Contrary to reports, this boy is not a billionaire or going to be richer than any Beatle… and not just in the sense of money, by the way; the Beatles are untouchable – those billionaire reports are a joke.

I don’t believe we are supposed to go through life defeated and not having enough money to pay our bills or send our kids to college.

My family didn’t have a lot of money, so I worked my heart out to get my degrees. But the minute I graduated, suddenly everyone was asking me, ‚Well, when are you going to get married and start having kids?‘ And the truth is I had no idea how I would balance the expected role of wife and mother with a challenging career.

I mean, I do think at a certain point you’ve made enough money.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

There is nothing in which people more betray their character than in what they laugh at.

Some sarcasm is best told simply.

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.

When you’re in comedy, people always come up and say, ‚Oh, it must be so hard.‘ It really isn’t hard unless you’re not good at it. If you can do it, its really kind of fun and easy.

Never injure a friend, even in jest.

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. That’s the funniest joke in the world.

Satire lies about literary men while they live and eulogy lies about them when they die.

What I like about the jokes, to me it’s a lot of logic, no matter how crazy they are. It has to make absolute sense, or it won’t be funny.

When the first big paycheque with ‚Dumb And Dumber‘ hit, I went: ‚Gosh, I wonder if this will affect my performance. Will I do a take and think, was that worth $7 million?‘ But that never happened. If anything, it made me rebel against that thing when people who get rich start playing it safe.

No one in this world, so far as I know – and I have searched the records for years, and employed agents to help me – has ever lost money by underestimating the intelligence of the great masses of the plain people.

I’d love to date somebody cool, fun, funny.

Jerry Ford is so dumb he can’t fart and chew gum at the same time.

A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday.

So, I’m lying on the couch and Laura walks in and I say, ‚Free at last,‘ and she says ‚You’re free all right, you’re free to do the dishes.‘ So I say, ‚You’re talking to the former president, baby,‘ and she said, ‚consider this your new domestic policy agenda.‘

Bayern want a decade of success like Barca. That’s OK if you have the money because it increases the possibility of success. But it’s not guaranteed.

The problem with socialism is that you eventually run out of other peoples‘ money.

A good laugh is sunshine in the house.

There’s something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after she’s only measured water in it.

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

An unemployed court jester is nobody’s fool.

So many guys are so conservative with their hair, and I always joke with all my buddies when they mess with me, and I’ll say, ‚That’s right, keep the same haircut for ten years.‘ How fun is that?

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it!

The Canteen Boy, the reason you feel bad for him and you can laugh is because he, and I guess a lot of my characters, they don’t notice they’re getting made fun of. So they’ll say something back that’s not that great a quip, but in their mind they won the argument.

You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.

Why don’t Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.

I don’t get up, get dressed, go out, and think, ‚Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.‘

What, sir, would the people of the earth be without woman? They would be scarce, sir, almighty scarce.

I am not gay, but if I were, I would be the first one running out of the closet.

Money has never made man happy, nor will it, there is nothing in its nature to produce happiness. The more of it one has the more one wants.

Prices are important not because money is considered paramount but because prices are a fast and effective conveyor of information through a vast society in which fragmented knowledge must be coordinated.

Since childhood, I’ve been a clown. I’ve always liked being very funny or trying to make people laugh. It’s my original self.

Money is kind of a base subject. Like water, food, air and housing, it affects everything yet for some reason the world of academics thinks it’s a subject below their social standing.

People who do not know how to laugh are always pompous and self-conceited.

You have a ready wit. Tell me when it’s ready.

Money and women are the most sought after and the least known about of any two things we have.

My absolute favourite piece of information is the fact that young sloths are so inept that they frequently grab their own arms and legs instead of tree limbs, and fall out of trees.

In my house I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.

There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.

I sing and play the guitar, and I’m a walking, talking bacterial infection.

We are often attracted to the wrong things, whether it be money, fame, or approval.

Money has a language of its own.

Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion. I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning up to do afterward.

You can’t reverse fame. You can lose all the money, but you’ll never lose people knowing you.

I make fun of situations and try and find the humor in things, but it’s never at the expense of the other guy.

I think it’s funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive.

God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board.

The money in politics is a cash cow for the media.

Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.

Don’t matter how much money you got, there’s only two kinds of people: there’s saved people and there’s lost people.

I laugh all the time – at things, people, stuff, whatever. But, I don’t laugh onstage because then it’s serious business.

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?

There used to be an old bad joke. I hope it’s not so much a good joke anymore. ‚Everybody’s from Scranton; no one’s in Scranton.‘

A little thought and a little kindness are often worth more than a great deal of money.