Different taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections.

I’ve had moments when I’ve thought about somebody, picked up the phone to call them and they are on the line already, and I think that maybe there’s some vibration, some connection.

The capacity of human beings to bore one another seems to be vastly greater than that of any other animal.

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

The secret to humor is surprise.

Either he’s dead or my watch has stopped.

Between men and women there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship.

God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board.

The problem with me, as far as getting married and having a family, is that my comedy is so important to me. So I don’t know if I’ll ever be as good a dad as my dad.

Jealousy is both reasonable and belongs to reasonable men, while envy is base and belongs to the base, for the one makes himself get good things by jealousy, while the other does not allow his neighbour to have them through envy.

Sarcasm: the last refuge of modest and chaste-souled people when the privacy of their soul is coarsely and intrusively invaded.

I can’t go out with a Republican.

Grief can take care if itself, but to get the full value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with.

Friendship increases in visiting friends, but in visiting them seldom.

There is no subject on which more dangerous nonsense is talked and thought than marriage.

I really want to love somebody. I do. I just don’t know if it’s possible forever and ever.

Most people wouldn’t know music if it came up and bit them on the ass.

You know how big love is? Love is big. love can hold anger; love can even hold hatred.

You might be the funniest guy in the world, but if you don’t have anything to talk about, people are eventually going to gravitate towards the guy that’s actually saying something.

As soon go kindle fire with snow, as seek to quench the fire of love with words.

The intelligent man finds almost everything ridiculous, the sensible man hardly anything.

You make ‚em, I amuse ‚em.

Test a servant while in the discharge of his duty, a relative in difficulty, a friend in adversity, and a wife in misfortune.

Who, being loved, is poor?

I remember the first time I heard a teenager say ‚LOL.‘ Just what? But it means ‚laugh.‘ Why don’t you just laugh? What are you doing?

I have more friends in New York than Paris.

I’ve laid my friends bare.

Crankiness is at the essence of all comedy. My wife and I were discussing the different types of cranky. There’s entertaining cranky, annoying cranky, angry cranky.

True friends stab you in the front.

Complaining is dangerous business. It can damage or even destroy your relationship with God, your relationships with other people, and even with your relationship with yourself.

Wit is the lowest form of humor.

I’ve done a lot of things I’m not proud of, such as getting my girlfriend pregnant when I was 23 and the way I handled that.

I am at peace with God. My conflict is with Man.

Although a skillful flatterer is a most delightful companion if you have him all to yourself, his taste becomes very doubtful when he takes to complimenting other people.

We’re a phenomenally snobby society, and it’s such a rich seam. The middle class is so funny: it’s the class I know best, and it’s the class where you find the most pretension, so that’s what makes the middle classes so funny.

The correlative to loving our neighbors as ourselves is hating ourselves as we hate our neighbors.

A happy family is but an earlier heaven.

One is loved because one is loved. No reason is needed for loving.

Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

Exaggeration is a blood relation to falsehood and nearly as blamable.

I often look ridiculous in Japan. There’s really no way to eat in Japan, particularly kaiseki in a traditional ryokan, without offending the Japanese horribly. Every gesture, every movement is just so atrociously wrong, and the more I try, the more hilarious it is.

Love is a trap. When it appears, we see only its light, not its shadows.

I have found that no exertion of the legs can bring two minds much nearer to one another.

Men get to be a mixture of the charming mannerisms of the women they have known.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

The more successful I become, the more I need a man.

If you wished to be loved, love.

It is plain indeed that in spite of later estrangement Hobbits are relatives of ours: far nearer to us than Elves, or even than Dwarves. Of old they spoke the languages of Men, after their own fashion, and liked and disliked much the same things as Men did. But what exactly our relationship is can no longer be discovered.

Family quarrels are bitter things. They don’t go according to any rules. They’re not like aches or wounds, they’re more like splits in the skin that won’t heal because there’s not enough material.

When I die, I’m gonna leave my body to science fiction.

You can’t be in love with a Google search.

Here’s what I’ve learned about deal-breakers. If you have enough natural chemistry with someone, you overlook every single thing that you said would break the deal.

There are always people always asking you for something. But I feel like I have a foundation. I have a supporting cast where it doesn’t bother me too much.

If I get married, I want to be very married.

A deep sense of love and belonging is an irreducible need of all people. We are biologically, cognitively, physically, and spiritually wired to love, to be loved, and to belong. When those needs are not met, we don’t function as we were meant to. We break. We fall apart. We numb. We ache. We hurt others. We get sick.

Love one another, but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.

Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.

I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.

The drama and the trauma of the relationship you have when you’re 16 can mirror the one you have when you’re 26. Life repeats itself.

The world has grown suspicious of anything that looks like a happily married life.