Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee, and I’ll forgive Thy great big joke on me.

Jesus isn’t lettin‘ you off the hook. The Scriptures don’t let you off the hook so easily… When people say, you know, ‚Good teacher‘, ‚Prophet‘, ‚Really nice guy‘ … this is not how Jesus thought of Himself.

A beautiful homily, a genuine sermon, must begin with the first proclamation, with the proclamation of salvation. There is nothing more solid, deep and sure than this proclamation.

You were not created to just get by with an average, unrewarding, or unfulfilling life. God created you to leave your mark on this generation.

Nonviolence means avoiding not only external physical violence but also internal violence of spirit. You not only refuse to shoot a man, but you refuse to hate him.

The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow; there is no humor in Heaven.

She laughs at everything you say. Why? Because she has fine teeth.

A lot of times, people feel that if they forgive the person who hurt them, then they will continue to take advantage of them or not take responsibility for what they did wrong.

Peace is one of the most precious gifts God has promised His children. I know, because for many years my life was not peaceful, and I was miserable.

People may think I’m trying something new by telling stories, but they’re just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That’s what I do.

I have always believed in God.

I do think that a minister who can preach a sermon without addressing sinners does not know how to preach.

As I got older, I guess I became more mellow and more forgiving and more loving.

Knowing that the time to sleep has come, the Lord sleeps, and does well in sleeping. Often, when we have been fretting and worrying, we should have glorified God far more had we literally gone to sleep.

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with Guess on it. I said, Thyroid problem?

I have learned to know God. I have recast my social belief… All my admirers are married; most of my friends are dead; and I stand with all the world before me, where to choose a path to make in it.

We feel and know that we are eternal.

My religion teaches me that whenever there is distress which one cannot remove, one must fast and pray.

I think it’s funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive.

It’s in the difficult times that we’re growing and you can’t just rebuke everything hard. We’ve got to endure it and fight the good fight of faith and pass the test.

There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.

I don’t believe in ‚thinking‘ old. Although I’ve transitioned through many bodies – a baby, toddler, child, teen, young adult, mid-life and older adult – my spirit is unchanged. I support my body with exercise, my mind with reading and writing, and my spirit with the knowing that I am part of the Divine source of all life.

Most of the stuff I do on the show comes out of me just trying to make my friends laugh.

Words which do not give the light of Christ increase the darkness.

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

Some Christians feel guilty when they are doing something that isn’t ‚spiritual.‘ Somehow or another, they feel the need to hurry through the grocery store, dash through the house cleaning, and rush through all the daily aspects of life that seem irrelevant to their faith.

In the end, everything is a gag.

Sacrifice, discipline and prayer are essential. We gain strength through God’s word. We receive grace from the sacrament. And when we fumble due to sin – and it’s gonna happen – confession puts us back on the field.

Nothing is further than earth from heaven, and nothing is nearer than heaven to earth.

How many legs does a dog have if you call his tail a leg? Four. Saying that a tail is a leg doesn’t make it a leg.

If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

Don’t be getting sloppy drunk and telling them dirty jokes.

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

The book, ’12 Rules For Life,‘ is a very serious book. There’s elements of humor in it, but I’m trying to struggle with things at the deepest possible level and to explain to people why it’s necessary to live a upstanding and noble and moral and truthful and responsible life, and why there’s hell to pay if you don’t do that.

The Tibetan people will need to determine who the next reincarnation of the Dalai Lama is.

I did not set out to convert anyone to Christianity.

God’s Spirit moves through us and the world at a pace that can never be constricted by any one religious paradigm.

I’m looking for backing for an unauthorized auto-biography that I am writing. Hopefully, this will sell in such huge numbers that I will be able to sue myself for an extraordinary amount of money and finance the film version in which I will play everybody.

Wit is educated insolence.

I feel like my message is to let people know that God is a good God, that He’s on their side, and no matter what happens, He has a great plan for them.

You can bear your own faults, and why not a fault in your wife?

When you seek the presence of your creative Spirit and are filled with passion about virtually everything you undertake, you’ll successfully remove the roadblocks from your life and enjoy the active presence of Spirit.

Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.

I never hold a grudge.

A saint serves others, knowing that the more one serves, the greater the opportunity for the Spirit to sanctify and purify.

A Christian who does not pray for those who govern is not a good Christian.

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.

If I studied all my life, I couldn’t think up half the number of funny things passed in one session of congress.

I’m screamingly funny, you know, I really am in the books. And that helps because I’m funnier than a lot of people, I think, and that’s appreciated by young people.

It is a most delightful reflection that if I come to the throne of God in prayer, I may feel a thousand defects, but yet there is hope. I usually feel more dissatisfied with my prayers than with anything else I do.

The Christian life is not a constant high. I have my moments of deep discouragement. I have to go to God in prayer with tears in my eyes, and say, ‚O God, forgive me,‘ or ‚Help me.‘

I don’t write material. Funny things happen to me in the course of a day, and I just make notes.

I fear that too many have sadly surrendered their agency to the adversary and are saying by their conduct, ‚I care more about satisfying my own desires than I do about bearing the Savior’s power to bless others.‘

Forgiveness is not a one-time thing that happened the day you received Christ. It is an everyday thing, for the rest of your life.

Young men soon give, and soon forget, affronts; old age is slow in both.

The intelligent man finds almost everything ridiculous, the sensible man hardly anything.

When I’m being funny, I try not to offend. I don’t think much of what I’ve done has been in really ghastly taste. I don’t think I have embarrassed many people or distressed them.

God’s love is too great to be confined to any one side of a conflict or to any one religion.

Why would anyone steal a shopping cart? It’s like stealing a two-year-old.

When you’re in comedy, people always come up and say, ‚Oh, it must be so hard.‘ It really isn’t hard unless you’re not good at it. If you can do it, its really kind of fun and easy.

What makes all doctrines plain and clear? About two hundred pounds a year. And that which was proved true before, prove false again? Two hundred more.