Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

An unemployed court jester is nobody’s fool.

More people should read books. It’s the most concentrated experience you can have.

Many people have been getting too casual about climbing Everest. I forecast a disaster many times.

Let me ask you a question: If you never ate a balanced diet, what would happen to your body? You know the answer: Eventually you’d grow weak; you might even open yourself to serious illness or disease. We all need a balanced diet if we are to stay healthy.

How well he’s read, to reason against reading!

It’s very interesting, the joke comes first and then the wording comes within five seconds, maybe ten seconds. My thing is to get the joke across in as few words as possible. However, sometimes a word that’s not really needed does help the rhythm of it. It’s a gut feeling.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

I confess I enjoy democracy immensely. It is incomparably idiotic, and hence incomparably amusing.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

If you don’t have the time to read, you don’t have the time or the tools to write.

I’m healthy as can be – not an ache or a pain. A lot of my prayer is thanking the Lord that I am healthy. I pray for long life and good health.

The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course.

Reading, after a certain age, diverts the mind too much from its creative pursuits. Any man who reads too much and uses his own brain too little falls into lazy habits of thinking.

Work is the curse of the drinking classes.

I think for my bones and my size, I better stay with my 60 kilo.

I was ill, and everyone could see it but me.

I don’t think comedy will ever die.

MySpace is my wife… Facebook is my mistress.

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it’s feet first!

I take my sleep very, very important.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion.

The chief condition on which, life, health and vigor depend on, is action. It is by action that an organism develops its faculties, increases its energy, and attains the fulfillment of its destiny.

The great thing about having a bunch of kids is they just remind you that you’re the person who takes them to go poop!

I never thought, in my lifetime, that you’d be able to watch movies, read books and listen to music from a phone, but I guess the technology of tomorrow is here today.

I’m not confused. I’m just well mixed.

I was training to be an electrician. I suppose I got wired the wrong way round somewhere along the line.

True humor springs not more from the head than from the heart. It is not contempt; its essence is love. It issues not in laughter, but in still smiles, which lie far deeper.

Do not meddle in the affairs of Wizards, for they are subtle and quick to anger.

If I ever had twins, I’d use one for parts.

Never trust anything that can think for itself if you can’t see where it keeps its brain.

I think that that’s the wisest thing – to prevent illness before we try to cure something.

I spent my childhood in the country and started reading even before going to school. There was nothing else in my life but sketching and reading.

I was a very keen reader of science fiction, and during the time I was going to libraries, it was good, written by people who knew their science.

I write books back to back, and I work very hard on them.

In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards.

Libraries raised me.

People who do not know how to laugh are always pompous and self-conceited.

When you’re coming up with new material, it’s not always gonna be good. The only way to learn is for it not to get a laugh, so you can adjust it and come back the next day to see if it’s working right. Next time, you might get a different laugh. You’re constantly rebuilding.

Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue.

A wise man should consider that health is the greatest of human blessings, and learn how by his own thought to derive benefit from his illnesses.

The first book I ever really read was Plato’s ‚Republic,‘ and then I had to go over that five times or something.

I must have read every issue of ‚Punch‘ published in the 20th century, and I think in the process I picked up the true voice of English humour – that amiable, fairly liberal, laconic voice which you find in something like ‚Three Men in a Boat.‘

If there’s something dangerous, sauces are dangerous for the body.

Cancer victimhood contains a permanent temptation to be self-centred and even solipsistic.

There’s something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after she’s only measured water in it.

Ninety percent of the cases of polio are in security-vulnerable areas.

I don’t like magic – but I have been known to make guys disappear.

Don’t just read the easy stuff. You may be entertained by it, but you will never grow from it.

The nice thing about being a celebrity is that, if you bore people, they think it’s their fault.

Buying books would be a good thing if one could also buy the time to read them in: but as a rule the purchase of books is mistaken for the appropriation of their contents.

It’s crazy how fast you get out of shape if you miss a couple days of action.

To a philosopher all news, as it is called, is gossip, and they who edit and read it are old women over their tea.

Be wary of the man who urges an action in which he himself incurs no risk.

What some call health, if purchased by perpetual anxiety about diet, isn’t much better than tedious disease.

Don’t get old, if you can avoid it.

The thing that I fear discriminating against is humor and truth.

My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style.

I’m half-Irish, half-Dutch, and I was born in Belgium. If I was a dog, I’d be in a hell of a mess!

I wake up every morning at nine and grab for the morning paper. Then I look at the obituary page. If my name is not on it, I get up.

There’s only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it is I’ll get married again.