Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too.

Men show their character in nothing more clearly than what they think laughable.

I’m not a real movie star. I’ve still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago.

When you have good friends you’ve been around, every time they talk, you don’t give them your full attention. You don’t look them in the eye and stop. Half the time, you’re listening, half the time, you are ignoring them.

Is it not important to find out how to listen not only to what is being said but to everything – to the noise in the streets, to the chatter of birds, to the noise of the tramcar, to the restless sea, to the voice of your husband, to your wife, to your friends, to the cry of a baby?

Love alone is capable of uniting living beings in such a way as to complete and fulfill them, for it alone takes them and joins them by what is deepest in themselves.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I’ll never know.

I am at peace with God. My conflict is with Man.

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.

My wife and I love each other very much.

Be of love a little more careful than of anything.

There is more of good nature than of good sense at the bottom of most marriages.

Believe it or not, I make myself laugh. Sometimes when I have thoughts or say some things that are funny, it just makes me laugh, and I don’t mind laughing at it before you guys do.

You should not have taken advantage of my sensibility to steal into my affections without my consent.

No married man is genuinely happy if he has to drink worse whisky than he used to drink when he was single.

Impart as much as you can of your spiritual being to those who are on the road with you, and accept as something precious what comes back to you from them.

When you think about it, three of our biggest financial decisions in life are made at times of peak emotional excitement: deciding to get married, buying a home, and having kids.

A man’s got to take a lot of punishment to write a really funny book.

I rely on other people every day of my life.

You know, crankiness is at the essence of all comedy.

My partner Donald Trump says that married couples should always have a prenuptial agreement. True, a prenuptial is important if one partner is much richer than the other before marriage, but Kim and I don’t have one.

If somebody thinks they’re a hedgehog, presumably you just give ‚em a mirror and a few pictures of hedgehogs and tell them to sort it out for themselves.

My wife and I are very affectionate.

My wife doesn’t even want to spend 2 hours with me.

Friends accept you the way you are.

For me, it’s about the way I carry myself and the way I treat other people. My relationship and how I feel about God and what He does for me, is something deeply personal. It’s where I came from, my family, I was brought up in a religious household and that’s very important to me.

If one by one we counted people out For the least sin, it wouldn’t take us long To get so we had no one left to live with. For to be social is to be forgiving.

For most of my life I let women do the driving and was happy to let them.

My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‚All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.‘

Life is made of ever so many partings welded together.

Jerry Ford is so dumb he can’t fart and chew gum at the same time.

It’s funny; recently I’ve started to notice people’s impersonations of me, and it’s basically like a hyperactive child.

Brad was a huge surprise to me. I think we were both the last two people who were looking for a relationship. I certainly wasn’t. I was quite content to be a single mom with Mad.

There is no more lovely, friendly and charming relationship, communion or company than a good marriage.

If one morning I walked on top of the water across the Potomac River, the headline that afternoon would read: ‚President Can’t Swim.‘

It takes a great deal of bravery to stand up to our enemies, but just as much to stand up to our friends.

Friendship, like love, is destroyed by long absence, though it may be increased by short intermissions.

I used to take my short stories to girls‘ homes and read them to them. Can you imagine the reaction reading a short story to a girl instead of pawing her?

Love has reasons which reason cannot understand.

He who is overly attached to his family members experiences fear and sorrow, for the root of all grief is attachment. Thus one should discard attachment to be happy.

If you have fear, you are bound by tradition, you follow some leader or guru. When you are bound by tradition, when you are afraid of your husband or your wife, you lose your dignity as an individual human being.

In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.

Government is like a baby. An alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other.

Basically, when you get to my age, you’ll really measure your success in life by how many of the people you want to have love you actually do love you.

You have to give others the opportunity to love who you love. If they don’t accept it, it’s their loss.

I think I have had so much blessing – I’ve had my brother, who was brilliant – I think my family came closest to making a genius when they made my brother – Bailey was just all of that. He loved me.

I think I am smart unless I am really, really in love, and then I am ridiculously stupid.

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they’re eating sandwiches.

I found it hard to be young. When I was married in my twenties, I hated being regarded as ‚the little wife.‘ You don’t know what it was like then! I’d never even written a cheque. I had to ask my husband for money for groceries.

We awaken in others the same attitude of mind we hold toward them.

The trend of opinion among eugenists is that we must make marriage more difficult. Certainly no one who is not a desirable parent should be permitted to produce progeny.

I once told Nixon that the Presidency is like being a jackass caught in a hail storm. You’ve got to just stand there and take it.

The two things in the world we all share in this world are laughter and pain. We’ve all got problems. The levels of those problems vary, but we’ve all got problems. When you can take things that are painful and make them funny, that’s a gift – to you and your audience.

There is no remedy for love but to love more.

I don’t know why women want any of the things men have when one of the things that women have is men.

People tend to think that because I’m a performer and I don’t go to a regular high school that I haven’t personally been affected by bullies. But it’s actually quite the contrary.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

I make decisions all day, so it’s nice for a woman like me to go to dinner and have the man take the menu and say, ‚Let me order.‘ Other women would be offended by that, but I’m like, ‚Good. Because I can’t make one more decision today.‘ I want someone to rub my feet without being asked.

I never had a mother. I suppose a mother is one to whom you hurry when you are troubled.

I’ve been careful in love. I’ve been careless in love. And I’ve had adventures I wouldn’t trade for anything.

I wouldn’t say that anyone in fashion is on my side. I don’t think there’s anyone on my side.