Babies don’t need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach… it pisses me off! I’ll go over to a little baby and say ‚What are you doing here? You haven’t worked a day in your life!‘

I was terrible at straight items. When I wrote obituaries, my mother said the only thing I ever got them to do was die in alphabetical order.

If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion.

I’m half-Irish, half-Dutch, and I was born in Belgium. If I was a dog, I’d be in a hell of a mess!

I’ve just had eighteen straight whiskies. I think that’s the record.

Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with Guess on it. I said, Thyroid problem?

Whether I’m running on the beach without my shirt or whether I’m going out with my kids or going to church or going out to dinner – I don’t choose to insulate myself in engaging in real life. Hence, the public kind of almost knows me as much through my real life that they see through the rag mags.

Humor is the first of the gifts to perish in a foreign tongue.

Everything I say is a joke. I am a joke myself.

Anyone who doesn’t have a great time in San Francisco is pretty much dead to me.

If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.

It’s sometimes comical to hear the younger generation ask their peers to repeat themselves.

Jerry Ford is so dumb he can’t fart and chew gum at the same time.

Only kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to use the editorial ‚we.‘

I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it.

I don’t get up, get dressed, go out, and think, ‚Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.‘

Paris is always a good idea.

Politics is applesauce.

We were at a beach one summer, and I had a bathing suit on. My wife looked at me and said: ‚Boy, you are skinny, aren’t you?‘ I said: ‚Honey, I’d like to remind you that it was minor defects like this that kept me from getting a better wife.‘

The only advantage of not being too good a housekeeper is that your guests are so pleased to feel how very much better they are.

Whenever a fellow tells me he’s bipartisan, I know he’s going to vote against me.

I don’t know why women want any of the things men have when one of the things that women have is men.

My husband calls me ‚catfish.‘ He says I’m all mouth and no brains.

The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

Since childhood, I’ve been a clown. I’ve always liked being very funny or trying to make people laugh. It’s my original self.

Marriage is neither heaven nor hell, it is simply purgatory.

I’m a big believer than a great bit is a great bit – if I go and see someone I love, like Robert Klein. I want to hear some classics and some new stuff. But a great stand-up bit takes a long time to really polish and perfect, and they’re beautiful things when they’re done.

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.

The usual method of finding a little dongly thing that actually matches a gizmo I want to use is to go and buy another one, at a price that can physically drive the air from your body.

I don’t write material. Funny things happen to me in the course of a day, and I just make notes.

You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That’s what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.

When people laugh at Mickey Mouse, it’s because he’s so human; and that is the secret of his popularity.

A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age.

That is why, no matter how desperate the predicament is, I am always very much in earnest about clutching my cane, straightening my derby hat and fixing my tie, even though I have just landed on my head.

Stand-up is hard.

Humor is reason gone mad.

Funny is the world I live in. You’re funny, I’m interested. You’re not funny, I’m not interested.

You’re not going to see my sense of humor on the football field. That’s not a place for me to joke around.

If I had to describe myself to an alien I’d say I was bigger than the average human, enjoy a drink or two with a good meal and have a bigger head than most. I’d also say I’m really handsome – especially if they were a female alien.

Humorists can never start to take themselves seriously. It’s literary suicide.

I say to the paparazzi, ‚Fellas, take your shot and go.‘ It’s just they usually find me on a beach.

I’d like to dial it back 5% or 10% and try to have a vacation that’s not just e-mail with a view.

I’ve got the brain of a four year old. I’ll bet he was glad to be rid of it.

Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.

Work is the curse of the drinking classes.

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

There’s nothing funnier than the human animal.

I met Woz when I was 13, at a friend’s garage. He was about 18. He was, like, the first person I met who knew more electronics than I did at that point. We became good friends, because we shared an interest in computers and we had a sense of humor. We pulled all kinds of pranks together.

I’ve tried to reduce profanity but I reduced so much profanity when writing the book that I’m afraid not much could come out. Perhaps we will have to consider it simply as a profane book and hope that the next book will be less profane or perhaps more sacred.

When you’re in comedy, people always come up and say, ‚Oh, it must be so hard.‘ It really isn’t hard unless you’re not good at it. If you can do it, its really kind of fun and easy.

The other day I… uh, no, that wasn’t me.

In the end, everything is a gag.

A lot of my rhymes are just to get chuckles out of people. Anybody with half a brain is going to be able to tell when I’m joking and when I’m serious.

I love people who make me laugh. I honestly think it’s the thing I like most, to laugh. It cures a multitude of ills. It’s probably the most important thing in a person.

With Windows 8, Microsoft is trying to gain market share in what has been dominated by the iPad-type device. But a lot of those users are frustrated. They can’t type. They can’t create documents.

There is only one step from the sublime to the ridiculous.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and I’m here to help.

I’ve been thinking of humorous things since I was… I can’t remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high, all the way through high school, through college and after college, I was thinking of the same kinds of things that I say in front of an audience now.