Either he’s dead or my watch has stopped.

Well, all comedy starts with anger. You get angry, and its never for a good reason, right? You know its not a good reason. And then you try and work it from there.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

I am odd-looking. I sometimes think I look like a funny Muppet.

The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

I try to be funny and not ignorant.

The first two games for Churchill, I was so jittery that I didn’t know what to do. I was running more but didn’t know what to do. I’ve no bones accepting the fact that I didn’t know what was happening in the game.

It’s always wonderful to get to know women, with the mystery and the joy and the depth. If you can make a woman laugh, you’re seeing the most beautiful thing on God’s Earth.

It’s so hard to know what to do when one wishes earnestly to do right.

I’m screamingly funny, you know, I really am in the books. And that helps because I’m funnier than a lot of people, I think, and that’s appreciated by young people.

Generally, a writer of force is anywhere from 20 years to 200 years ahead of his generation.

A friend of mine jokes that I have a painstaking royalty complex. Like maybe I was a duke in a past life.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

There are many events in the womb of time, which will be delivered.

Truth is the daughter of time, not of authority.

The magical, supernatural force that is with us every second is time. We can’t even comprehend it. It’s such an illusion, it’s such a strange thing.

I don’t know what can be so dangerous about giving people hope.

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

The first of April is the day we remember what we are the other 364 days of the year.

I like quips. I like whiffs of cynicism and I think they can be witty. But I don’t really know where wittiness is constructive.

The truth is I love being alive. And I love feeling free. So if I can’t have those things then I feel like a caged animal and I’d rather not be in a cage. I’d rather be dead. And it’s real simple. And I think it’s not that uncommon.

They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.

What constitutes a real, live human being is more of a mystery than ever these days, and men each one of whom is a valuable, unique experiment on the part of nature are shot down wholesale.

The only things one can admire at length are those one admires without knowing why.

My goal is to make everyone and anyone a Kevin Hart fan.

Prepare for the unknown by studying how others in the past have coped with the unforeseeable and the unpredictable.

The uncertainty of parenting can bring up feelings in us that range from frustration to terror.

If my survival caused another to perish, then death would be sweeter and more beloved.

Death surrenders us totally to God: it makes us enter into him; we must, in return, surrender ourselves to death with absolute love and self-abandonment since, when death comes, all we can do is to surrender ourselves completely to the domination and guidance of God.

A wonderful fact to reflect upon, that every human creature is constituted to be that profound secret and mystery to every other.

Which death is preferably to every other? ‚The unexpected‘.

How many legs does a dog have if you call his tail a leg? Four. Saying that a tail is a leg doesn’t make it a leg.

Life’s short. Anything could happen, and it usually does, so there is no point in sitting around thinking about all the ifs, ands and buts.

Talent without discipline is like an octopus on roller skates. There’s plenty of movement, but you never know if it’s going to be forward, backwards, or sideways.

Every man’s life ends the same way. It is only the details of how he lived and how he died that distinguish one man from another.

As long as your body is healthy and under control and death is distant, try to save your soul; when death is immanent what can you do?

Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue.

Nature gives to every time and season some beauties of its own; and from morning to night, as from the cradle to the grave, it is but a succession of changes so gentle and easy that we can scarcely mark their progress.

Every parting gives a foretaste of death, every reunion a hint of the resurrection.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, ‚Did you sleep good?‘ I said ‚No, I made a few mistakes.‘

Every once in a while I get the highly inappropriate proposal which is like, ‚Wow, Really! You don’t even know me and I don’t know you at all, and you want that to happen? Tonight? Ok, I get off work at 7.30.‘

I don’t mind making jokes, but I don’t want to look like one.

We are time’s subjects, and time bids be gone.

Comedians are sociologists. We’re pointing out stuff that the general public doesn’t even stop to think about, looking at life in slow-motion and questioning everything we see.

Every country is like a particular type of person. America is like a belligerent, adolescent boy; Canada is like an intelligent, 35-year-old woman. Australia is like Jack Nicholson. It comes right up to you and laughs very hard in your face in a highly threatening and engaging manner.

I bet after seeing us, George Washington would sue us for calling him ‚father.‘

Nobody enjoys the ‚little show about nothing‘ humor more than me, but that is never the way I look at it.

Instead of giving money to found colleges to promote learning, why don’t they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as good as the Prohibition one did, why, in five years we would have the smartest race of people on earth.

The poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese.

So, I’m lying on the couch and Laura walks in and I say, ‚Free at last,‘ and she says ‚You’re free all right, you’re free to do the dishes.‘ So I say, ‚You’re talking to the former president, baby,‘ and she said, ‚consider this your new domestic policy agenda.‘

Not knowing when the dawn will come I open every door.

I’ve been thinking of humorous things since I was… I can’t remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high, all the way through high school, through college and after college, I was thinking of the same kinds of things that I say in front of an audience now.

The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there’s no risk of accident for someone who’s dead.

Existence really is an imperfect tense that never becomes a present.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

Indecision may or may not be my problem.

The universe can take quite a while to deliver.

Someone once asked me, ‚How long does it take to do your hair.‘ I said, ‚I don’t know, I’m never there.‘

If you are not allowed to laugh in heaven, I don’t want to go there.

No story is the same to us after a lapse of time; or rather we who read it are no longer the same interpreters.

It’s sometimes comical to hear the younger generation ask their peers to repeat themselves.