Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

There is a rumour going around that I have found God. I think this is unlikely because I have enough difficulty finding my keys, and there is empirical evidence that they exist.

The nice thing about being a celebrity is that, if you bore people, they think it’s their fault.

Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing, and that was the closest our country has ever been to being even.

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

The funny thing is people won’t let me pay for things. I’ll be in a restaurant and the manager will say, ‚Oh no, it’s on the house.‘

As the poet said, ‚Only God can make a tree,‘ probably because it’s so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.

If I ever had twins, I’d use one for parts.

I’m not a serious person, and I don’t like serious people.

God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board.

It’s very interesting, the joke comes first and then the wording comes within five seconds, maybe ten seconds. My thing is to get the joke across in as few words as possible. However, sometimes a word that’s not really needed does help the rhythm of it. It’s a gut feeling.

They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.

There is only one step from the sublime to the ridiculous.

I must have read every issue of ‚Punch‘ published in the 20th century, and I think in the process I picked up the true voice of English humour – that amiable, fairly liberal, laconic voice which you find in something like ‚Three Men in a Boat.‘

I was terrible at straight items. When I wrote obituaries, my mother said the only thing I ever got them to do was die in alphabetical order.

Believe it or not, I make myself laugh. Sometimes when I have thoughts or say some things that are funny, it just makes me laugh, and I don’t mind laughing at it before you guys do.

Comedy’s about opening up and being unique, but to a point where the audience can relate to what you’re saying.

Writers are a little below clowns and a little above trained seals.

I don’t believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

I laugh all the time – at things, people, stuff, whatever. But, I don’t laugh onstage because then it’s serious business.

You have a ready wit. Tell me when it’s ready.

The gods too are fond of a joke.

If I had to describe myself to an alien I’d say I was bigger than the average human, enjoy a drink or two with a good meal and have a bigger head than most. I’d also say I’m really handsome – especially if they were a female alien.

For me, it’s a purity thing about the joke itself. It’s a test of a joke whether or not you do it completely clean and it works. If it does, then that’s a legitimate item you have there. For me, it’s nothing to do with finding those words offensive. It’s just not what I’m in search of. Do it clean, and you are really earning that laugh.

William Gladstone has not a single redeeming defect.

Marriage is neither heaven nor hell, it is simply purgatory.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, ‚Did you sleep good?‘ I said ‚No, I made a few mistakes.‘

My life has been one great big joke, a dance that’s walked a song that’s spoke, I laugh so hard I almost choke when I think about myself.

A lot of truth is said in jest.

You’re not going to see my sense of humor on the football field. That’s not a place for me to joke around.

I remember straightening my hair because I wanted to be like everybody else, and now the fact that anybody would emulate what I do? It’s just funny.

Jesters do often prove prophets.

I’m always amazed that people take what I say seriously. I don’t even take what I am seriously.

There is nothing so difficult to marry as a large nose.

If somebody thinks they’re a hedgehog, presumably you just give ‚em a mirror and a few pictures of hedgehogs and tell them to sort it out for themselves.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for their final exam.

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

Marrying an old bachelor is like buying second-hand furniture.

I love that I can tell the truth and have people laugh at it.

Why should we take advice on sex from the pope? If he knows anything about it, he shouldn’t!

When things get so absurd and so stupid and so ridiculous that you just can’t bear it, you cannot help but turn everything into a joke.

Everything I say is a joke. I am a joke myself.

There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.

Most of the time I don’t have much fun. The rest of the time I don’t have any fun at all.

Work is the curse of the drinking classes.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere.

The other day I… uh, no, that wasn’t me.

If you can’t make it better, you can laugh at it.

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?

My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‚All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.‘

I’ve tried to reduce profanity but I reduced so much profanity when writing the book that I’m afraid not much could come out. Perhaps we will have to consider it simply as a profane book and hope that the next book will be less profane or perhaps more sacred.

If at first you don’t succeed… so much for skydiving.

Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.

I confess I enjoy democracy immensely. It is incomparably idiotic, and hence incomparably amusing.

I’m a meathead, man. You’ve got smart people, and you’ve got dumb people. I just happen to be dumb.

I’ve always had to conquer fear when I’m on stage. Basically, I was and still am a very shy person. It’s absolutely in conflict with what I do. But once I deliver the first joke I’m okay. It’s like I’m out there all by myself just delivering my lines to nobody in particular without ever trying to notice the audience in front of me.

I did stand-up, weird and ignorant stuff about my career – anything for a laugh.

As an athlete, you’d better laugh at yourself when you slip in the mud.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.