Babies don’t need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach… it pisses me off! I’ll go over to a little baby and say ‚What are you doing here? You haven’t worked a day in your life!‘

I was training to be an electrician. I suppose I got wired the wrong way round somewhere along the line.

I’ve been to Disneyland, like, 10 times. I’m getting really tired of Disneyland.

A lot of people think I’m a comedian.

There’s many a man has more hair than wit.

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

I’ve got a great sense of humor.

I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.

I remember straightening my hair because I wanted to be like everybody else, and now the fact that anybody would emulate what I do? It’s just funny.

What makes all doctrines plain and clear? About two hundred pounds a year. And that which was proved true before, prove false again? Two hundred more.

The only difference between death and taxes is that death doesn’t get worse every time Congress meets.

If you check your ego at the door when it comes to comedy, you’ve got a pretty good shot at making a great movie that you can commit yourself to, you can jump off the proverbial cliff with, and have a great time, and the audiences respond to that.

I’ve seen George Foreman shadow boxing, and the shadow won.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier… I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

Humor must not professedly teach and it must not professedly preach, but it must do both if it would live forever.

I’ve exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.

They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.

An onion can make people cry but there’s never been a vegetable that can make people laugh.

I was kind of secretly hoping one of my kids would go out and make a million bucks. So when they put me in a home, at least I’ll have a window with a view.

Frazier is so ugly that he should donate his face to the U.S. Bureau of Wild Life.

When I was with Andy Warhol, I thought, ‚God, his wig looks cheaper than mine!‘

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

So, I’m lying on the couch and Laura walks in and I say, ‚Free at last,‘ and she says ‚You’re free all right, you’re free to do the dishes.‘ So I say, ‚You’re talking to the former president, baby,‘ and she said, ‚consider this your new domestic policy agenda.‘

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and I’m here to help.

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it’s feet first!

Eight years involved with the nuclear industry have taught me that when nothing can possible go wrong and every avenue has been covered, then is the time to buy a house on the next continent.

Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.

The middle class is so funny, it’s the class I know best, and it’s the class where you find the most pretension, so that’s what makes the middle classes so funny.

As a medical doctor, I have known the face of adversity. I have seen much of death and dying, suffering and sorrow. I also remember the plight of students overwhelmed by their studies and of those striving to learn a foreign language. And I recall the fatigue and frustration felt by young parents with children in need.

In Beverly Hills… they don’t throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.

Humor has bailed me out of more tight situations than I can think of. If you go with your instincts and keep your humor, creativity follows. With luck, success comes, too.

People are always asking me in interviews, ‚What do you think of foreign affairs?‘ I just say, ‚I’ve had a few.‘

Writers are a little below clowns and a little above trained seals.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

I think being funny is not anyone’s first choice.

What I have never been afraid of is to be a little silly, and you can engage people that way. My view is, first you get them to laugh, then you get them to listen.

If I ever had twins, I’d use one for parts.

Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

I don’t go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it’s contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me.

The intelligent man finds almost everything ridiculous, the sensible man hardly anything.

I almost laughed about the Machiavellian plans of the presidents of the United States.

I live half the year on Necker, a tiny island in the Caribbean, and it’s always full of people in party mode. Everyone comes up to the big house, and we’ll be dancing until the early hours to the island’s band, the Front Line.

A serious writer is not to be confounded with a solemn writer. A serious writer may be a hawk or a buzzard or even a popinjay, but a solemn writer is always a bloody owl.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.

Ice-cream is exquisite – what a pity it isn’t illegal.

It is not funny that anything else should fall down; only that a man should fall down. Why do we laugh? Because it is a gravely religious matter: it is the Fall of Man. Only man can be absurd: for only man can be dignified.

I just think it’s so important not to take yourself too seriously.

We were at a beach one summer, and I had a bathing suit on. My wife looked at me and said: ‚Boy, you are skinny, aren’t you?‘ I said: ‚Honey, I’d like to remind you that it was minor defects like this that kept me from getting a better wife.‘

A man’s got to take a lot of punishment to write a really funny book.

Either he’s dead or my watch has stopped.

A good laugh is sunshine in the house.

I’ll stay in Memphis.

God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board.

I’m not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb… and I also know that I’m not blonde.

So many guys are so conservative with their hair, and I always joke with all my buddies when they mess with me, and I’ll say, ‚That’s right, keep the same haircut for ten years.‘ How fun is that?

Politics is applesauce.

Needing to have things perfect is the surest way to immobilize yourself with frustration.

I don’t know who I touch and who I don’t. I work hard trying to make people laugh. I try to do the kind of stuff that made me laugh growing up. I don’t have any secrets. I don’t know the reasons I’ve been so well received.