For me, the way I stay consistent is through stand-up comedy.

The only advantage of not being too good a housekeeper is that your guests are so pleased to feel how very much better they are.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

Scratch a Yale man with both hands and you’ll be lucky to find a coast-guard. Usually you find nothing at all.

If you tell me there’s something I can’t do, I’ll want to do it even more. Especially when it comes to entertaining.

There are folks who now know black families – like the Johnsons on ‚Black-ish‘ or the folks on ‚Modern Family.‘ They become part of who you are. You share their pains. You understand their fears. They make you laugh, and they change how you see the world.

The Canteen Boy, the reason you feel bad for him and you can laugh is because he, and I guess a lot of my characters, they don’t notice they’re getting made fun of. So they’ll say something back that’s not that great a quip, but in their mind they won the argument.

My shows are not narratives.

The smart thing in the art world is to have one good idea and never have another.

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.

I almost laughed about the Machiavellian plans of the presidents of the United States.

I do admire Judi Dench and Sir Ian McKellen, but I’m a philistine. I like the good life too much; I’m not good at going on stage night after night and on wet Wednesday afternoons.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

I want to show audiences I can act.

I’d love to go into WWE and have a real knock and see what’s what.

I think every entertainer’s had nights when things go wrong. I mean you can’t remember everything all the time, and especially if you’re having hard times personally, things going on that you – you know, and then people make it worse. And that makes you feel worse.

I was kind of secretly hoping one of my kids would go out and make a million bucks. So when they put me in a home, at least I’ll have a window with a view.

Oh yes. I’m an actor, so I just learn my lines, and show up and do it. I gave it a little bit of thought.

I never wanted to sing. I just wanted to play rhythm guitar – hide in the back and just play.

I’ve been thinking of humorous things since I was… I can’t remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high, all the way through high school, through college and after college, I was thinking of the same kinds of things that I say in front of an audience now.

My goal is to entertain myself and others.

Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.

If you check your ego at the door when it comes to comedy, you’ve got a pretty good shot at making a great movie that you can commit yourself to, you can jump off the proverbial cliff with, and have a great time, and the audiences respond to that.

There was a time when people said, ‚Jim, if you keep on making faces, your face will freeze like that.‘ Now they just say, ‚Pay him!‘

Are you laboring under the impression that I read these memoranda of yours? I can’t even lift them.

Contrary to reports, this boy is not a billionaire or going to be richer than any Beatle… and not just in the sense of money, by the way; the Beatles are untouchable – those billionaire reports are a joke.

If I am not allowed to laugh in heaven, I don’t want to go there.

I’m sure everyone knows now that only a few have performed in Madison Square Garden. That list is so small. Now I’m on that list. I’m a part of a very small group, which is unbelievable. You relish in that moment for a second.

In business, the idea of measuring what you are doing, picking the measurements that count like customer satisfaction and performance… you thrive on that.

There are times when you throw an interception and you’re beating yourself up.

‚Kitchen Confidential‘ wasn’t a cautionary or an expose. I wrote it as an entertainment for New York tri-state area line cooks and restaurant lifers, basically; I had no expectation that it would move as far west as Philadelphia.

I have never developed indigestion from eating my words.

Disneyland is a show.

I am not gay, but if I were, I would be the first one running out of the closet.

That is why, no matter how desperate the predicament is, I am always very much in earnest about clutching my cane, straightening my derby hat and fixing my tie, even though I have just landed on my head.

I only change things where I know about a situation. I’d never change just for change.

If my future were determined just by my performance on a standardized test, I wouldn’t be here. I guarantee you that.

I don’t spend too much time on my phone, laptop or television. However, I do occasionally watch documentaries and shows on streaming platforms.

Integrity means that you are the same in public as you are in private.

I sleep seven hours. If I go to bed at two, I wake up at nine. If I go to bed at midnight, I wake up at seven. I don’t wake up before – the house can fall apart, but I sleep for seven hours.

What I have never been afraid of is to be a little silly, and you can engage people that way. My view is, first you get them to laugh, then you get them to listen.

Constant development is the law of life, and a man who always tries to maintain his dogmas in order to appear consistent drives himself into a false position.

I’ve always had to conquer fear when I’m on stage. Basically, I was and still am a very shy person. It’s absolutely in conflict with what I do. But once I deliver the first joke I’m okay. It’s like I’m out there all by myself just delivering my lines to nobody in particular without ever trying to notice the audience in front of me.

I like entertaining people. I really miss it.

I’ve always wanted to do a family movie.

I want more of my favorite artists or more of the guy that makes the anthems. I want more.

Government is like a baby. An alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other.

No one will ever win the battle of the sexes; there’s too much fraternizing with the enemy.

The more cats you have, the longer you live. If you have a hundred cats, you’ll live 10 times longer than if you have 10. Someday this will be discovered, and people will have a thousand cats and live forever. It’s truly ridiculous.

If you watch any good player, they’re using different parts of their body and working with instruments that respond to those movements. They’re moving in many dimensions at once.

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn’t pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother.

Some people talk in their sleep. Lecturers talk while other people sleep.

I didn’t start sweating until I had children. That was one of the first things I realized when my daughter Violet was born – I started getting wicked BO. You know there’s a difference between basketball BO and stress BO? This was definitely stress BO. Like, new dad BO.

Stage actors are usually much more conscious of speaking up and making sure that everyone can hear in the back of the theatre; a film actor probably thinks of that a little less.

I always said that I wouldn’t use a teleprompter, and if I start to sing real flat, I’ll hang it up.

When I’m on stage, it’s really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say it all the right way. It’s funny how different it looks and how it’s happening. There are three Fellini circuses in my head, and outwardly it looks like I’m going to get a bagel.

Besides entertainment and action, I want to educate. You know, as a producer or director, we do have a responsibility to society.

I tell you, we are here on Earth to fart around, and don’t let anybody tell you different.

I’m really happy and had such an amazing time performing at Super Bowl – wish I could relive it all over again.

When I die, I’m gonna leave my body to science fiction.