Comedy’s about opening up and being unique, but to a point where the audience can relate to what you’re saying.

I remember straightening my hair because I wanted to be like everybody else, and now the fact that anybody would emulate what I do? It’s just funny.

If you are not allowed to laugh in heaven, I don’t want to go there.

Why can’t I just eat my waffle?

I’m not denyin‘ the women are foolish. God Almighty made ‚em to match the men.

Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.

I almost laughed about the Machiavellian plans of the presidents of the United States.

Don’t be getting sloppy drunk and telling them dirty jokes.

This country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as when the baby gets hold of a hammer.

No one is laughable who laughs at himself.

Nothing shows a man’s character more than what he laughs at.

Some people talk in their sleep. Lecturers talk while other people sleep.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‚Where’s the self-help section?‘ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

It’s a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I’d be a drag queen.

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he’s Frank and in Chicago he’s Ernest.

Are you laboring under the impression that I read these memoranda of yours? I can’t even lift them.

You can’t trample infidels when you’re a tortoise. I mean, all you could do is give them a meaningful look.

Yes, I’m always – I’m always surprised when you make a film and you live with it a while and you put it out, you never dream that anybody is ever going to want to really see it.

I did stand-up, weird and ignorant stuff about my career – anything for a laugh.

Obama’s not Jesus. He can’t walk on water.

Good humor is one of the best articles of dress one can wear in society.

Frazier is so ugly that he should donate his face to the U.S. Bureau of Wild Life.

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it’s feet first!

I started in action, and then I went to comedy school.

Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion. I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning up to do afterward.

Against the assault of laughter, nothing can stand.

I’m sure we, the American people, are the butt of jokes by those in power.

Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won’t die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn’t have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn’t want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream.

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.

I sing and play the guitar, and I’m a walking, talking bacterial infection.

Well, Howard Stern has been doing his impression of me for years. It doesn’t really bother me.

A man’s only as old as the woman he feels.

God is a comedian, playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.

Stand-up is hard.

It’s true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance?

I know I’m more on television, and I’m more recognisable than maybe even the players because they run and train, but I just stand there, and my face does all these funny things that everyone can see all the time.

It’s a funny old world.

All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

I’ve done a great job at being universal in my stand-up, which is why, for ‚Let Me Explain,‘ I toured all over the world. These movies I have coming out – ‚Ride Along,‘ ‚Grudge Match,‘ ‚About Last Night,‘ ‚Think Like a Man Too‘ – are putting me in a position to become universal on an even bigger scale.

I don’t think about who the audience is for my books.

When you’re singing you can hear the echo of people in the audience singing every single word with you, and that was that big dream that I had for myself. It’s happening.

I should be a postage stamp, because that’s the only way I’ll ever get licked. I’m beautiful. I’m fast. I’m so mean I make medicine sick. I can’t possibly be beat.

‚Discworld‘ is taking something that you know is ridiculous and treating it as if it is serious, to see if something interesting happens when you do so.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

The nice thing about being a celebrity is that, if you bore people, they think it’s their fault.

I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.

We must laugh at man to avoid crying for him.

Homework’s hard. Especially math. My kids joke with me. They tell me they have homework. I say, ‚Okay.‘ And then I sit down and they say, ‚It’s math.‘ ‚No! Not math! English, history, anything!‘

Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.

If I am not allowed to laugh in heaven, I don’t want to go there.

I didn’t want to be selling insurance at 40, wondering what would it have been like to do stand-up.

My success comes in making fun of whatever you’re doing. That’s my way.

I’m a big believer than a great bit is a great bit – if I go and see someone I love, like Robert Klein. I want to hear some classics and some new stuff. But a great stand-up bit takes a long time to really polish and perfect, and they’re beautiful things when they’re done.

No man goes before his time – unless the boss leaves early.

But I did ‚Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure.‘ They made a cereal out of it, so once you’ve had a cereal, it doesn’t get much more surreal than that. Surreal cereal.

Contrary to reports, this boy is not a billionaire or going to be richer than any Beatle… and not just in the sense of money, by the way; the Beatles are untouchable – those billionaire reports are a joke.

I won’t do something unless I can get at least two or three good laughs out of it. If I can’t, it’s not gonna make the team.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.