But there are advantages to being elected President. The day after I was elected, I had my high school grades classified Top Secret.

Cut out all these exclamation points. An exclamation point is like laughing at your own joke.

I would put our legislative and foreign policy accomplishments in our first two years against any president – with the possible exceptions of Johnson, FDR, and Lincoln – just in terms of what we’ve gotten done in modern history. But, you know, but when it comes to the economy, we’ve got a lot more work to do. And we’re gonna keep on at it.

People tend to think that because I’m a performer and I don’t go to a regular high school that I haven’t personally been affected by bullies. But it’s actually quite the contrary.

MySpace is my wife… Facebook is my mistress.

I’m asking myself, ‚What do my girls, what do all our children deserve in their president? What kind of a president do we want for them?‘ Well, to start with, I think we want someone who is a unifying force in this country: someone who sees our differences not as a threat, but as a blessing.

Gray Davis can run a dirty campaign better than anyone, but he can’t run a state.

How many legs does a dog have if you call his tail a leg? Four. Saying that a tail is a leg doesn’t make it a leg.

All of my friends who have younger siblings who are going to college or high school – my number one piece of advice is: You should learn how to program.

Hell is full of musical amateurs.

From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere.

Most of the time I don’t have much fun. The rest of the time I don’t have any fun at all.

All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.

I started wearing Ugg when I was, like, 13 or 14, in high school, and my mom got me a pair for Christmas one year.

Gentle dullness ever loves a joke.

The only advantage of not being too good a housekeeper is that your guests are so pleased to feel how very much better they are.

Romney and Ryan would do a much better job running the country, and that’s what everybody needs to know.

Any reviewer who expresses rage and loathing for a novel is preposterous. He or she is like a person who has put on full armor and attacked a hot fudge sundae.

An election is coming. Universal peace is declared, and the foxes have a sincere interest in prolonging the lives of the poultry.

Chris Rock does the political thing really well, but that never worked for me.

She’s been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.

You might be the funniest guy in the world, but if you don’t have anything to talk about, people are eventually going to gravitate towards the guy that’s actually saying something.

There’s nothing funnier than the human animal.

Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee, and I’ll forgive Thy great big joke on me.

If segregationists had their way, I would not be a member of the United States Senate today, I would not be a top contender to be president of the United States.

There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.

Eight years involved with the nuclear industry have taught me that when nothing can possible go wrong and every avenue has been covered, then is the time to buy a house on the next continent.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.

If my doctor told me I had only six minutes to live, I wouldn’t brood. I’d type a little faster.

For me, it’s a purity thing about the joke itself. It’s a test of a joke whether or not you do it completely clean and it works. If it does, then that’s a legitimate item you have there. For me, it’s nothing to do with finding those words offensive. It’s just not what I’m in search of. Do it clean, and you are really earning that laugh.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

If a politician found he had cannibals among his constituents, he would promise them missionaries for dinner.

There’s many a man has more hair than wit.

I sing and play the guitar, and I’m a walking, talking bacterial infection.

I’m odd looking. Sometimes I think I look like a funny muppet.

I think that God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

I can die a happy man never having been president of the United States of America. But it doesn’t mean I won’t run.

Teach a parrot the terms ‚supply and demand‘ and you’ve got an economist.

It is not funny that anything else should fall down; only that a man should fall down. Why do we laugh? Because it is a gravely religious matter: it is the Fall of Man. Only man can be absurd: for only man can be dignified.

The French complain of everything, and always.

Whenever I say I made a record in the garage, people just assume that I have, like, a Lear jet parked in there or something. But really there’s old luggage, a couple of bikes. It’s big enough to put one minivan in. That’s it. No dartboard. I’m so not macho.

There is more of good nature than of good sense at the bottom of most marriages.

If you check your ego at the door when it comes to comedy, you’ve got a pretty good shot at making a great movie that you can commit yourself to, you can jump off the proverbial cliff with, and have a great time, and the audiences respond to that.

I know some of the best Dolly Parton jokes. I made ‚em up myself.

I remember straightening my hair because I wanted to be like everybody else, and now the fact that anybody would emulate what I do? It’s just funny.

The events of October 1962 are widely hailed as Kennedy’s finest hour.

Being a good husband is like being a good stand-up comic – you need ten years before you can even call yourself a beginner.

I would never win an award for not loving pizza.

I’m always amazed that people take what I say seriously. I don’t even take what I am seriously.

Humor is mankind’s greatest blessing.

What, sir, would the people of the earth be without woman? They would be scarce, sir, almighty scarce.

There is but one way for a president to deal with Congress, and that is continuously, incessantly, and without interruption. If it is really going to work, the relationship has got to be almost incestuous.

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

If we weren’t all crazy, we’d just go insane.

I love people who make me laugh. I honestly think it’s the thing I like most, to laugh. It cures a multitude of ills. It’s probably the most important thing in a person.

My goal is to make everyone and anyone a Kevin Hart fan.

There’s different kinds of laughs. It’s like a baseball lineup: this guy’s your power hitter, this guy gets on base, this guy works out walks. If everybody does their job, we’re gonna win.

The man with the best job in the country is the vice-president. All he has to do is get up every morning and say, ‚How is the president?‘

The government, whether state or central, is elected. That means we have a responsibility to elect the right kind of leaders.