From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere.

They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.

He who loves 50 people has 50 woes; he who loves no one has no woes.

Do not laugh much or often or unrestrainedly.

I often quote myself. It adds spice to my conversation.

All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.

Wit is the lowest form of humor.

That is never too often repeated, which is never sufficiently learned.

It’s a funny old world.

A word is dead when it is said, some say. I say it just begins to live that day.

It’s funny; recently I’ve started to notice people’s impersonations of me, and it’s basically like a hyperactive child.

Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time… I think I’ve forgotten this before.

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, ‚What for?‘ I said, ‚I’m going to buy some sugar.‘

I’m screamingly funny, you know, I really am in the books. And that helps because I’m funnier than a lot of people, I think, and that’s appreciated by young people.

I’m a big believer than a great bit is a great bit – if I go and see someone I love, like Robert Klein. I want to hear some classics and some new stuff. But a great stand-up bit takes a long time to really polish and perfect, and they’re beautiful things when they’re done.

I’m not confused. I’m just well mixed.

I sing and play the guitar, and I’m a walking, talking bacterial infection.

When I’m on stage, it’s really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say it all the right way. It’s funny how different it looks and how it’s happening. There are three Fellini circuses in my head, and outwardly it looks like I’m going to get a bagel.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I’ll never know.

Wisdom has its root in goodness, not goodness its root in wisdom.

Be not the first by whom the new are tried, Nor yet the last to lay the old aside.

Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.

Never injure a friend, even in jest.

The difference between a misfortune and a calamity is this: If Gladstone fell into the Thames, it would be a misfortune. But if someone dragged him out again, that would be a calamity.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.

Hell is full of musical amateurs.

To thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man.

The first of April is the day we remember what we are the other 364 days of the year.

Nothing shows a man’s character more than what he laughs at.

Nobody made a greater mistake than he who did nothing because he could do only a little.

A politician is an arse upon which everyone has sat except a man.

This country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as when the baby gets hold of a hammer.

Admiration is the daughter of ignorance.

Only two things are necessary to keep one’s wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it.

The French complain of everything, and always.

As we must account for every idle word, so must we account for every idle silence.

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

Everyone has at least one story, and each of us is funny if we admit it. You have to admit you’re the funniest person you’ve ever heard of.

Better three hours too soon than a minute too late.

A difference of taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections.

Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.

I’ve tried to reduce profanity but I reduced so much profanity when writing the book that I’m afraid not much could come out. Perhaps we will have to consider it simply as a profane book and hope that the next book will be less profane or perhaps more sacred.

Where sense is wanting, everything is wanting.

The worst way of flying, I think, is standby. It never works. That’s why they call it standby. You end up standing there going, ‚Bye!‘

A fool thinks himself to be wise, but a wise man knows himself to be a fool.

There is a wisdom of the head, and a wisdom of the heart.

The difference between the almost right word and the right word is really a large matter – ‚tis the difference between the lightning-bug and the lightning.

We were at a beach one summer, and I had a bathing suit on. My wife looked at me and said: ‚Boy, you are skinny, aren’t you?‘ I said: ‚Honey, I’d like to remind you that it was minor defects like this that kept me from getting a better wife.‘

The man who has no imagination has no wings.

A minute of thought is greater than an hour of talk.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I remember the first time I had sex – I kept the receipt.

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.

People are always asking me in interviews, ‚What do you think of foreign affairs?‘ I just say, ‚I’ve had a few.‘

I have nothing to offer but blood, toil, tears and sweat.

Perhaps, as some wit remarked, the best proof that there is Intelligent Life in Outer Space is the fact it hasn’t come here. Well, it can’t hide forever – one day we will overhear it.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

I like quips. I like whiffs of cynicism and I think they can be witty. But I don’t really know where wittiness is constructive.