Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.

Plain women know more about men than beautiful women do.

If all the economists were laid end to end, they’d never reach a conclusion.

I haven’t had that one great love, which is good. I don’t want that to be in the past – I want it to be in the future.

It always seems odd to me that the fundamental laws of physics, when discovered, can appear in so many different forms that are not apparently identical at first, but, with a little mathematical fiddling, you can show the relationship.

There was once a caustic comment from someone suggesting I was breeding a new race. Fans from different countries have married, amazing things like that. I’ve been to some of the weddings. I went to one here the other day, a pagan ceremony.

For years my wedding ring has done its job. It has led me not into temptation. It has reminded my husband numerous times at parties that it’s time to go home. It has been a source of relief to a dinner companion. It has been a status symbol in the maternity ward.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and I’m here to help.

If you get down and quarell everyday, you’re saying prayers to the devil, I say.

Since the very beginning, Emeril’s had a sense of humor about me calling him names and poking fun at him.

There are slavish souls who carry their appreciation for favors done them so far that they strangle themselves with the rope of gratitude.

Dividers seek to make themselves look or feel better by making others feel worse. They damage relationships, fracture teams and organizations, and create havoc in people’s lives.

I may neither choose who I would, nor refuse who I dislike; so is the will of a living daughter curbed by the will of a dead father.

There is a rumour going around that I have found God. I think this is unlikely because I have enough difficulty finding my keys, and there is empirical evidence that they exist.

Trying to meet new women, it’s always a little more difficult as opposed to calling somebody I knew that’s single and trying to rebuild that connection.

In the Western Church to which I belong, priests cannot be married as in the Byzantine, Ukrainian, Russian or Greek Catholic Churches. In those churches, the priests can be married, but the bishops have to be celibate. They are very good priests.

I hate to be smart.

Love is not love that alters when it alteration finds.

When we quarrel, how we wish we had been blameless.

I used to take my short stories to girls‘ homes and read them to them. Can you imagine the reaction reading a short story to a girl instead of pawing her?

There was one incident at a movie theater where my girl got mad at these guys who were talking behind us. I never looked back there, but she was like, ‚Will you all just shut up!‘ And I just got up and moved three rows in front. She was like, ‚What are you doing?!‘ I was like, ‚You better get up here! I don’t play the fighting games.‘

A lot of truth is said in jest.

I’m not denyin‘ the women are foolish. God Almighty made ‚em to match the men.

We never love a person, but only qualities.

Life’s too short to hang out with people who aren’t resourceful.

Waking up every day and loving someone who may or may not love us back, whose safety we can’t ensure, who may stay in our lives or may leave without a moment’s notice, who may be loyal to the day they die or betray us tomorrow – that’s vulnerability.

I never fall in love.

Adultery is the application of democracy to love.

We do not know what love is. We know the symptoms of it, the pleasure, the pain, the fear, the anxiety and so on. We try to solve the symptoms, which becomes a wandering in darkness. We spend our days and nights in this, and it is soon over in death.

Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.

Men and women do think differently, and frankly, we don’t understand each other. Not at all! But that’s what makes relationships so amazing.

The nice thing about being a celebrity is that, if you bore people, they think it’s their fault.

It’s hard for anybody who’s been with me not to feel starved for affection when I’m making love to my ideas. Maybe it’s not meant for me to settle down and be married.

There is no more lovely, friendly and charming relationship, communion or company than a good marriage.

When people get married young, you don’t really understand the true definition of marriage.

I’ve been thinking of humorous things since I was… I can’t remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high, all the way through high school, through college and after college, I was thinking of the same kinds of things that I say in front of an audience now.

I definitely don’t think that money can buy you love. It can buy you affection but certainly not love.

Against the assault of laughter, nothing can stand.

Distance does not decide who is your brother and who is not. The church is going to have to become the conscience of the free market if it’s to have any meaning in this world – and stop being its apologist.

I don’t think comedy will ever die.

I think women love very hard. We love men. We just love with everything we have. And sometimes, I don’t know that that love is met with the type of dignity that we wish it would be met with.

Some people go to priests; others to poetry; I to my friends.

There is just no comparison between having a dinner date with a man and staying home playing canasta with the girls.

I never wanted to weigh more heavily on a man than a bird.

We have to distrust each other. It is our only defense against betrayal.

My wife doesn’t even want to spend 2 hours with me.

Humor has justly been regarded as the finest perfection of poetic genius.

Obama’s not Jesus. He can’t walk on water.

Every man needs slaves like he needs clean air. To rule is to breathe, is it not? And even the most disenfranchised get to breathe. The lowest on the social scale have their spouses or their children.

I wasn’t going to shy away from getting married when I did and having a baby young and starting a family, even with the job that I chose.

So many guys are so conservative with their hair, and I always joke with all my buddies when they mess with me, and I’ll say, ‚That’s right, keep the same haircut for ten years.‘ How fun is that?

So live with men as if God saw you and speak to God, as if men heard you.

I particularly like Twitter, because it’s short and can be very funny and informative. It’s a little bit like having your own radio program.

A lot of the time when I write about the person that I love, I feel like I’m writing about New York.

When I’m being funny, I try not to offend. I don’t think much of what I’ve done has been in really ghastly taste. I don’t think I have embarrassed many people or distressed them.

One of the most beautiful qualities of true friendship is to understand and to be understood.

The funny thing is people won’t let me pay for things. I’ll be in a restaurant and the manager will say, ‚Oh no, it’s on the house.‘

Love is the wisdom of the fool and the folly of the wise.

Take my wife… Please!

A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday.

Country radio is much more like a family than any other group of people that I’ve met.