Woody Allen Quotes

Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.

When we played softball, I’d steal second base, feel guilty and go back.

I’m such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.

I don’t think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.

Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, ‚Be fruitful and multiply,‘ but not in those words.

I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.

Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?

Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more fun.

Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness.

It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.

I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.

I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

I am not afraid of death, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

Seventy percent of success in life is showing up.

Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small.

If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.

I’m not afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering – and it’s all over much too soon.

Eighty percent of success is showing up.

I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.

I don’t have to ‚freedom-kiss‘ my wife when what I really want to do is French-kiss her.

Tradition is the illusion of permanence.

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.

It’s not that I’m afraid to die. I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

I’m very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won’t get much sleep.

In my house I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.

If my films don’t show a profit, I know I’m doing something right.

I don’t believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.

If you’re not failing every now and again, it’s a sign you’re not doing anything very innovative.

I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it’s the government.

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

Marriage is the death of hope.

Basically my wife was immature. I’d be at home in the bath and she’d come in and sink my boats.

I think being funny is not anyone’s first choice.

As the poet said, ‚Only God can make a tree,‘ probably because it’s so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

I’d call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.

Life doesn’t imitate art, it imitates bad television.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don’t have.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Right now it’s only a notion, but I think I can get the money to make it into a concept, and later turn it into an idea.

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian.

I’ve never been an intellectual but I have this look.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

What if nothing exists and we’re all in somebody’s dream?

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.

Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.

If my films make one more person miserable, I’ll feel I have done my job.

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

I am two with nature.

To you I’m an atheist; to God, I’m the Loyal Opposition.