Frazier is so ugly that he should donate his face to the U.S. Bureau of Wild Life.

Good jokes are gems. A good idea is hard to come by. I couldn’t give them to someone else, even for money. It just wouldn’t seem right.

The measure of a life, after all, is not its duration, but its donation.

You can always count on Americans to do the right thing – after they’ve tried everything else.

It’s not that I’m afraid to die. I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

That’s the trouble with being me. At this point, nobody gives a damn what my problem is. I could literally have a tumor on the side of my head and they’d be like, ‚Yeah, big deal. I’d eat a tumor every morning for the kinda money you’re pulling down.‘

Humor is the first of the gifts to perish in a foreign tongue.

My neighbor has a circular driveway… he can’t get out.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I’ll never know.

When people laugh at Mickey Mouse, it’s because he’s so human; and that is the secret of his popularity.

Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.

Either he’s dead or my watch has stopped.

I love all kinds of insects, and I’ve heard Australia has some really interesting bugs.

I think being funny is not anyone’s first choice.

Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

It’s a good thing we don’t get all the government we pay for.

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

Why don’t Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.

I’m not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb… and I also know that I’m not blonde.

Whenever a fellow tells me he’s bipartisan, I know he’s going to vote against me.

We’re a phenomenally snobby society, and it’s such a rich seam. The middle class is so funny: it’s the class I know best, and it’s the class where you find the most pretension, so that’s what makes the middle classes so funny.

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you’re in the wrong house, that’s what it means.

The two things in the world we all share in this world are laughter and pain. We’ve all got problems. The levels of those problems vary, but we’ve all got problems. When you can take things that are painful and make them funny, that’s a gift – to you and your audience.

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

I feel a distaste for hunting, first because of a kind of Buddhist respect for the unity and sacredness of all life, and also because the pursuit of a hare or chamois strikes me as a kind of ‚escape of energy,‘ that is, the expenditure of our effort in an illusory end, one devoid of profit.

It is the test of a good religion whether you can joke about it.

I bet after seeing us, George Washington would sue us for calling him ‚father.‘

It’s amazing how people will give when you don’t ask. Many of them send money because they believe in the message.

When you’re coming up with new material, it’s not always gonna be good. The only way to learn is for it not to get a laugh, so you can adjust it and come back the next day to see if it’s working right. Next time, you might get a different laugh. You’re constantly rebuilding.

I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.

Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue.

What, sir, would the people of the earth be without woman? They would be scarce, sir, almighty scarce.

The thing that I fear discriminating against is humor and truth.

What I have never been afraid of is to be a little silly, and you can engage people that way. My view is, first you get them to laugh, then you get them to listen.

An idealist is one who, on noticing that roses smell better than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup.

When you see a rattlesnake poised to strike, you do not wait until he has struck to crush him.

I’m odd looking. Sometimes I think I look like a funny muppet.

Let me state the obvious. Illegal immigration is illegal, duh.

I don’t know who I touch and who I don’t. I work hard trying to make people laugh. I try to do the kind of stuff that made me laugh growing up. I don’t have any secrets. I don’t know the reasons I’ve been so well received.

If my doctor told me I had only six minutes to live, I wouldn’t brood. I’d type a little faster.

True humor springs not more from the head than from the heart. It is not contempt; its essence is love. It issues not in laughter, but in still smiles, which lie far deeper.

Sarcasm: the last refuge of modest and chaste-souled people when the privacy of their soul is coarsely and intrusively invaded.

A difference of taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections.

I’m sure we, the American people, are the butt of jokes by those in power.

I remember the first time I heard a teenager say ‚LOL.‘ Just what? But it means ‚laugh.‘ Why don’t you just laugh? What are you doing?

Humor is reason gone mad.

The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.

When things get so absurd and so stupid and so ridiculous that you just can’t bear it, you cannot help but turn everything into a joke.

I’ve been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she’ll kill me.

When a man says money can do anything, that settles it: he hasn’t got any.

If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.

You know, crankiness is at the essence of all comedy.

When I die, I’m leaving my body to science fiction.

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Only two things are necessary to keep one’s wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for their final exam.

If Everton were playing down the bottom of my garden, I’d draw the curtains.

Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time… I think I’ve forgotten this before.

For me, the way I stay consistent is through stand-up comedy.

The other day I… uh, no, that wasn’t me.