Frazier is so ugly that he should donate his face to the U.S. Bureau of Wild Life.

I don’t feel that I’m explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I’m not trying to be a mirror, showing them what’s really going on the world. All I’m trying to do is think of stuff that’s funny, just like when I’m kidding around with my friends.

I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.

There’s one way to find out if a man is honest – ask him. If he says, ‚Yes,‘ you know he is a crook.

I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it.

It’s not that I’m afraid to die. I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

My absolute favourite piece of information is the fact that young sloths are so inept that they frequently grab their own arms and legs instead of tree limbs, and fall out of trees.

When I’m on stage, it’s really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say it all the right way. It’s funny how different it looks and how it’s happening. There are three Fellini circuses in my head, and outwardly it looks like I’m going to get a bagel.

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he’s Frank and in Chicago he’s Ernest.

Teach a parrot the terms ‚supply and demand‘ and you’ve got an economist.

I mean, families are weird.

My husband calls me ‚catfish.‘ He says I’m all mouth and no brains.

Well, to the people who pray for me to not only have an agonising death, but then be reborn to have an agonising and horrible eternal life of torture, I say, ‚Well, good on you. See you there.‘

A lot of truth is said in jest.

The secret to humor is surprise.

The more I see of deer, the more I admire them as mountaineers. They make their way into the heart of the roughest solitudes with smooth reserve of strength, through dense belts of brush and forest encumbered with fallen trees and boulder piles, across canons, roaring streams, and snow-fields, ever showing forth beauty and courage.

The Canteen Boy, the reason you feel bad for him and you can laugh is because he, and I guess a lot of my characters, they don’t notice they’re getting made fun of. So they’ll say something back that’s not that great a quip, but in their mind they won the argument.

Some sarcasm is best told simply.

You know, crankiness is at the essence of all comedy.

I remember the first time I heard a teenager say ‚LOL.‘ Just what? But it means ‚laugh.‘ Why don’t you just laugh? What are you doing?

I love making people laugh. And I love laughing.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and I’m here to help.

Most people wouldn’t know music if it came up and bit them on the ass.

A lot of people think I’m a comedian.

The greatest thing about being a comedian is knowing other comedians. And you get to talk to them. Its the most fun.

There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.

A good laugh is sunshine in the house.

She laughs at everything you say. Why? Because she has fine teeth.

Someone once asked me, ‚How long does it take to do your hair.‘ I said, ‚I don’t know, I’m never there.‘

Whenever I say I made a record in the garage, people just assume that I have, like, a Lear jet parked in there or something. But really there’s old luggage, a couple of bikes. It’s big enough to put one minivan in. That’s it. No dartboard. I’m so not macho.

The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

The two things in the world we all share in this world are laughter and pain. We’ve all got problems. The levels of those problems vary, but we’ve all got problems. When you can take things that are painful and make them funny, that’s a gift – to you and your audience.

It doesn’t make a difference what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature.

No one will ever win the battle of the sexes; there’s too much fraternizing with the enemy.

If one morning I walked on top of the water across the Potomac River, the headline that afternoon would read: ‚President Can’t Swim.‘

I’m screamingly funny, you know, I really am in the books. And that helps because I’m funnier than a lot of people, I think, and that’s appreciated by young people.

I know I’m more on television, and I’m more recognisable than maybe even the players because they run and train, but I just stand there, and my face does all these funny things that everyone can see all the time.

Is everything funny? For me, yes. There’s a positive to every negative. Even my divorce? For me, yes. If you go back and look at it, why it happened or how it happened, there’s something in there that’ll make you laugh.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

You can’t trample infidels when you’re a tortoise. I mean, all you could do is give them a meaningful look.

Why, I’d horse-whip you if I had a horse.

There is nothing so difficult to marry as a large nose.

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.

I would never win an award for not loving pizza.

There’s only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it is I’ll get married again.

When a man says money can do anything, that settles it: he hasn’t got any.

I like the app where you can make your own memes. I make memes all the time and send them to my friends.

Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.

All genuinely intellectual work is humorous.

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

Different taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections.

I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.

I have a very strict gun control policy: if there’s a gun around, I want to be in control of it.

I don’t mind making jokes, but I don’t want to look like one.

For me, it’s a purity thing about the joke itself. It’s a test of a joke whether or not you do it completely clean and it works. If it does, then that’s a legitimate item you have there. For me, it’s nothing to do with finding those words offensive. It’s just not what I’m in search of. Do it clean, and you are really earning that laugh.

I’m a meathead, man. You’ve got smart people, and you’ve got dumb people. I just happen to be dumb.

When I die, I’m leaving my body to science fiction.

Husbands never become good; they merely become proficient.

I’d love to date somebody cool, fun, funny.