For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier… I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

The greatest thing about being a comedian is knowing other comedians. And you get to talk to them. Its the most fun.

I do not, in fact, use many puns. Certainly there are far fewer than people believe. But I suspect the ones I do occasionally use tend to hang around in people’s memories for a while.

Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.

Why would anyone steal a shopping cart? It’s like stealing a two-year-old.

I’ll say things that are serious and put them in a joke form so people can enjoy them. We laugh to keep from crying.

Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself.

Politics is applesauce.

I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.

A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday.

There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

Hell is full of musical amateurs.

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

I was extremely lucky that I had two great wives. It sounds a bit funny to say that, but it’s absolutely true.

I am a dangerous man when turned loose with a typewriter.

Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.

If you can’t make it better, you can laugh at it.

You know what, I’m very attracted to someone who makes me laugh and is that charming. Really, I could be charmed by anyone. I’m just a sucker for somebody that is charming.

In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.

I don’t write material. Funny things happen to me in the course of a day, and I just make notes.

Is everything funny? For me, yes. There’s a positive to every negative. Even my divorce? For me, yes. If you go back and look at it, why it happened or how it happened, there’s something in there that’ll make you laugh.

How many legs does a dog have if you call his tail a leg? Four. Saying that a tail is a leg doesn’t make it a leg.

That is why, no matter how desperate the predicament is, I am always very much in earnest about clutching my cane, straightening my derby hat and fixing my tie, even though I have just landed on my head.

I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.

The only big things I’ve purchased are my dad’s heart valve and a Rolls-Royce for my parents, for their anniversary. And that was only because my dad had a Lady Gaga license plate on our old car and it was making me crazy because he was getting followed everywhere, so I bought him a new car.

My comedy is different every time I do it. I don’t know what the hell I’m doing.

If all the economists were laid end to end, they’d never reach a conclusion.

True humor springs not more from the head than from the heart. It is not contempt; its essence is love. It issues not in laughter, but in still smiles, which lie far deeper.

Eight years involved with the nuclear industry have taught me that when nothing can possible go wrong and every avenue has been covered, then is the time to buy a house on the next continent.

In Beverly Hills… they don’t throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.

The superpowers often behave like two heavily armed blind men feeling their way around a room, each believing himself in mortal peril from the other, whom he assumes to have perfect vision.

Since childhood, I’ve been a clown. I’ve always liked being very funny or trying to make people laugh. It’s my original self.

An alcoholic is someone you don’t like who drinks as much as you do.

If you look at me close enough, there’s a small resemblance to a chicken nugget. I don’t know if it’s my skin texture or my hair, but the resemblance is definitely there.

So many guys are so conservative with their hair, and I always joke with all my buddies when they mess with me, and I’ll say, ‚That’s right, keep the same haircut for ten years.‘ How fun is that?

I don’t make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.

I’m so old, I don’t buy green bananas any more.

I’ve seen George Foreman shadow boxing, and the shadow won.

Never injure a friend, even in jest.

You can always count on Americans to do the right thing – after they’ve tried everything else.

I don’t like magic – but I have been known to make guys disappear.

I’ve got a great sense of humor.

I remember the first time I heard a teenager say ‚LOL.‘ Just what? But it means ‚laugh.‘ Why don’t you just laugh? What are you doing?

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair.

Let him that is without stone among you cast the first thing he can lay his hands on.

Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else.

If I ever had twins, I’d use one for parts.

Only kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to use the editorial ‚we.‘

Debt is part of the human condition. Civilization is based on exchanges – on gifts, trades, loans – and the revenges and insults that come when they are not paid back.

If a politician found he had cannibals among his constituents, he would promise them missionaries for dinner.

What, sir, would the people of the earth be without woman? They would be scarce, sir, almighty scarce.

The great thing about having a bunch of kids is they just remind you that you’re the person who takes them to go poop!

Instead of giving money to found colleges to promote learning, why don’t they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as good as the Prohibition one did, why, in five years we would have the smartest race of people on earth.

I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it.

I’ll tell you one thing, since I’m married, single people look absolutely ridiculous to me.

If one morning I walked on top of the water across the Potomac River, the headline that afternoon would read: ‚President Can’t Swim.‘

My mother is from another time – the funniest person to her is Lucille Ball; that’s what she loves. A lot of times she tells me she doesn’t know what I’m talking about. I know if I wasn’t her son and she was flipping through the TV and saw me, she would just keep going.

My husband calls me ‚catfish.‘ He says I’m all mouth and no brains.