Be thankful we’re not getting all the government we’re paying for.

I remember straightening my hair because I wanted to be like everybody else, and now the fact that anybody would emulate what I do? It’s just funny.

That government is best which governs least.

Man is fond of counting his troubles, but he does not count his joys. If he counted them up as he ought to, he would see that every lot has enough happiness provided for it.

Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all the others.

Politics is like football; if you see daylight, go through the hole.

Do you know what you call those who use towels and never wash them, eat meals and never do the dishes, sit in rooms they never clean, and are entertained till they drop? If you have just answered, ‚A house guest,‘ you’re wrong because I have just described my kids.

There is such a thing as ‚thanks-feeling‘ – feeling thankful. This ought to be the general, universal spirit of the Christian.

No government can help the destinies of people who insist in putting sectional and class consciousness ahead of general weal.

There was a time when people said, ‚Jim, if you keep on making faces, your face will freeze like that.‘ Now they just say, ‚Pay him!‘

Scientists are not delinquents. Our work has changed the conditions in which men live, but the use made of these changes is the problem of governments, not of scientists.

You can always count on Americans to do the right thing – after they’ve tried everything else.

God has given us two hands, one to receive with and the other to give with.

The Democratic position seems to be everything is going to be free. Free education. Free health care. Free housing. Free love. Free kittens, I don’t know.

This administration is going to be cussed and discussed for years to come.

There has come into being a kind of a Shia belt from Tehran through Baghdad to Beirut. And this gives Iran the opportunity to reconstruct the ancient Persian Empire – this time under the Shia label.

We must always remember that America is a great nation today not because of what government did for people but because of what people did for themselves and for one another.

Humor is mankind’s greatest blessing.

Husbands never become good; they merely become proficient.

It’s been my experience in politics that you can try and plan it out: ‚I’m going to hit the three ball which will hit the eight ball.‘ You’ve just got to go run and try to do everything right. And then have a little luck.

I don’t think comedy will ever die.

From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere.

The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don’t have.

Let me tell you something that we Israelis have against Moses. He took us 40 years through the desert in order to bring us to the one spot in the Middle East that has no oil!

In the end, everything is a gag.

Jerry Ford is so dumb he can’t fart and chew gum at the same time.

I believe that Catholics involved in politics carry the values of their religion within them, but have the mature awareness and expertise to implement them. The Church will never go beyond its task of expressing and disseminating its values, at least as long as I’m here.

War should only be declared by the authority of the people, whose toils and treasures are to support its burdens, instead of the government which is to reap its fruits.

You and I are stuck with the necessity of taking the worst of two evils or none at all. So-I’m taking the immature Democrat as the best of the two. Nixon is impossible.

Government does not create wealth. The major role for the government is to create an environment where people take risks to expand the job rate in the United States.

Freedom does not die from frontal attack. It dies because men in power no longer believe in a system based upon liberty.

I don’t see why we need to stand by and watch a country go communist due to the irresponsibility of its people. The issues are much too important for the Chilean voters to be left to decide for themselves.

I’ve just had eighteen straight whiskies. I think that’s the record.

This and no other is the root from which a tyrant springs; when he first appears he is a protector.

I always thought money was something just to make me happy. But I’ve learned that I feel better being able to help my folks, ‚cause we never had nothing. So just to see them excited about my career is more of a blessing than me actually having it for myself.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I’ll never know.

The elections are run by the same industries that sell toothpaste on television.

I was extremely lucky that I had two great wives. It sounds a bit funny to say that, but it’s absolutely true.

In the political system, we are a team; politics and bureaucracy, we are a team. The politicians, bureaucrats and the people, we are a team.

The Soviet government is the most realistic regime in the world – no ideals.

I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat.

Take my wife… Please!

It has been said that politics is the second oldest profession. I have learned that it bears a striking resemblance to the first.

Writers are a little below clowns and a little above trained seals.

I don’t envy or much respect people who are completely politicised.

That’s the one for my tombstone… Here lies David Byrne. Why the big suit?

The least of things with a meaning is worth more in life than the greatest of things without it.

I have no ambition to govern men; it is a painful and thankless office.

My mom was a terrible parent of young children. And thank God – I thank God every time I think of it – I was sent to my paternal grandmother. Ah, but my mother was a great parent of a young adult.

Either he’s dead or my watch has stopped.

I love being able to be political without any political affiliation.

If you make any money, the government shoves you in the creek once a year with it in your pockets, and all that don’t get wet you can keep.

Sisters are brittle things. God was penurious with me, which makes me shrewd with Him. One is a dainty sum! One bird, one cage, one flight; one song in those far woods, as yet suspected by faith only!

No man will ever carry out of the Presidency the reputation which carried him into it.

Politicians love regulating. That’s part of the whole power structure.

I like the app where you can make your own memes. I make memes all the time and send them to my friends.

My fellow Americans, I am pleased to tell you I just signed legislation which outlaws Russia forever. The bombing begins in five minutes.

I am sometimes a fox and sometimes a lion. The whole secret of government lies in knowing when to be the one or the other.

Antitrust is the way that the government promotes markets when there are market failures. It has nothing to do with the idea of free information.

Government does not solve problems; it subsidizes them.

I don’t think it’s possible to have a sense of tragedy without having a sense of humor.