Being a good husband is like being a good stand-up comic – you need ten years before you can even call yourself a beginner.

Don’t just eat McDonald’s, get something a bit better. Eat a salad. That’s what fashion is. It’s something that is a bit better.

The Canteen Boy, the reason you feel bad for him and you can laugh is because he, and I guess a lot of my characters, they don’t notice they’re getting made fun of. So they’ll say something back that’s not that great a quip, but in their mind they won the argument.

It’s been my experience in politics that you can try and plan it out: ‚I’m going to hit the three ball which will hit the eight ball.‘ You’ve just got to go run and try to do everything right. And then have a little luck.

You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That’s what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.

It is beyond a doubt that all our knowledge begins with experience.

Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.

Against the assault of laughter, nothing can stand.

In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.

Never marry someone in hope that they’ll change later.

To be able to finish opportunities that I do get in the paint, that makes a difference.

Experience praises the most happy the one who made the most people happy.

It doesn’t make a difference what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature.

I should have no objection to go over the same life from its beginning to the end: requesting only the advantage authors have, of correcting in a second edition the faults of the first.

It’s not a real adventure when you have to pay for it.

Meeting Franklin Roosevelt was like opening your first bottle of champagne; knowing him was like drinking it.

Working with J Balvin has undoubtedly been an unparalleled experience.

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

The problem with me, as far as getting married and having a family, is that my comedy is so important to me. So I don’t know if I’ll ever be as good a dad as my dad.

How can a woman be expected to be happy with a man who insists on treating her as if she were a perfectly normal human being.

This country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as when the baby gets hold of a hammer.

I don’t think the relationship between novels and realities are one to one. Of course novels play different roles. It’s essentially just a long narrative form. What you use that long narrative form for can be very different.

Trash talk? Smack talk? This is an American term that makes me laugh. I simply speak the truth. I’m an Irish man.

If you’re serious, you really understand that it’s important that you laugh as much as possible and admit that you’re the funniest person you ever met. You have to laugh. Admit that you’re funny. Otherwise, you die in solemnity.

In a relationship each person should support the other; they should lift each other up.

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute.

Lying in bed would be an altogether perfect and supreme experience if only one had a colored pencil long enough to draw on the ceiling.

A serious writer is not to be confounded with a solemn writer. A serious writer may be a hawk or a buzzard or even a popinjay, but a solemn writer is always a bloody owl.

But, you know, it’s still a drag to get your picture taken when you’re eating a sandwich. It’s a downer.

What’s with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere?

Every secret of a writer’s soul, every experience of his life, every quality of his mind is written large in his works.

Marrying an old bachelor is like buying second-hand furniture.

Many a good hanging prevents a bad marriage.

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

It was that famous joke: What’s the last thing the drummer said before he got kicked out of the band? ‚Hey, I wrote a song.‘

The second time around, I’ll understand that, as a husband, my wife doesn’t care about my opinions. I just need to tell her the things that will continue to help me stack the brownie points.

How we experience memory sometimes, it’s not linear. We’re not telling the stories to ourselves. We know the story; we’re just seeing it in flashes overlaid.

Theories are always very thin and insubstantial, experience only is tangible.

Everything happens to everybody sooner or later if there is time enough.

The great thing about having a bunch of kids is they just remind you that you’re the person who takes them to go poop!

To share the dressing room of club and country with Bhai was an amazing experience. I learnt a lot from him and other senior players like Renedy Singh.

Maintaining a consistent platform also helps improve product support – a significant problem in the software industry.

I’m too busy acting like I’m not Naive. I’ve seen it all, I was here first.

The world has grown suspicious of anything that looks like a happily married life.

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

A wise and frugal government, which shall restrain men from injuring one another, shall leave them otherwise free to regulate their own pursuits of industry and improvement, and shall not take from the mouth of labor the bread it has earned.

It’s a good thing we don’t get all the government we pay for.

When I die, I’m gonna leave my body to science fiction.

From my standpoint, being an artist, I want to see what the new construction is between artist and audience.

Political chaos is connected with the decay of language… one can probably bring about some improvement by starting at the verbal end.

As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you.

The use of travelling is to regulate imagination by reality, and instead of thinking how things may be, to see them as they are.

Every man sees in his relatives, and especially in his cousins, a series of grotesque caricatures of himself.

If you want to give up the admiration of thousands of men for the distain of one, go ahead, get married.

Humor has justly been regarded as the finest perfection of poetic genius.

We learn from experience that men never learn anything from experience.

Pessimist: One who, when he has the choice of two evils, chooses both.

My wife and I are very affectionate.

There are three methods to gaining wisdom. The first is reflection, which is the highest. The second is limitation, which is the easiest. The third is experience, which is the bitterest.

My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‚All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.‘