Believe it or not, I make myself laugh. Sometimes when I have thoughts or say some things that are funny, it just makes me laugh, and I don’t mind laughing at it before you guys do.

A difference of taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections.

How many legs does a dog have if you call his tail a leg? Four. Saying that a tail is a leg doesn’t make it a leg.

What, sir, would the people of the earth be without woman? They would be scarce, sir, almighty scarce.

I’ll die a crazy old man!

The nice thing about being a celebrity is that, if you bore people, they think it’s their fault.

Praise undeserved, is satire in disguise.

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.

Never injure a friend, even in jest.

God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board.

Babies don’t need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach… it pisses me off! I’ll go over to a little baby and say ‚What are you doing here? You haven’t worked a day in your life!‘

What I have never been afraid of is to be a little silly, and you can engage people that way. My view is, first you get them to laugh, then you get them to listen.

There’s something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after she’s only measured water in it.

Since the very beginning, Emeril’s had a sense of humor about me calling him names and poking fun at him.

Take my wife… Please!

When I die, I’m gonna leave my body to science fiction.

Whatever is funny is subversive, every joke is ultimately a custard pie… a dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.

If at first you don’t succeed… so much for skydiving.

Husbands never become good; they merely become proficient.

Nothing shows a man’s character more than what he laughs at.

I’ll say things that are serious and put them in a joke form so people can enjoy them. We laugh to keep from crying.

People say I look so happy – and I say, ‚That’s the Botox.‘

Whenever a fellow tells me he’s bipartisan, I know he’s going to vote against me.

Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself.

The funny thing is people won’t let me pay for things. I’ll be in a restaurant and the manager will say, ‚Oh no, it’s on the house.‘

You know, crankiness is at the essence of all comedy.

A lot of truth is said in jest.

Most of the stuff I do on the show comes out of me just trying to make my friends laugh.

Good jokes are gems. A good idea is hard to come by. I couldn’t give them to someone else, even for money. It just wouldn’t seem right.

Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.

Funny is the world I live in. You’re funny, I’m interested. You’re not funny, I’m not interested.

Do you know what you call those who use towels and never wash them, eat meals and never do the dishes, sit in rooms they never clean, and are entertained till they drop? If you have just answered, ‚A house guest,‘ you’re wrong because I have just described my kids.

If Everton were playing down the bottom of my garden, I’d draw the curtains.

You have a ready wit. Tell me when it’s ready.

Everything I say is a joke. I am a joke myself.

Marriage is neither heaven nor hell, it is simply purgatory.

A vacuum is a hell of a lot better than some of the stuff that nature replaces it with.

People make jokes about my bosoms, why don’t they look underneath the breasts at the heart? It’s obvious I’ve got big ones and if people want to assume they’re not mine, then let them.

If you spend your life competing with business men, what do you have? A bank account and ulcers!

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he’s Frank and in Chicago he’s Ernest.

I have a very strict gun control policy: if there’s a gun around, I want to be in control of it.

I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it.

I believe that singing is the key to long life, a good figure, a stable temperament, increased intelligence, new friends, super self-confidence, heightened sexual attractiveness, and a better sense of humor.

Since childhood, I’ve been a clown. I’ve always liked being very funny or trying to make people laugh. It’s my original self.

The problem with having a sense of humor is often that people you use it on aren’t in a very good mood.

How do you catch a knuckleball? You wait until it stops rolling, then go pick it up.

We don’t laugh because we’re happy – we’re happy because we laugh.

It has always been my private conviction that any man who puts his intelligence up against a fish and loses had it coming.

Why should we take advice on sex from the pope? If he knows anything about it, he shouldn’t!

I’m no genius.

I should be a postage stamp, because that’s the only way I’ll ever get licked. I’m beautiful. I’m fast. I’m so mean I make medicine sick. I can’t possibly be beat.

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

I don’t believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

I’ve been thinking of humorous things since I was… I can’t remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high, all the way through high school, through college and after college, I was thinking of the same kinds of things that I say in front of an audience now.

It’s not that I’m afraid to die. I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

In the sweetness of friendship let there be laughter, and sharing of pleasures. For in the dew of little things the heart finds its morning and is refreshed.

The other day I… uh, no, that wasn’t me.

Some people talk in their sleep. Lecturers talk while other people sleep.

I often look ridiculous in Japan. There’s really no way to eat in Japan, particularly kaiseki in a traditional ryokan, without offending the Japanese horribly. Every gesture, every movement is just so atrociously wrong, and the more I try, the more hilarious it is.