Everything I say is a joke. I am a joke myself.

‚Educational‘ refers to the process, not the object. Although, come to think of it, some of my teachers could easily have been replaced by a cheeseburger.

Whatever is funny is subversive, every joke is ultimately a custard pie… a dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion.

Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion. I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning up to do afterward.

There is a rumour going around that I have found God. I think this is unlikely because I have enough difficulty finding my keys, and there is empirical evidence that they exist.

That’s the trouble with being me. At this point, nobody gives a damn what my problem is. I could literally have a tumor on the side of my head and they’d be like, ‚Yeah, big deal. I’d eat a tumor every morning for the kinda money you’re pulling down.‘

No one will ever win the battle of the sexes; there’s too much fraternizing with the enemy.

Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.

Humorists can never start to take themselves seriously. It’s literary suicide.

The first of April is the day we remember what we are the other 364 days of the year.

I was kind of secretly hoping one of my kids would go out and make a million bucks. So when they put me in a home, at least I’ll have a window with a view.

Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can’t predict what people will laugh at.

My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style.

Good jokes are gems. A good idea is hard to come by. I couldn’t give them to someone else, even for money. It just wouldn’t seem right.

Well, to the people who pray for me to not only have an agonising death, but then be reborn to have an agonising and horrible eternal life of torture, I say, ‚Well, good on you. See you there.‘

I’m not a serious person, and I don’t like serious people.

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

When I die, I’m leaving my body to science fiction.

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn’t pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

The only advantage of not being too good a housekeeper is that your guests are so pleased to feel how very much better they are.

I’d call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and I’m here to help.

I don’t think it’s possible to have a sense of tragedy without having a sense of humor.

Homework’s hard. Especially math. My kids joke with me. They tell me they have homework. I say, ‚Okay.‘ And then I sit down and they say, ‚It’s math.‘ ‚No! Not math! English, history, anything!‘

I think that God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

An onion can make people cry but there’s never been a vegetable that can make people laugh.

The difference between a misfortune and a calamity is this: If Gladstone fell into the Thames, it would be a misfortune. But if someone dragged him out again, that would be a calamity.

You make ‚em, I amuse ‚em.

I was always making my friends laugh, but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom.

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

People say I look so happy – and I say, ‚That’s the Botox.‘

I was terrible at straight items. When I wrote obituaries, my mother said the only thing I ever got them to do was die in alphabetical order.

When you’re coming up with new material, it’s not always gonna be good. The only way to learn is for it not to get a laugh, so you can adjust it and come back the next day to see if it’s working right. Next time, you might get a different laugh. You’re constantly rebuilding.

I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: no good in a bed, but fine up against a wall.

You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.

Gentle dullness ever loves a joke.

The intelligent man finds almost everything ridiculous, the sensible man hardly anything.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

Crankiness is at the essence of all comedy. My wife and I were discussing the different types of cranky. There’s entertaining cranky, annoying cranky, angry cranky.

I’m not confused. I’m just well mixed.

Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.

My absolute favourite piece of information is the fact that young sloths are so inept that they frequently grab their own arms and legs instead of tree limbs, and fall out of trees.

Do not laugh much or often or unrestrainedly.

In 1969, I gave up women and alcohol – it was the worst 20 minutes of my life.

I have a very strict gun control policy: if there’s a gun around, I want to be in control of it.

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.

Government is like a baby. An alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other.

You can call me the bad boy chef all you want. I’m not going to freak out about it. I’m not that bad. I’m certainly not a boy, and it’s been a while since I’ve been a chef.

There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.

People who do not know how to laugh are always pompous and self-conceited.

Humor is reason gone mad.

I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.

Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

Take my wife… Please!

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

I would like to take you seriously, but to do so would be an affront to your intelligence.

Stand-up is my baby.

A man’s only as old as the woman he feels.

The greatest thing about being a comedian is knowing other comedians. And you get to talk to them. Its the most fun.

Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.