Chris Rock does the political thing really well, but that never worked for me.

Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.

Why, except as a means of livelihood, a man should desire to act on the stage when he has the whole world to act in, is not clear to me.

Movies are a fad. Audiences really want to see live actors on a stage.

Dreaming about being an actress, is more exciting then being one.

It’s a funny old world.

Wrestling was like stand-up comedy for me.

I don’t make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.

People may think I’m trying something new by telling stories, but they’re just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That’s what I do.

Movies are fun, but they are no cure for cancer.

The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.

I’ve been doing comedy longer than I haven’t been doing comedy, as I was performing for three years before I even got on ‚The Tonight Show.‘ There’s truly nothing like it; it’s intense and exhilarating, even though it looks so casual.

I would like to take you seriously, but to do so would be an affront to your intelligence.

When things get so absurd and so stupid and so ridiculous that you just can’t bear it, you cannot help but turn everything into a joke.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I’ll never know.

In Beverly Hills… they don’t throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.

For me, it’s a purity thing about the joke itself. It’s a test of a joke whether or not you do it completely clean and it works. If it does, then that’s a legitimate item you have there. For me, it’s nothing to do with finding those words offensive. It’s just not what I’m in search of. Do it clean, and you are really earning that laugh.

You think I’m going to ask these sweet 14 year olds to ask their parents to buy a $100 ticket then run around in latex and lip sync? No way.

Kids end up seeing my movies anyway but some of the mothers get mad at me so I figured I’d make one that I can’t get yelled at for.

I never listen to the radio unless I rent a car.

When Jerry Springer thinks you’ve gone too far, my friends, you have gone too far.

Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

If you make any money, the government shoves you in the creek once a year with it in your pockets, and all that don’t get wet you can keep.

My husband calls me ‚catfish.‘ He says I’m all mouth and no brains.

I kind of thought that stand-up comedy would suffer from the Internet because people seem to know more about the craft of stand-up than ever before. I thought it would seem trite. Kind of like if you know more about magicians, you wouldn’t love them.

I’ve always wanted to do a family movie.

Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else.

My shows are not narratives.

Everybody loved ‚The A-Team‘ because it was entertainment, pure and simple.

I’ve just had eighteen straight whiskies. I think that’s the record.

I’ve been thinking of humorous things since I was… I can’t remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high, all the way through high school, through college and after college, I was thinking of the same kinds of things that I say in front of an audience now.

My music is a luxury.

I have a very strict gun control policy: if there’s a gun around, I want to be in control of it.

I’m so old, I don’t buy green bananas any more.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.

A serious writer is not to be confounded with a solemn writer. A serious writer may be a hawk or a buzzard or even a popinjay, but a solemn writer is always a bloody owl.

I think the thing we see is that as people are using video games more, they tend to watch passive TV a bit less. And so using the PC for the Internet, playing video games, is starting to cut into the rather unbelievable amount of time people spend watching TV.

Perhaps, as some wit remarked, the best proof that there is Intelligent Life in Outer Space is the fact it hasn’t come here. Well, it can’t hide forever – one day we will overhear it.

I like a drama.

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.

Stand-up can take you in so many different places, man. So many doors can be opened up from stand-up comedy, and the first one that was opened up for me was acting.

An alcoholic is someone you don’t like who drinks as much as you do.

I tell you, we are here on Earth to fart around, and don’t let anybody tell you different.

Those movies sure got me into a rut.

Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother.

I am a dangerous man when turned loose with a typewriter.

It’s sometimes comical to hear the younger generation ask their peers to repeat themselves.

The first of April is the day we remember what we are the other 364 days of the year.

My daughter doesn’t even get my humor. She’s like, ‚Um, no. I don’t get it, Dad. Mmm, no, not that one, Dad.‘

Why would anyone steal a shopping cart? It’s like stealing a two-year-old.

We must laugh at man to avoid crying for him.

There was a time when people said, ‚Jim, if you keep on making faces, your face will freeze like that.‘ Now they just say, ‚Pay him!‘

Comedy’s about opening up and being unique, but to a point where the audience can relate to what you’re saying.

I just think it’s so important not to take yourself too seriously.

I don’t like magic – but I have been known to make guys disappear.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they’re eating sandwiches.

If one morning I walked on top of the water across the Potomac River, the headline that afternoon would read: ‚President Can’t Swim.‘

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.

God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board.