Crankiness is at the essence of all comedy. My wife and I were discussing the different types of cranky. There’s entertaining cranky, annoying cranky, angry cranky.

I had a lovers quarrel with the world.

I think music is something that can, and should, be used to get you into different things because eventually what goes up must come down – we’re not going to be the number one group in the world forever – so you have to have something else to fall back on.

I don’t watch television and I rarely go to the cinema, but I recently watched ‚The King’s Speech‘ on a flight. It was so beautiful and so simple.

Context and memory play powerful roles in all the truly great meals in one’s life.

The correlative to loving our neighbors as ourselves is hating ourselves as we hate our neighbors.

Love is the only game that is not called on account of darkness.

Humor has bailed me out of more tight situations than I can think of. If you go with your instincts and keep your humor, creativity follows. With luck, success comes, too.

One who deceives will always find those who allow themselves to be deceived.

Sadness is but a wall between two gardens.

I’m so old, I don’t buy green bananas any more.

I really believed that fear is contagious.

Flattery corrupts both the receiver and the giver.

I would rather entertain and hope that people learned something than educate people and hope they were entertained.

I’m a meathead, man. You’ve got smart people, and you’ve got dumb people. I just happen to be dumb.

In comedy, my strengths are improvisation.

Good humor is one of the best articles of dress one can wear in society.

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it’s feet first!

My absolute favourite piece of information is the fact that young sloths are so inept that they frequently grab their own arms and legs instead of tree limbs, and fall out of trees.

Treat your kid like a darling for the first five years. For the next five years, scold them. By the time they turn sixteen, treat them like a friend. Your grown up children are your best friends.

There is always something ridiculous about the emotions of people whom one has ceased to love.

Work is the curse of the drinking classes.

Isn’t it funny how babies laugh a lot? I read a toddler, a young child laughs 300 times a day. The average adult laughs, like, four times a day. God put it in them. He put the laugh in us, but I think sometimes we let life get us down, you know, have bad breaks, and we lose our breaks.

Why are women… so much more interesting to men than men are to women?

Marriage is good enough for the lower classes: they have facilities for desertion that are denied to us.

Never marry someone in hope that they’ll change later.

There is no love of life without despair of life.

So, I’m lying on the couch and Laura walks in and I say, ‚Free at last,‘ and she says ‚You’re free all right, you’re free to do the dishes.‘ So I say, ‚You’re talking to the former president, baby,‘ and she said, ‚consider this your new domestic policy agenda.‘

When you’re in comedy, people always come up and say, ‚Oh, it must be so hard.‘ It really isn’t hard unless you’re not good at it. If you can do it, its really kind of fun and easy.

A lot of Jews are great friends of mine.

When I jumped off a roof in Cannes in a bee costume, I looked ridiculous. But this is my business; I have to humiliate myself.

That’s the one for my tombstone… Here lies David Byrne. Why the big suit?

Since I was 16, I’ve felt a black cloud hangs over me.

The uncertainty of parenting can bring up feelings in us that range from frustration to terror.

The joys of parents are secret, and so are their grieves and fears.

There’s only one thing that can kill the movies, and that’s education.

I desire no future that will break the ties with the past.

Often we can help each other most by leaving each other alone; at other times we need the hand-grasp and the word of cheer.

Football is a sad game.

I don’t think it’s possible to have a sense of tragedy without having a sense of humor.

In memory everything seems to happen to music.

A lot of critics object to what I do, but I got into comedy to make people laugh, and I’ve always worked hard.

I can be jubilant one moment and pensive the next, and a cloud could go by and make that happen.

All my stepchildren carried the burden of my fame. Sometimes they would read terrible things about me, and I’d worry about whether it would hurt them. I would tell them: ‚Don’t hide these things from me. I’d rather you ask me these things straight out, and I’ll answer all your questions.‘

I mean, I feel like you get more bees with honey. But that doesn’t mean I don’t get frustrated in my life.

I’ve missed out on a lot of things, going out with friends.

In every parting there is an image of death.

Nothing feels better than going onstage and everybody is singing every word – and actually wanting to see you.

Whenever a husband and wife begin to discuss their marriage they are giving evidence at a coroner’s inquest.

Hatred is active, and envy passive dislike; there is but one step from envy to hate.

If you cry over a guy, then your friends can’t date him. It can’t even be considered.

I love people who make me laugh. I honestly think it’s the thing I like most, to laugh. It cures a multitude of ills. It’s probably the most important thing in a person.

Few friendships would survive if each one knew what his friend says of him behind his back.

The more successful I become, the more I need a man.

When people get married young, you don’t really understand the true definition of marriage.

Friendship improves happiness and abates misery, by the doubling of our joy and the dividing of our grief.

Never contract friendship with a man that is not better than thyself.

I’m a girls‘ girl. I have guy friends, but the problem with having guy friends is, like, I always get linked to them, and they’ll end up in a slideshow of people I’ve apparently dated on the Internet.

Anybody with a sense of humor is going to put on my album and laugh from beginning to end.

Many a good hanging prevents a bad marriage.

In all our contacts it is probably the sense of being really needed and wanted which gives us the greatest satisfaction and creates the most lasting bond.