Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

I just think it’s so important not to take yourself too seriously.

All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.

If I studied all my life, I couldn’t think up half the number of funny things passed in one session of congress.

I’m a big believer than a great bit is a great bit – if I go and see someone I love, like Robert Klein. I want to hear some classics and some new stuff. But a great stand-up bit takes a long time to really polish and perfect, and they’re beautiful things when they’re done.

Homework’s hard. Especially math. My kids joke with me. They tell me they have homework. I say, ‚Okay.‘ And then I sit down and they say, ‚It’s math.‘ ‚No! Not math! English, history, anything!‘

For me, the way I stay consistent is through stand-up comedy.

The nice thing about being a celebrity is that, if you bore people, they think it’s their fault.

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

You can always count on Americans to do the right thing – after they’ve tried everything else.

My comedy is different every time I do it. I don’t know what the hell I’m doing.

If a politician found he had cannibals among his constituents, he would promise them missionaries for dinner.

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too.

My husband calls me ‚catfish.‘ He says I’m all mouth and no brains.

My philosophy is, it’s always very rewarding when you can make an audience laugh. I don’t mind making fun of myself. I like self-deprecating comedy. But I’d like you to laugh with me occasionally, too.

It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.

I love making people laugh. And I love laughing.

There was a time when people said, ‚Jim, if you keep on making faces, your face will freeze like that.‘ Now they just say, ‚Pay him!‘

When they call the roll in the Senate, the Senators do not know whether to answer ‚Present‘ or ‚Not guilty.‘

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.

Teach a parrot the terms ‚supply and demand‘ and you’ve got an economist.

I once told Nixon that the Presidency is like being a jackass caught in a hail storm. You’ve got to just stand there and take it.

That is why, no matter how desperate the predicament is, I am always very much in earnest about clutching my cane, straightening my derby hat and fixing my tie, even though I have just landed on my head.

When things get so absurd and so stupid and so ridiculous that you just can’t bear it, you cannot help but turn everything into a joke.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

So, I’m lying on the couch and Laura walks in and I say, ‚Free at last,‘ and she says ‚You’re free all right, you’re free to do the dishes.‘ So I say, ‚You’re talking to the former president, baby,‘ and she said, ‚consider this your new domestic policy agenda.‘

Any reviewer who expresses rage and loathing for a novel is preposterous. He or she is like a person who has put on full armor and attacked a hot fudge sundae.

It’s a funny old world.

I don’t go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it’s contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me.

To be a successful father… there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.

My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‚All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.‘

Whatever is funny is subversive, every joke is ultimately a custard pie… a dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion.

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.

Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee, and I’ll forgive Thy great big joke on me.

Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

You know, crankiness is at the essence of all comedy.

Some sarcasm is best told simply.

Men show their character in nothing more clearly than what they think laughable.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

Humor has justly been regarded as the finest perfection of poetic genius.

In my house I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.

The other day I… uh, no, that wasn’t me.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, ‚Did you sleep good?‘ I said ‚No, I made a few mistakes.‘

Gentle dullness ever loves a joke.

Comedians are sociologists. We’re pointing out stuff that the general public doesn’t even stop to think about, looking at life in slow-motion and questioning everything we see.

So many guys are so conservative with their hair, and I always joke with all my buddies when they mess with me, and I’ll say, ‚That’s right, keep the same haircut for ten years.‘ How fun is that?

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.

People may think I’m trying something new by telling stories, but they’re just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That’s what I do.

I often joke that 100 years from now I hope people are saying, ‚Dang, she looks good for her age!‘

Most of the stuff I do on the show comes out of me just trying to make my friends laugh.

It’s true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance?

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

We must laugh at man to avoid crying for him.

People say I look so happy – and I say, ‚That’s the Botox.‘

There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.

I like quips. I like whiffs of cynicism and I think they can be witty. But I don’t really know where wittiness is constructive.