Different taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections.

Marriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.

It may be the part of a friend to rebuke a friend’s folly.

A politician is an arse upon which everyone has sat except a man.

I soothe my conscience now with the thought that it is better for hard words to be on paper than that Mummy should carry them in her heart.

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

I think daughters can change the perception of their fathers.

How many legs does a dog have if you call his tail a leg? Four. Saying that a tail is a leg doesn’t make it a leg.

To me, if you’re trying to impress a girl, get a date, they’re gonna like that more because you’re a confident guy. That’s what it comes down to.

Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.

There’s only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it is I’ll get married again.

This must be Thursday. I never could get the hang of Thursdays.

Most of the time I don’t have much fun. The rest of the time I don’t have any fun at all.

I’ve known and continue to know every one of these major world leaders by their first names, and I have access to them.

I’m not denyin‘ the women are foolish. God Almighty made ‚em to match the men.

Some people love so hard that they can’t control those emotions when they’re at their deepest point.

The prospect of dating someone in her twenties becomes less appealing as you get older. At some point in your life, your tolerance level goes down and you realize that, with someone much younger, there’s nothing really to talk about.

It destroys one’s nerves to be amiable every day to the same human being.

If I love you, what business is it of yours?

People hate as they love, unreasonably.

Sucking up to the biggies won’t get us anywhere.

People say that about me, that I apparently buy houses near every boy I like – that’s a thing that I apparently do. If I like you I will apparently buy up the real-estate market just to freak you out so you leave me.

When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That’s relativity.

True friendship is a plant of slow growth, and must undergo and withstand the shocks of adversity, before it is entitled to the appellation.

It has been hard for me to find it, but I have found love.

The only advantage of not being too good a housekeeper is that your guests are so pleased to feel how very much better they are.

I’m drawn to bad romances.

Humor has justly been regarded as the finest perfection of poetic genius.

As unique as we all are, an awful lot of us want the same things. We want to shake up our current less-than-fulfilling lives. We want to be happier, more loving, forgiving and connected with the people around us.

Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love.

Friendship with ones self is all important, because without it one cannot be friends with anyone else in the world.

Amour is the one human activity of any importance in which laughter and pleasure preponderate, if ever so slightly, over misery and pain.

Reading, solitude, idleness, a soft and sedentary life, intercourse with women and young people, these are perilous paths for a young man, and these lead him constantly into danger.

I like persons better than principles, and I like persons with no principles better than anything else in the world.

If someone has a really great boyfriend or career, I think, it’s cool that happens.

If you would be loved, love, and be loveable.

It always seems odd to me that the fundamental laws of physics, when discovered, can appear in so many different forms that are not apparently identical at first, but, with a little mathematical fiddling, you can show the relationship.

The Tao teaches us not to intervene and interfere. The things we love we have to learn to leave alone. And the people we love we have to learn to let them be.

Love is the ability and willingness to allow those that you care for to be what they choose for themselves without any insistence that they satisfy you.

Women deeply want men who are competent and powerful. And I don’t mean power in that they can exert tyrannical control over others. That’s not power. That’s just corruption.

The problem with me, as far as getting married and having a family, is that my comedy is so important to me. So I don’t know if I’ll ever be as good a dad as my dad.

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

I learned a great many years ago that in a fight between husband and wife, a third party should never get between the woman’s skillet and the man’s ax-helve.

This country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as when the baby gets hold of a hammer.

When women kiss it always reminds one of prize fighters shaking hands.

A strong man doesn’t have to be dominant toward a woman. He doesn’t match his strength against a woman weak with love for him. He matches it against the world.

We are afraid to care too much, for fear that the other person does not care at all.

You can write a song about being in love with someone, but you don’t have to be in love with anyone.

When people need love and understanding and support the most is when they deserve it the least.

Loving people live in a loving world. Hostile people live in a hostile world. Same world.

Impart as much as you can of your spiritual being to those who are on the road with you, and accept as something precious what comes back to you from them.

It is far better to be alone, than to be in bad company.

When the people we love stop paying attention, trust begins to slip away and hurt starts seeping in.

The African is my brother but he is my younger brother by several centuries.

We want our marriage to be a triumph, not a tragedy.

There is, hidden or flaunted, a sword between the sexes till an entire marriage reconciles them.

I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love.

The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it’s so much fun.

Were it not for imagination a man would be as happy in arms of a chambermaid as of a duchess.

The face of a lover is an unknown, precisely because it is invested with so much of oneself. It is a mystery, containing, like all mysteries, the possibility of torment.