Henny Youngman Quotes

If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn’t pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up – they have no holidays.

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money.

I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o’clock.

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.

This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.

She’s been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.

Take my wife… Please!

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They’re worth it.

Why don’t Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.

My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.

My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that’s not so bad; but New York City?

When I told my doctor I couldn’t afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you’re in the wrong house, that’s what it means.

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

I’ve been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she’ll kill me.

I know a man who doesn’t pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.

You can’t buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.

If at first you don’t succeed… so much for skydiving.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it’s feet first!

When God sneezed, I didn’t know what to say.

The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.

My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn’t need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.

I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.

Those two are a fastidious couple. She’s fast and he’s hideous.

You have a ready wit. Tell me when it’s ready.

If my mother knew I did this for a living, she’d kill me. She thinks I’m selling dope.

I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.

This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he’s Frank and in Chicago he’s Ernest.

That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!

She has a wash and wear bridal gown.

She’s a big-hearted girl with hips to match.

How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put ‚page 2.‘

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.