Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you’re in the wrong house, that’s what it means.

House guests should be regarded as perishables: Leave them out too long and they go bad.

I never even thought of myself as deadpan until someone wrote an article about me about a year after I was doing comedy. There was a paper called the ‚Boston Phoenix,‘ and someone wrote a description of what I was doing and that’s where I first saw ‚deadpan.‘

Man’s enemies are not demons, but human beings like himself.

There is no more lovely, friendly and charming relationship, communion or company than a good marriage.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier… I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

God is a comedian, playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Loving someone liberates the lover as well as the beloved. And that kind of love comes with age.

The difference between a misfortune and a calamity is this: If Gladstone fell into the Thames, it would be a misfortune. But if someone dragged him out again, that would be a calamity.

Men get to be a mixture of the charming mannerisms of the women they have known.

I grew up in a funny way.

Consult your friend on all things, especially on those which respect yourself. His counsel may then be useful where your own self-love might impair your judgment.

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.

I’ve had moments when I’ve thought about somebody, picked up the phone to call them and they are on the line already, and I think that maybe there’s some vibration, some connection.

The moment you have in your heart this extraordinary thing called love and feel the depth, the delight, the ecstasy of it, you will discover that for you the world is transformed.

Love does not dominate; it cultivates.

Men always want to be a woman’s first love – women like to be a man’s last romance.

No rapper in the world from Jay-Z to Tupac to Biggie has 100 percent love on everything they do.

Love to everybody who is out there progressing and taking things to the next level.

Why love if losing hurts so much? I have no answers anymore; only the life I have lived. The pain now is part of the happiness then.

Lovers often invest their first meetings with retrospective significance, as if to try to conjure the elements of the numinous out of the stubborn witness of the everyday.

If women believed in their husbands they would be a good deal happier and also a good deal more foolish.

Stand-up is hard.

Friendship is the marriage of the soul, and this marriage is liable to divorce.

We were never intimate mother and children while she was our mother – but… when she became our child, the affection came.

Loving people live in a loving world. Hostile people live in a hostile world. Same world.

Of all nature’s gifts to the human race, what is sweeter to a man than his children?

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age.

To me, my house is always recreating what I lost in youth.

A man is in general better pleased when he has a good dinner upon his table, than when his wife talks Greek.

Single life is so overrated.

My father probably thought the capital of the world was wherever he was at the time. It couldn’t possibly be anyplace else. Where he and his wife were in their own home, that, for them, was the capital of the world.

Those who hate you don’t win unless you hate them, and then you destroy yourself.

Instead of giving money to found colleges to promote learning, why don’t they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as good as the Prohibition one did, why, in five years we would have the smartest race of people on earth.

I’m more at home with my log cabins than I am in my house in Cherry Hill.

It is not our purpose to become each other; it is to recognize each other, to learn to see the other and honor him for what he is.

I am radically, insanely, nutty in love with Jesus!

People who have given us their complete confidence believe that they have a right to ours. The inference is false, a gift confers no rights.

Kindness in words creates confidence. Kindness in thinking creates profoundness. Kindness in giving creates love.

We do not judge the people we love.

When we turn to one another for counsel we reduce the number of our enemies.

The greatest gift that you can give to others is the gift of unconditional love and acceptance.

Great loves too must be endured.

Love is a trap. When it appears, we see only its light, not its shadows.

Those whom we can love, we can hate; to others we are indifferent.

As a single withered tree, if set aflame, causes a whole forest to burn, so does a rascal son destroy a whole family.

As a matter of self-preservation, a man needs good friends or ardent enemies, for the former instruct him and the latter take him to task.

I wish people would love everybody else the way they love me. It would be a better world.

Let us fill our hearts with our own compassion – towards ourselves and towards all living beings.

She would have thrived as a grandmother. I know how much she would have contributed to their lives, and I am sad they will miss out on that.

A woman can’t be alone. She needs a man. A man and a woman support and strengthen each other. She just can’t do it by herself.

Love is something far more than desire for sexual intercourse; it is the principal means of escape from the loneliness which afflicts most men and women throughout the greater part of their lives.

I learned a great many years ago that in a fight between husband and wife, a third party should never get between the woman’s skillet and the man’s ax-helve.

You will always be fond of me. I represent to you all the sins you have never had the courage to commit.

When you face a ‚performance‘ that might provoke the ‚I’m scared‘ response, choose love and approach your opportunity as a chance to dance with God. It’s more fun than ‚Dancing with the Stars!‘

To fear love is to fear life, and those who fear life are already three parts dead.

Let there be no purpose in friendship save the deepening of the spirit.

It takes a great deal of bravery to stand up to our enemies, but just as much to stand up to our friends.

One never reaches home, but wherever friendly paths intersect the whole world looks like home for a time.