Colleges are like old-age homes, except for the fact that more people die in colleges.

Humor has bailed me out of more tight situations than I can think of. If you go with your instincts and keep your humor, creativity follows. With luck, success comes, too.

In this world of sin and sorrow there is always something to be thankful for; as for me, I rejoice that I am not a Republican.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Humor is reason gone mad.

Man the individual consoles himself for his passing with the thought of the offspring or the works which he leaves behind.

I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o’clock.

The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it’s so much fun.

Most nations, as well as people are impossible only in their youth; they become incorrigible as they grow older.

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.

He who would pass his declining years with honor and comfort, should, when young, consider that he may one day become old, and remember when he is old, that he has once been young.

Death to me means nothing as long as I can die fast.

My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‚All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.‘

Never get married in college; it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one mistake.

An alcoholic is someone you don’t like who drinks as much as you do.

If you look at me close enough, there’s a small resemblance to a chicken nugget. I don’t know if it’s my skin texture or my hair, but the resemblance is definitely there.

Most women in my family start to get sick and start dying in their 40s, and I am going to be very happy to become 50 and 60. I love getting older.

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

The deep, personal material of the latter half of your life is your children. You can write about your parents when they’re gone, but your children are still going to be here, and you’re going to want them to come and visit you in the nursing home.

For me, it’s a purity thing about the joke itself. It’s a test of a joke whether or not you do it completely clean and it works. If it does, then that’s a legitimate item you have there. For me, it’s nothing to do with finding those words offensive. It’s just not what I’m in search of. Do it clean, and you are really earning that laugh.

Why would anyone steal a shopping cart? It’s like stealing a two-year-old.

Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself.

‚Educational‘ refers to the process, not the object. Although, come to think of it, some of my teachers could easily have been replaced by a cheeseburger.

If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.

Apple’s market share is bigger than BMW’s or Mercedes’s or Porsche’s in the automotive market. What’s wrong with being BMW or Mercedes?

Despise not death, but welcome it, for nature wills it like all else.

The brain is wider than the sky.

For me, the way I stay consistent is through stand-up comedy.

Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

Can a mortal ask questions which God finds unanswerable? Quite easily, I should think. All nonsense questions are unanswerable.

I’m so old, I don’t buy green bananas any more.

The intelligent man finds almost everything ridiculous, the sensible man hardly anything.

Nature gives you the face you have at twenty; it is up to you to merit the face you have at fifty.

It is always consoling to think of suicide: in that way one gets through many a bad night.

If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.

Praise undeserved, is satire in disguise.

What, sir, would the people of the earth be without woman? They would be scarce, sir, almighty scarce.

People get a kick out of my stupidity.

All diseases run into one, old age.

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.

Mine is better than ours.

No one is laughable who laughs at himself.

Dying is a wild night and a new road.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

True humor springs not more from the head than from the heart. It is not contempt; its essence is love. It issues not in laughter, but in still smiles, which lie far deeper.

My neighbor has a circular driveway… he can’t get out.

It is often said that before you die your life passes before your eyes. It is in fact true. It’s called living.

The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.

You have a ready wit. Tell me when it’s ready.

Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

I remember the first time I heard a teenager say ‚LOL.‘ Just what? But it means ‚laugh.‘ Why don’t you just laugh? What are you doing?

We all die, we all get sick, we all feel hunger and lust and pain, and therefore human life is consistent from one generation to the other. We all – most of us, anyway – want connections with other people and spend our lives looking for them.

It is the superfluous things for which men sweat, – superfluous things that wear our togas theadbare, that force us to grow old in camp, that dash us upon foreign shores.

I don’t think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.

Except during the nine months before he draws his first breath, no man manages his affairs as well as a tree does.

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with Guess on it. I said, Thyroid problem?

A vacuum is a hell of a lot better than some of the stuff that nature replaces it with.

Some sarcasm is best told simply.

Cut out all these exclamation points. An exclamation point is like laughing at your own joke.

In Beverly Hills… they don’t throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.