Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.

My life has been one great big joke, a dance that’s walked a song that’s spoke, I laugh so hard I almost choke when I think about myself.

If you check your ego at the door when it comes to comedy, you’ve got a pretty good shot at making a great movie that you can commit yourself to, you can jump off the proverbial cliff with, and have a great time, and the audiences respond to that.

You can bear your own faults, and why not a fault in your wife?

Do good to your friends to keep them, to your enemies to win them.

If I’m gonna write songs about my exes, they can write songs about me. That’s how it works.

Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.

When I was with Andy Warhol, I thought, ‚God, his wig looks cheaper than mine!‘

A lot of truth is said in jest.

Really showing love requires more than just words.

I believe the home and marriage is the foundation of our society and must be protected.

I was never interested in being powerful or famous. But once I got to film school and learned about movies, I just fell in love with it. I didn’t care what kind of movies I made.

It’s very interesting, the joke comes first and then the wording comes within five seconds, maybe ten seconds. My thing is to get the joke across in as few words as possible. However, sometimes a word that’s not really needed does help the rhythm of it. It’s a gut feeling.

He who hath many friends hath none.

When I was nine years old, living on the south side of Chicago, my father was a minister and my mother used to scrub floors. I had seven brothers and four sisters. I told my mama, ‚One of these days I’m going to be big and strong and buy you a beautiful house.‘ That’s all I’ve ever wanted to do with my life, is to take care of my mother.

Men exist for the sake of one another.

A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday.

Secrets are things we give to others to keep for us.

I think being funny is not anyone’s first choice.

I knew through the surgeries that he was on my side and that this wasn’t something where I was gonna feel less of a woman, because my husband wasn’t gonna let that happen.

I love making people laugh. And I love laughing.

Why, I’d horse-whip you if I had a horse.

A wonderful fact to reflect upon, that every human creature is constituted to be that profound secret and mystery to every other.

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

All happiness or unhappiness solely depends upon the quality of the object to which we are attached by love.

Well, all comedy starts with anger. You get angry, and its never for a good reason, right? You know its not a good reason. And then you try and work it from there.

Mine is only one of the millions of hearts broken over the death of Whitney Houston, I will always be grateful and in awe of the wonderful performance she did on my song, and I can truly say from the bottom of my heart, ‚Whitney, I will always love you. You will be missed.‘

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier… I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‚All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.‘

It is really funny when people say you’d be obvious for a great villain.

What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin.

Man will do many things to get himself loved, he will do all things to get himself envied.

Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind, And therefore is winged Cupid painted blind.

It is not enough to say we must not wage war. It is necessary to love peace and sacrifice for it.

I would have written of me on my stone: I had a lover’s quarrel with the world.

Life in abundance comes only through great love.

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.

Pursue some path, however narrow and crooked, in which you can walk with love and reverence.

I’m more of an adventurous type than a relationship type.

I die adoring God, loving my friends, not hating my enemies, and detesting superstition.

I am a very emotional guy. What I love, I do with all I have.

As a matter of self-preservation, a man needs good friends or ardent enemies, for the former instruct him and the latter take him to task.

Joy is prayer; joy is strength: joy is love; joy is a net of love by which you can catch souls.

Trust is not the same as faith. A friend is someone you trust. Putting faith in anyone is a mistake.

It may be the cock that crows, but it is the hen that lays the eggs.

The wisest hustler can suddenly fall for the worst tramp and lose all of his money on her. The hustler is aware of his own weaknesses and openings to con. This awareness is his edge.

Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.

Comedy’s about opening up and being unique, but to a point where the audience can relate to what you’re saying.

I don’t know what can be so dangerous about giving people hope. Causing people to have better relationships. I’m not leading them to some false God or something like that.

Children begin by loving their parents; after a time they judge them; rarely, if ever, do they forgive them.

Don’t get the impression that you arouse my anger. You see, one can only be angry with those he respects.

Sometimes it’s a form of love just to talk to somebody that you have nothing in common with and still be fascinated by their presence.

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute.

Where love rules, there is no will to power; and where power predominates, there love is lacking. The one is the shadow of the other.

Truth is so obscure in these times, and falsehood so established, that, unless we love the truth, we cannot know it.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

The rule of friendship means there should be mutual sympathy between them, each supplying what the other lacks and trying to benefit the other, always using friendly and sincere words.

Is everything funny? For me, yes. There’s a positive to every negative. Even my divorce? For me, yes. If you go back and look at it, why it happened or how it happened, there’s something in there that’ll make you laugh.

I searched for years I found no love. I’m sure that love will never be a product of plasticity.

It used to be the case, like you’d switch jobs, and then maybe you wouldn’t keep in touch with all the people that you knew from that old job, just because it was too hard. But one of the things that Facebook does is it makes it really easy to just stay in touch with all these people.

Heavenly Father loves every one of His children. After all, He is their Father.