But, you know, it’s still a drag to get your picture taken when you’re eating a sandwich. It’s a downer.

Food is everything we are. It’s an extension of nationalist feeling, ethnic feeling, your personal history, your province, your region, your tribe, your grandma. It’s inseparable from those from the get-go.

I’ve got a great sense of humor.

Of course, animals have to be killed for food or to prevent their doing injury to others or to property. But such killing is too often carried out without regard to the pain inflicted.

When I die, I’m gonna leave my body to science fiction.

I don’t feel that I’m explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I’m not trying to be a mirror, showing them what’s really going on the world. All I’m trying to do is think of stuff that’s funny, just like when I’m kidding around with my friends.

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

You know, crankiness is at the essence of all comedy.

What nicer thing can you do for somebody than make them breakfast?

If at first you don’t succeed… so much for skydiving.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

Oh yes, there’s lots of great food in America. But the fast food is about as destructive and evil as it gets. It celebrates a mentality of sloth, convenience, and a cheerful embrace of food we know is hurting us.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

Everything is changing. People are taking their comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.

Most of the time I don’t have much fun. The rest of the time I don’t have any fun at all.

Nothing shows a man’s character more than what he laughs at.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

If all the economists were laid end to end, they’d never reach a conclusion.

I’m so old, I don’t buy green bananas any more.

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

I don’t know why women want any of the things men have when one of the things that women have is men.

In New York I pretty much live in diners – I order French Fries, Diet Coke floats and lots of coffee.

There’s nothing like white trash at the White House.

I mean, families are weird.

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution?

Microsoft Research has a thing called the Sense Cam that, as you walk around, it’s taking photos all the time. And the software will filter and find the ones that are interesting without having to think, ‚Let’s get out the camera and get that shot.‘ You just have that, and software helps you pick what you want.

If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.

Eight years involved with the nuclear industry have taught me that when nothing can possible go wrong and every avenue has been covered, then is the time to buy a house on the next continent.

A lot of times, you could play me just the laughs from my set, and I could tell you, from the laugh, what the joke was. Because they match.

Government is like a baby. An alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other.

I couldn’t take pictures of green rolling hills.

I was the first woman to burn my bra – it took the fire department four days to put it out.

I’ll tell you one thing, since I’m married, single people look absolutely ridiculous to me.

Why would anyone steal a shopping cart? It’s like stealing a two-year-old.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

Everybody has their thing they like or don’t like to see. It’s all in your head. That’s why people take their own pictures, because it’s difficult for someone else to capture what you seek.

At my advanced age – I’m now an octogenarian – I’m constantly amazed by the number of people who want to take my picture.

Jesus lived a life that was full of joy and contradictions and fights, you know? If they were to paint a picture of Jesus without contradictions, the gospels would be fake, but the contradictions are a sign of authenticity.

Objects in pictures should so be arranged as by their very position to tell their own story.

I really wanted to be a model when I was little. I loved photography, and I loved being on camera. But I was short and chubby, so I couldn’t. Anyway, being an artist is way more interesting than just being a model because it’s about you and what you want to be. You’re not being treated like a clothes hanger.

Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else.

Steak and Shake in Indianapolis is definitely the first stop when we hit that city.

The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course.

Nobody enjoys the ‚little show about nothing‘ humor more than me, but that is never the way I look at it.

Tokyo would probably be the foreign city if I had to eat one city’s food for the rest of my life, every day. It would have to be Tokyo, and I think the majority of chefs you ask that question would answer the same way.

If Everton were playing down the bottom of my garden, I’d draw the curtains.

No man goes before his time – unless the boss leaves early.

I won’t belong to any organization that would have me as a member.

I do all my own stunts. I’m kidding.

To eat is to appropriate by destruction.

I sing and play the guitar, and I’m a walking, talking bacterial infection.

You’d have a hard time finding anything better than Barcelona for food, as far as being a hub. Given a choice between Barcelona and San Sebastian to die in, I’d probably want to die in San Sebastian.

There is nothing in which people more betray their character than in what they laugh at.

I don’t like magic – but I have been known to make guys disappear.

Nothing would be more tiresome than eating and drinking if God had not made them a pleasure as well as a necessity.

Praise undeserved, is satire in disguise.

It is the test of a good religion whether you can joke about it.

Is everything funny? For me, yes. There’s a positive to every negative. Even my divorce? For me, yes. If you go back and look at it, why it happened or how it happened, there’s something in there that’ll make you laugh.

I’ve got the brain of a four year old. I’ll bet he was glad to be rid of it.