‚Educational‘ refers to the process, not the object. Although, come to think of it, some of my teachers could easily have been replaced by a cheeseburger.

The other day I… uh, no, that wasn’t me.

I’m not confused. I’m just well mixed.

You can always count on Americans to do the right thing – after they’ve tried everything else.

What we want is to see the child in pursuit of knowledge, and not knowledge in pursuit of the child.

Training is everything. The peach was once a bitter almond; cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.

Community colleges play an important role in helping people transition between careers by providing the retooling they need to take on a new career.

Never injure a friend, even in jest.

When I’m on stage, it’s really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say it all the right way. It’s funny how different it looks and how it’s happening. There are three Fellini circuses in my head, and outwardly it looks like I’m going to get a bagel.

I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.

Tyranny or slavery, born of selfishness, are the two educational methods of parents; all gradations of tyranny or slavery.

My philosophy is, it’s always very rewarding when you can make an audience laugh. I don’t mind making fun of myself. I like self-deprecating comedy. But I’d like you to laugh with me occasionally, too.

I know some of the best Dolly Parton jokes. I made ‚em up myself.

I was the first woman to burn my bra – it took the fire department four days to put it out.

The most important part of education is proper training in the nursery.

Either he’s dead or my watch has stopped.

The function of education is to teach one to think intensively and to think critically. Intelligence plus character – that is the goal of true education.

Comedy’s about opening up and being unique, but to a point where the audience can relate to what you’re saying.

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

If children grew up according to early indications, we should have nothing but geniuses.

I don’t believe in colleges and universities.

Scratch a Yale man with both hands and you’ll be lucky to find a coast-guard. Usually you find nothing at all.

It is crucial that young people are taught sustainable child production and rearing.

I’ve just had eighteen straight whiskies. I think that’s the record.

If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.

The more cats you have, the longer you live. If you have a hundred cats, you’ll live 10 times longer than if you have 10. Someday this will be discovered, and people will have a thousand cats and live forever. It’s truly ridiculous.

I spent three days a week for 10 years educating myself in the public library, and it’s better than college. People should educate themselves – you can get a complete education for no money. At the end of 10 years, I had read every book in the library and I’d written a thousand stories.

People make jokes about my bosoms, why don’t they look underneath the breasts at the heart? It’s obvious I’ve got big ones and if people want to assume they’re not mine, then let them.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, ‚Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours.‘ He said, ‚Yes, but not in a row.‘

I would like to take you seriously, but to do so would be an affront to your intelligence.

The more that learn to read the less learn how to make a living. That’s one thing about a little education. It spoils you for actual work. The more you know the more you think somebody owes you a living.

Any reviewer who expresses rage and loathing for a novel is preposterous. He or she is like a person who has put on full armor and attacked a hot fudge sundae.

Cutting the deficit by gutting our investments in innovation and education is like lightening an overloaded airplane by removing its engine. It may make you feel like you’re flying high at first, but it won’t take long before you feel the impact.

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is, it’s always room temperature.

I love that I can tell the truth and have people laugh at it.

I would fain grow old learning many things.

I never went to school more than six months in my life, but I can say this: that among my earliest recollections, I remember how, when a mere child, I used to get irritated when anybody talked to me in a way I could not understand.

I never enjoyed school and I was never that good at school so leaving wasn’t the biggest thing, but the social aspect of school, leaving your friends, you lose contact with them a bit and now I have more friends at the race track than the friends I keep in touch with at school.

My husband says I look like a Q-tip.

My husband and I had to raise five of my younger brothers and sisters. They lived with us. We sent them to school.

Religion, any religion, no matter what sort of wonderful religion, never be universal. So now education is universal, so we have to sort of find ways and means through education system, from kindergarten up to university level, to make awareness these good things, the values, inner values.

I’m turned on by guys who are cultured. That’ll keep me intrigued. They don’t have to have a single degree, but they should speak other languages or know things about other parts of the world or history or certain artists or musicians. I like to be taught. I like to sit on that side of the table.

The first condition of education is being able to put someone to wholesome and meaningful work.

Is life worth living? It all depends on the liver.

Education is not a problem. Education is an opportunity.

The business schools reward difficult complex behavior more than simple behavior, but simple behavior is more effective.

Knowledge which is acquired under compulsion obtains no hold on the mind.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

If you give a person a fish, they’ll fish for a day. But if you train a person to fish, they’ll fish for a lifetime.

There’s nothing like white trash at the White House.

If you’re serious, you really understand that it’s important that you laugh as much as possible and admit that you’re the funniest person you ever met. You have to laugh. Admit that you’re funny. Otherwise, you die in solemnity.

Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.

I just think it’s so important not to take yourself too seriously.

Frivolity is inborn, conceit acquired by education.

I’ve got the brain of a four year old. I’ll bet he was glad to be rid of it.

If you have religious faith, very good, you can add on secular ethics, then religious belief, add on it, very good. But even those people who have no interest about religion, okay, it’s not religion, but you can train through education.

The schools ain’t what they used to be and never was.

I am a big believer in education, because when I grew up in Austria – when I grew up in Austria I had a great education. I had great teachers.

I won’t belong to any organization that would have me as a member.

I think that God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

‚Discworld‘ is taking something that you know is ridiculous and treating it as if it is serious, to see if something interesting happens when you do so.