Do not laugh much or often or unrestrainedly.

As a lifestyle you always being the focal point is innately unhealthy.

We can fear things into existence. Fear looks into the future and imagines the worst that can happen.

You can’t trample infidels when you’re a tortoise. I mean, all you could do is give them a meaningful look.

The greatest weapon against stress is our ability to choose one thought over another.

Life is too short for long-term grudges.

Peace in the world starts with peace in oneself. If everyone lives mindfully, everyone will be more healthy, feel more fulfilled in their daily lives and there will be more peace.

The nice thing about being a celebrity is that, if you bore people, they think it’s their fault.

To be a successful father… there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.

The brain is like a muscle. When it is in use we feel very good. Understanding is joyous.

I must confess that I lead a miserable life. For almost two years, I have ceased to attend any social functions, just because I find it impossible to say to people, ‚I am deaf.‘ If I had any other profession, I might be able to cope with my infirmity; but in my profession, it is a terrible handicap.

My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style.

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

Going to a therapist is not something you do when you’re growing up as a street kid in Toronto.

Stand-up is my baby.

I do not, in fact, use many puns. Certainly there are far fewer than people believe. But I suspect the ones I do occasionally use tend to hang around in people’s memories for a while.

Govern a great nation as you would cook a small fish. Do not overdo it.

I was ready to quit music. It felt to me like music equalled death.

Eight years involved with the nuclear industry have taught me that when nothing can possible go wrong and every avenue has been covered, then is the time to buy a house on the next continent.

Just as your car runs more smoothly and requires less energy to go faster and farther when the wheels are in perfect alignment, you perform better when your thoughts, feelings, emotions, goals, and values are in balance.

I know I have to run 20 more minutes if I eat ice cream. Basically, I eat everything, but I just do more training.

It was that famous joke: What’s the last thing the drummer said before he got kicked out of the band? ‚Hey, I wrote a song.‘

There’s nothing like white trash at the White House.

In so far as the mind is stronger than the body, so are the ills contracted by the mind more severe than those contracted by the body.

If we may believe our logicians, man is distinguished from all other creatures by the faculty of laughter. He has a heart capable of mirth, and naturally disposed to it.

In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards.

Every country is like a particular type of person. America is like a belligerent, adolescent boy; Canada is like an intelligent, 35-year-old woman. Australia is like Jack Nicholson. It comes right up to you and laughs very hard in your face in a highly threatening and engaging manner.

I’m a super-duper over-analyzer. You mix that with self-doubt and pressure, and that’s never healthy.

Mirth is like a flash of lightning, that breaks through a gloom of clouds, and glitters for a moment; cheerfulness keeps up a kind of daylight in the mind, and fills it with a steady and perpetual serenity.

We should feel sorrow, but not sink under its oppression.

Nothing shows a man’s character more than what he laughs at.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it!

Colleges are like old-age homes, except for the fact that more people die in colleges.

Silence speaks so much louder than screaming tantrums. Never give anyone an excuse to say that you’re crazy.

I’m sure we, the American people, are the butt of jokes by those in power.

He who laughs best today, will also laughs last.

I think Buddhism should open the door of psychology and healing to penetrate more easily into the Western world.

When I die, I’m gonna leave my body to science fiction.

Neurosis is always a substitute for legitimate suffering.

More compassionate mind, more sense of concern for other’s well-being, is source of happiness.

In such a porcelain life, one likes to be sure that all is well lest one stumble upon one’s hopes in a pile of broken crockery.

If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.

It’s so important to realize that every time you get upset, it drains your emotional energy. Losing your cool makes you tired. Getting angry a lot messes with your health.

I don’t worry about stress. I create it.

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they’re eating sandwiches.

I’ve often felt depressed; everyone feels depressed.

I like the app where you can make your own memes. I make memes all the time and send them to my friends.

Just do some kind of workout. Doesn’t matter if it’s going for a walk around the block, going for a jog, doing some calisthenics, lifting weights, going to a pool and swimming – you name it. But do something that gets your blood flowing and gets your mind in the game.

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

People are always asking me in interviews, ‚What do you think of foreign affairs?‘ I just say, ‚I’ve had a few.‘

I love people who make me laugh. I honestly think it’s the thing I like most, to laugh. It cures a multitude of ills. It’s probably the most important thing in a person.

Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.

I don’t know how to live good. I only know how to suffer.

I don’t make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.

The beauty of the world, which is so soon to perish, has two edges, one of laughter, one of anguish, cutting the heart asunder.

I think a certain amount of stress in life is good. The stress of just working, which takes effort – I think it keeps you going.

What’s with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere?

If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.

Now I think that going to the gym is the best drug. I go four times a week and it gives me the buzz I need.

We have an epidemic of insecure people in our society today.

You don’t always have to be doing something. You can just be, and that’s plenty.