Everything I say is a joke. I am a joke myself.

Pessimist: One who, when he has the choice of two evils, chooses both.

I should be a postage stamp, because that’s the only way I’ll ever get licked. I’m beautiful. I’m fast. I’m so mean I make medicine sick. I can’t possibly be beat.

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

An onion can make people cry but there’s never been a vegetable that can make people laugh.

I don’t write material. Funny things happen to me in the course of a day, and I just make notes.

Since childhood, I’ve been a clown. I’ve always liked being very funny or trying to make people laugh. It’s my original self.

I’m not denyin‘ the women are foolish. God Almighty made ‚em to match the men.

I think I have always had a little humor.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier… I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to have to paint it.

The aim of a joke is not to degrade the human being, but to remind him that he is already degraded.

It was that famous joke: What’s the last thing the drummer said before he got kicked out of the band? ‚Hey, I wrote a song.‘

There’s one way to find out if a man is honest – ask him. If he says, ‚Yes,‘ you know he is a crook.

If I studied all my life, I couldn’t think up half the number of funny things passed in one session of congress.

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

The middle class is so funny, it’s the class I know best, and it’s the class where you find the most pretension, so that’s what makes the middle classes so funny.

Most of the stuff I do on the show comes out of me just trying to make my friends laugh.

If you can make a girl laugh, you can make her do anything.

Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.

Don’t be getting sloppy drunk and telling them dirty jokes.

I mean, families are weird.

Almost anything can be funny if said the right way – but it has to be said the right way.

Husbands never become good; they merely become proficient.

Good jokes are gems. A good idea is hard to come by. I couldn’t give them to someone else, even for money. It just wouldn’t seem right.

You can’t trample infidels when you’re a tortoise. I mean, all you could do is give them a meaningful look.

When a man says money can do anything, that settles it: he hasn’t got any.

That’s the trouble with being me. At this point, nobody gives a damn what my problem is. I could literally have a tumor on the side of my head and they’d be like, ‚Yeah, big deal. I’d eat a tumor every morning for the kinda money you’re pulling down.‘

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

What, sir, would the people of the earth be without woman? They would be scarce, sir, almighty scarce.

My life has been one great big joke, a dance that’s walked a song that’s spoke, I laugh so hard I almost choke when I think about myself.

So many guys are so conservative with their hair, and I always joke with all my buddies when they mess with me, and I’ll say, ‚That’s right, keep the same haircut for ten years.‘ How fun is that?

What’s with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere?

With the fearful strain that is on me night and day, if I did not laugh I should die.

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.

I have never developed indigestion from eating my words.

People get a kick out of my stupidity.

Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother.

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution?

Life would be tragic if it weren’t funny.

I was a class clown. At 12, I was definitely clowning. I was making all the jokes. But I was smart, so the teachers didn’t know what to do with me.

I look just like the girls next door… if you happen to live next door to an amusement park.

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

To me, comedy is just twisting reality. It’s commenting or observing or twisting life.

I love nerdy, cute, quirky boys who don’t take themselves too seriously.

I’m so old, I don’t buy green bananas any more.

Anybody with a sense of humor is going to put on my album and laugh from beginning to end.

Eight years involved with the nuclear industry have taught me that when nothing can possible go wrong and every avenue has been covered, then is the time to buy a house on the next continent.

All genuinely intellectual work is humorous.

Why, I’d horse-whip you if I had a horse.

So, I’m lying on the couch and Laura walks in and I say, ‚Free at last,‘ and she says ‚You’re free all right, you’re free to do the dishes.‘ So I say, ‚You’re talking to the former president, baby,‘ and she said, ‚consider this your new domestic policy agenda.‘

Humor is the first of the gifts to perish in a foreign tongue.

There’s different kinds of laughs. It’s like a baseball lineup: this guy’s your power hitter, this guy gets on base, this guy works out walks. If everybody does their job, we’re gonna win.

When I die, I’m leaving my body to science fiction.

I have a very strict gun control policy: if there’s a gun around, I want to be in control of it.

I make fun of situations and try and find the humor in things, but it’s never at the expense of the other guy.

The thing that I fear discriminating against is humor and truth.

You can call me the bad boy chef all you want. I’m not going to freak out about it. I’m not that bad. I’m certainly not a boy, and it’s been a while since I’ve been a chef.

A lot of truth is said in jest.

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.