Cut out all these exclamation points. An exclamation point is like laughing at your own joke.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

I am a sinner. This is the most accurate definition. It is not a figure of speech, a literary genre. I am a sinner.

Nothing is at last sacred but the integrity of your own mind.

You are only afraid if you are not in harmony with yourself. People are afraid because they have never owned up to themselves.

Tell me what you like and I’ll tell you what you are.

A person who can’t pay gets another person who can’t pay to guarantee that he can pay. Like a person with two wooden legs getting another person with two wooden legs to guarantee that he has got two natural legs. It don’t make either of them able to do a walking-match.

I am what time, circumstance, history, have made of me, certainly, but I am also, much more than that. So are we all.

When you’re in hell, you forget how great you really are because you’re suffering and you forget the great things you’ve done.

As the poet said, ‚Only God can make a tree,‘ probably because it’s so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

In the stillness of your presence, you can feel your own formless and timeless reality as the unmanifested life that animates your physical form. You can then feel the same life deep within every other human and every other creature. You look beyond the veil of form and separation. This is the realization of oneness. This is love.

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn’t pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

A good laugh is sunshine in the house.

My number one thing? Don’t overleverage yourself. Don’t say you can do something when you really can’t.

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you’re in the wrong house, that’s what it means.

Never be lucid, never state, if you would be regarded great.

She’s been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

The greatest enemy of any one of our truths may be the rest of our truths.

If you do not tell the truth about yourself you cannot tell it about other people.

Wit is the lowest form of humor.

As human beings, our greatness lies not so much in being able to remake the world – that is the myth of the atomic age – as in being able to remake ourselves.

In the child, consciousness rises out of the depths of unconscious psychic life, at first like separate islands, which gradually unite to form a ‚continent,‘ a continuous landmass of consciousness. Progressive mental development means, in effect, extension of consciousness.

It’s easy to forget who you are.

I’ve noticed a terrible thing, which is I will agree to anything if it’s far enough in the future.

My only fault is that I don’t realize how great I really am.

It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.

Your timeless self does not age and has no fear of the future. Contemplate your physical self and all its possessions, and practice laughing peacefully at it all.

We’re one of the only animals in the world that don’t really think of ourselves as animals, but we are animals, and we must respect our fellow animals.

I know I do not exaggerate, unconsciously and unintentionally, the scantiness of my resources and the difficulty of my life… I know that, but for the mercy of God, I might easily have been, for any care that was taken of me, a little robber or a vagabond.

Some people talk in their sleep. Lecturers talk while other people sleep.

Experience does not err. Only your judgments err by expecting from her what is not in her power.

It is in self-limitation that a master first shows himself.

My public is growing up just as I am. After all, I’m not 19 anymore and if I stick with the sex bit, who will be paying to see me when I’m 50?

I laugh all the time – at things, people, stuff, whatever. But, I don’t laugh onstage because then it’s serious business.

Deep down, I know I have this intuition or instinct that a lot of creative people have, that their demons are also what make them create.

The truth doesn’t hurt unless it ought to.

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.

People seem not to see that their opinion of the world is also a confession of character.

I have never felt more confident in myself, more clear on who I am as a woman. But I am constantly thinking about my own health and making sure that I’m eating right and getting exercise and watching the aches and pains. I want to be this really fly 80-90-year old.

I had no talent for science. What was infinitely worse: all my fraternity brothers were engineers.

You will not be punished for your anger, you will be punished by your anger.

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.

That is why, no matter how desperate the predicament is, I am always very much in earnest about clutching my cane, straightening my derby hat and fixing my tie, even though I have just landed on my head.

I’m not very ambitious at all.

We are in a far better position to observe instincts in animals or in primitives than in ourselves. This is due to the fact that we have grown accustomed to scrutinizing our own actions and to seeking rational explanations for them.

Talk to a man about himself and he will listen for hours.

What is written without effort is in general read without pleasure.

The only tyrant I accept in this world is the still voice within.

Much of your pain is the bitter potion by which the physician within you heals your sick self.

Play not with paradoxes. That caustic which you handle in order to scorch others may happen to sear your own fingers and make them dead to the quality of things.

When you realize who you live for, and who’s important to please, a lot of people will actually start living. I am never going to get caught up in that. I’m gonna look back on my life and say that I enjoyed it – and I lived it for me.

When you are spiritually connected, you are not looking for occasions to be offended, and you are not judging and labeling others. You are in a state of grace in which you know you are connected to God and thus free from the effects of anyone or anything external to yourself.

Somebody’s boring me. I think it’s me.

My goal was never to make Facebook cool. I am not a cool person.

I used to get the feeling, and sometimes I still get it, that sometimes I was fooling somebody; I don’t know who or what, maybe myself.

I was extremely lucky that I had two great wives. It sounds a bit funny to say that, but it’s absolutely true.

We think too much and feel too little.

‚Educational‘ refers to the process, not the object. Although, come to think of it, some of my teachers could easily have been replaced by a cheeseburger.

The big question about how people behave is whether they’ve got an Inner Scorecard or an Outer Scorecard. It helps if you can be satisfied with an Inner Scorecard.

I find with most of my readers are kind of like me, sort of people who were a little bit naive in life and then learned the hard way that this is what’s going on, the political games and most of my readers write to me telling me that the book helped them open their eyes to what other people are doing to them.