Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.

Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.

Love is a really scary thing, and you never know what’s going to happen. It’s one of the most beautiful things in life, but it’s one of the most terrifying. It’s worth the fear because you have more knowledge, experience, you learn from people, and you have memories.

Doing Saturday Night Live definitely affects my relationship with my girlfriend and with my family, because you feel so much pressure to do well that night. But I think everyone’s grown to accept that and so they give me my space at the show.

A serious writer is not to be confounded with a solemn writer. A serious writer may be a hawk or a buzzard or even a popinjay, but a solemn writer is always a bloody owl.

Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.

True friends stab you in the front.

Don’t get the impression that you arouse my anger. You see, one can only be angry with those he respects.

Married or single, you sisters possess distinctive capabilities and special intuition you have received as gifts from God. We brethren cannot duplicate your unique influence.

All genuinely intellectual work is humorous.

I don’t know why women want any of the things men have when one of the things that women have is men.

The thing that I fear discriminating against is humor and truth.

A difference of taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections.

Perhaps the most delightful friendships are those in which there is much agreement, much disputation, and yet more personal liking.

If you cry over a guy, then your friends can’t date him. It can’t even be considered.

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.

To love someone means to see him as God intended him.

Teach a parrot the terms ‚supply and demand‘ and you’ve got an economist.

I would be married, but I’d have no wife, I would be married to a single life.

Love begins by taking care of the closest ones – the ones at home.

Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends.

Trying to meet new women, it’s always a little more difficult as opposed to calling somebody I knew that’s single and trying to rebuild that connection.

I’m the kind of person who needs to feel like everything happens for a reason. When you date a guy and it goes badly, that’s horrible. But if you can write a song about it, then it was worth it.

He who does not trust enough, Will not be trusted.

It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.

My wife doesn’t even want to spend 2 hours with me.

When people say ‚marriage‘ to me… It’s always a means to an end. Everyone’s so in a rush to define the relationship.

There’s something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after she’s only measured water in it.

A lot of the time when I write about the person that I love, I feel like I’m writing about New York.

We must be our own before we can be another’s.

I don’t want to get into it, but if you know someone, it doesn’t mean you agree with everything they say or they do.

Humorists can never start to take themselves seriously. It’s literary suicide.

The course of true love never did run smooth.

I’ve done the bad-boy thing. It was fun for a good three months. But the thing about bad boys is, you have to keep in mind, you’re never gonna marry a bad boy.

A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend – and he’s a priest.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I think when people mean that Discworld books have become darker they really mean the series is growing up. In ‚The Colour of Magic‘ most of the city is set alight. It’s a joke, in much the same way that the Earth is destroyed almost at the start of Douglas Adams’s ‚The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy.‘

Part of me feels you can’t say you were truly in love if it didn’t last. If I end up getting married and having kids, that’s when I’ll know it’s real – because it lasted.

For me, the way I stay consistent is through stand-up comedy.

Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.

There’s different kinds of laughs. It’s like a baseball lineup: this guy’s your power hitter, this guy gets on base, this guy works out walks. If everybody does their job, we’re gonna win.

I let the dog out, or I let him in, and we talk some. I let him know I like him, and he lets me know he likes me.

Nothing new here, except my marrying, which to me is a matter of profound wonder.

I always wanted to be a father and thought it would be great, but it just took the right woman and the right time to make it all happen.

The middle class is so funny, it’s the class I know best, and it’s the class where you find the most pretension, so that’s what makes the middle classes so funny.

Familiarity breeds contempt – and children.

My wife and I tried two or three times in the last 40 years to have breakfast together, but it was so disagreeable we had to stop.

I always wanted to be loved.

The other day I… uh, no, that wasn’t me.

I have lived and slept in the same bed with English countesses and Prussian farm women… no woman has excited passions among women more than I have.

I was kind of secretly hoping one of my kids would go out and make a million bucks. So when they put me in a home, at least I’ll have a window with a view.

If women were particular about men’s characters, they would never get married at all.

The human being is a strange mixture of blind instinct, on one hand, and conscience, on the other.

Country radio is much more like a family than any other group of people that I’ve met.

A friend of mine jokes that I have a painstaking royalty complex. Like maybe I was a duke in a past life.

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They’re worth it.

You know, my Grandpop Finnegan used to have an expression: he used to say, ‚Joey, the guy in Olyphant’s out of work, it’s an economic slowdown. When your brother-in-law’s out of work, it’s a recession. When you’re out of work, it’s a depression.‘

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

Whenever I want to laugh, I read a wonderful book, ‚Children’s Letters to God.‘ You can open it anywhere. One I read recently said, ‚Dear God, thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy.‘

But there is a difference between cozying up to power and being close to power.

Money and women are the most sought after and the least known about of any two things we have.