Do you know what you call those who use towels and never wash them, eat meals and never do the dishes, sit in rooms they never clean, and are entertained till they drop? If you have just answered, ‚A house guest,‘ you’re wrong because I have just described my kids.

When you’re around the kids, you feel like you act the most grown up just because you’re supposed to lead. I say things, like every other parent, that reminds you of your own parents. One thing I do know about being a parent, you understand why your father was in a bad mood a lot.

He that raises a large family does, indeed, while he lives to observe them, stand a broader mark for sorrow; but then he stands a broader mark for pleasure too.

The loss of a child is my greatest nightmare.

It’s true that I’ve never had a burning desire to rebel against my parents.

Little children are still the symbol of the eternal marriage between love and duty.

You know, crankiness is at the essence of all comedy.

People change because of kids. They change how they eat. They change the way they think. They change the way they see one another.

I do all my own stunts. I’m kidding.

My neighbor has a circular driveway… he can’t get out.

I want a president who will teach our children that everyone in this country matters, a president who truly believes in the vision that our Founders put forth all those years ago that we are all created equal, each a beloved part of the great American story.

Wit is the lowest form of humor.

I think about my own sons and my own daughters, and I’m sure that many parents are concerned about what their children are exposed to.

I think it is the height of ignorance to believe that the sexual act is an independent function necessary like sleeping or eating. Seeing, therefore, that I did not desire more children, I began to strive after self-control. There was endless difficulty in the task.

Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.

Most of us believe, or should believe, that every child can learn, given the opportunity, but try substitute teaching just once and you will see firsthand the socioeconomic issues that distract our kids from taking advantage of that opportunity.

I often joke that 100 years from now I hope people are saying, ‚Dang, she looks good for her age!‘

I’ve felt like an outsider all my life. It comes from my mother, who always felt like an outsider in my father’s family. She was a powerful woman, and she motivated my father.

I really like children to watch my movies.

A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age.

I had my first baby at twenty-one.

The thing I enjoyed most were visits from children. They did not want public office.

Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself. They came through you but not from you and though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

I like quips. I like whiffs of cynicism and I think they can be witty. But I don’t really know where wittiness is constructive.

In 1969, I gave up women and alcohol – it was the worst 20 minutes of my life.

Our lifestyle was not in any way a negative. That was not the problem. That is and will remain one of the wonderful opportunities we are able to give our children.

I don’t make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.

While children are struggling to be unique, the world around them is trying all means to make them look like everybody else.

I’ve never lived my life in the opinion of others. I believe I’m a good person. I believe I’m a good mom. But that’s for my kids to decide, not for the world.

You can’t trample infidels when you’re a tortoise. I mean, all you could do is give them a meaningful look.

You know, nothing is more important than education, because nowhere are our stakes higher; our future depends on the quality of education of our children today.

I’m dying to be a great dad one day, whenever that day comes.

If you’ve ever hauled a 28-pound two-year-old around New York, you’ll find that men fold at the knees a lot quicker than women.

Fathers should be neither seen nor heard. That is the only proper basis for family life.

The more cats you have, the longer you live. If you have a hundred cats, you’ll live 10 times longer than if you have 10. Someday this will be discovered, and people will have a thousand cats and live forever. It’s truly ridiculous.

That is why, no matter how desperate the predicament is, I am always very much in earnest about clutching my cane, straightening my derby hat and fixing my tie, even though I have just landed on my head.

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

To the women and children, T stands for tender. To the bad guys and thugs, it stands for tough.

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

I have learned that only two things are necessary to keep one’s wife happy. First, let her think she’s having her own way. And second, let her have it.

Teach a parrot the terms ‚supply and demand‘ and you’ve got an economist.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

When things get so absurd and so stupid and so ridiculous that you just can’t bear it, you cannot help but turn everything into a joke.

If you make any money, the government shoves you in the creek once a year with it in your pockets, and all that don’t get wet you can keep.

The aim of a joke is not to degrade the human being, but to remind him that he is already degraded.

I don’t feel that I’m explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I’m not trying to be a mirror, showing them what’s really going on the world. All I’m trying to do is think of stuff that’s funny, just like when I’m kidding around with my friends.

I often look ridiculous in Japan. There’s really no way to eat in Japan, particularly kaiseki in a traditional ryokan, without offending the Japanese horribly. Every gesture, every movement is just so atrociously wrong, and the more I try, the more hilarious it is.

I make fun of situations and try and find the humor in things, but it’s never at the expense of the other guy.

I confess I enjoy democracy immensely. It is incomparably idiotic, and hence incomparably amusing.

Nobody enjoys the ‚little show about nothing‘ humor more than me, but that is never the way I look at it.

I was born on a full moon. Both my children were born on full moons, too. Some people say that’s scary. It is what it is, man, I don’t be trippin‘. I couldn’t tell God when I wanted to be born.

People have told me, ‚You shouldn’t bring your daughter onto the podium, ‚cause it’s the workplace,‘ and things like that. But I’m not gonna really listen to that. I’m gonna do what I think is fun for me and my family, and everything’ll be all right.

Any reviewer who expresses rage and loathing for a novel is preposterous. He or she is like a person who has put on full armor and attacked a hot fudge sundae.

The best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they want and then advise them to do it.

I tell you, we are here on Earth to fart around, and don’t let anybody tell you different.

If one morning I walked on top of the water across the Potomac River, the headline that afternoon would read: ‚President Can’t Swim.‘

I try to be funny and not ignorant.

No parent is perfect; we all can look back and think of things we could’ve done to help our children be better prepared for adulthood. And sometimes it’s best to admit it to them and encourage them to learn from our mistakes.

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

There’s nothing funnier than the human animal.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.