‚Educational‘ refers to the process, not the object. Although, come to think of it, some of my teachers could easily have been replaced by a cheeseburger.

This country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as when the baby gets hold of a hammer.

The more cats you have, the longer you live. If you have a hundred cats, you’ll live 10 times longer than if you have 10. Someday this will be discovered, and people will have a thousand cats and live forever. It’s truly ridiculous.

I won’t belong to any organization that would have me as a member.

Wisdom alone is the science of other sciences.

All that the future holds in store for each sacred child of God will be shaped by his or her parents, family, friends, and teachers. Thus, our faith now becomes part of our posterity’s faith later.

I’ve exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.

Education is the ability to listen to almost anything without losing your temper or your self-confidence.

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

Ultimately, education in its real sense is the pursuit of truth. It is an endless journey through knowledge and enlightenment.

Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.

No country can really develop unless its citizens are educated.

They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.

Instead of giving money to found colleges to promote learning, why don’t they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as good as the Prohibition one did, why, in five years we would have the smartest race of people on earth.

We cannot teach people anything; we can only help them discover it within themselves.

Tell me and I forget. Teach me and I remember. Involve me and I learn.

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.

I don’t need therapy. I’m not going to see a therapist; comedy acts as my therapy. I put my problems out there. I talk about them. I talk about everything before anybody has a chance.

Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee, and I’ll forgive Thy great big joke on me.

The more that learn to read the less learn how to make a living. That’s one thing about a little education. It spoils you for actual work. The more you know the more you think somebody owes you a living.

I think that, ah, I’m a very goofy sort of person in many ways.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, ‚See if you can blow this out.‘

In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.

The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently.

A vacuum is a hell of a lot better than some of the stuff that nature replaces it with.

As an entrepreneur, as an investor, I’m trying to be as educated as I can to where the progression of technological capability is going and what it does to these different categories that, me as an artist and an influencer, I can get involved and bring value.

My biological mother later found out that my mother had never graduated from college and that my father had never graduated from high school. She refused to sign the final adoption papers. She only relented a few months later when my parents promised that I would someday go to college.

The poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese.

A teacher should have a creative mind.

I have a very strict gun control policy: if there’s a gun around, I want to be in control of it.

You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That’s what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.

What I have never been afraid of is to be a little silly, and you can engage people that way. My view is, first you get them to laugh, then you get them to listen.

I would have a workshop attached to every school, and one hour a day given up to the teaching of simple decorative arts. It would be a golden hour to the children.

I like the app where you can make your own memes. I make memes all the time and send them to my friends.

Upon books the collective education of the race depends; they are the sole instruments of registering, perpetuating and transmitting thought.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

We’re a phenomenally snobby society, and it’s such a rich seam. The middle class is so funny: it’s the class I know best, and it’s the class where you find the most pretension, so that’s what makes the middle classes so funny.

Like anything else that happens on its own, the act of writing is beyond currency. Money is great stuff to have, but when it comes to the act of creation, the best thing is not to think of money too much. It constipates the whole process.

Praise undeserved, is satire in disguise.

My success comes in making fun of whatever you’re doing. That’s my way.

Whether you want to go into music, whether you want to be a lawyer, whether you want to be President of the United States, the bottom line for all of you is that you have got to get your education.

God is a comedian, playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.

I’m odd looking. Sometimes I think I look like a funny muppet.

My husband calls me ‚catfish.‘ He says I’m all mouth and no brains.

When people laugh at Mickey Mouse, it’s because he’s so human; and that is the secret of his popularity.

I’ve been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she’ll kill me.

When you have a conflict, that means that there are truths that have to be addressed on each side of the conflict. And when you have a conflict, then it’s an educational process to try to resolve the conflict. And to resolve that, you have to get people on both sides of the conflict involved so that they can dialogue.

Humor is mankind’s greatest blessing.

History has proven that each generation of Howard graduates will forge the way forward for our country and our world.

Training is everything. The peach was once a bitter almond; cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.

College isn’t the place to go for ideas.

The giving of love is an education in itself.

We learned about gratitude and humility – that so many people had a hand in our success, from the teachers who inspired us to the janitors who kept our school clean… and we were taught to value everyone’s contribution and treat everyone with respect.

There happen to be a lot of people around who spent an hour on the Internet and think they know a lot of physics, but it doesn’t work like that… There’s a reason there are graduate schools in these departments.

I tell you, we are here on Earth to fart around, and don’t let anybody tell you different.

A thorough knowledge of the Bible is worth more than a college education.

Hell is full of musical amateurs.

Women tend to be more intuitive, or to admit to being intuitive, and maybe the hard science approach isn’t so attractive. The way that science is taught is very cold. I would never have become a scientist if I had been taught like that.

Cutting the deficit by gutting our investments in innovation and education is like lightening an overloaded airplane by removing its engine. It may make you feel like you’re flying high at first, but it won’t take long before you feel the impact.

It is really funny when people say you’d be obvious for a great villain.