personality.

A man is in general better pleased when he has a good dinner upon his table, than when his wife talks Greek.

Perhaps, as some wit remarked, the best proof that there is Intelligent Life in Outer Space is the fact it hasn’t come here. Well, it can’t hide forever – one day we will overhear it.

Like getting into a bleeding competition with a blood bank.

The secret to humor is surprise.

If I wouldn’t have found Courtney, I probably would have carried on with a bisexual lifestyle.

Everyone has been in love, at some point or another.

Friendship increases in visiting friends, but in visiting them seldom.

It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.

Believe it or not, I make myself laugh. Sometimes when I have thoughts or say some things that are funny, it just makes me laugh, and I don’t mind laughing at it before you guys do.

People like to hear the word ‚love.‘

Life’s too short to hang out with people who aren’t resourceful.

Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother.

When I’m being funny, I try not to offend. I don’t think much of what I’ve done has been in really ghastly taste. I don’t think I have embarrassed many people or distressed them.

There is a courtesy of the heart; it is allied to love. From its springs the purest courtesy in the outward behavior.

I was kind of secretly hoping one of my kids would go out and make a million bucks. So when they put me in a home, at least I’ll have a window with a view.

The only advantage of not being too good a housekeeper is that your guests are so pleased to feel how very much better they are.

Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself.

When people need love and understanding and support the most is when they deserve it the least.

We make our friends; we make our enemies; but God makes our next door neighbour.

Many people would be surprised that, in fact, I’m quite shy.

Relationships are the hallmark of the mature person.

All mankind love a lover.

My success comes in making fun of whatever you’re doing. That’s my way.

When we turn to one another for counsel we reduce the number of our enemies.

If the Great Way perishes there will morality and duty. When cleverness and knowledge arise great lies will flourish. When relatives fall out with one another there will be filial duty and love. When states are in confusion there will be faithful servants.

It is very hard to not be able to engage with people in a real and honest way because they either want something from me, or they see me as something that I simply am not.

The mind of a 19-year-old is very different from the mind of a 26-year-old. You grow. You get into better relationships. You experience more, meet more people, better people. But when you’re in a dark hole at an earlier point in your life – you write about the mindset you’re in at that moment.

Sensual love deceives one as to the nature of heavenly love; it could not do so alone, but since it unconsciously has the element of heavenly love within it, it can do so.

How many legs does a dog have if you call his tail a leg? Four. Saying that a tail is a leg doesn’t make it a leg.

Love is an interesting thing. Perhaps I’ve never been in love before – I don’t really know? I think I have. I guess it’s subjective in that way.

‚Tis love that makes the world go round, my baby.

If you check your ego at the door when it comes to comedy, you’ve got a pretty good shot at making a great movie that you can commit yourself to, you can jump off the proverbial cliff with, and have a great time, and the audiences respond to that.

Familiarity breeds contempt – and children.

I was never interested in being powerful or famous. But once I got to film school and learned about movies, I just fell in love with it. I didn’t care what kind of movies I made.

No man wants to settle down. It happens. Eventually you’re going to bump into somebody that makes you go, ‚Hmm, I don’t mind seeing this person every day.‘

Almost anything can be funny if said the right way – but it has to be said the right way.

Distance does not decide who is your brother and who is not. The church is going to have to become the conscience of the free market if it’s to have any meaning in this world – and stop being its apologist.

I’ve learned that we all change constantly. It’s rare to find that person who is growing with you in the same way at the same time, who encourages you to grow.

If I love you, what business is it of yours?

He that has not got a wife is not yet a complete man.

When a man says he had pleasure with a woman he does not mean conversation.

Secrets are things we give to others to keep for us.

Women. They are a complete mystery.

Who I am on stage is very, very different to who I am in real life.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.

Never pretend to a love which you do not actually feel, for love is not ours to command.

I think we have to own the fears that we have of each other, and then, in some practical way, some daily way, figure out how to see people differently than the way we were brought up to.

What is virtue but the Trade Unionism of the married?

To understand Europe, you have to be a genius – or French.

There is only one step from the sublime to the ridiculous.

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

Humor is mankind’s greatest blessing.

Love alone is capable of uniting living beings in such a way as to complete and fulfill them, for it alone takes them and joins them by what is deepest in themselves.

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.

I never even thought of myself as deadpan until someone wrote an article about me about a year after I was doing comedy. There was a paper called the ‚Boston Phoenix,‘ and someone wrote a description of what I was doing and that’s where I first saw ‚deadpan.‘