Groucho Marx Quotes

The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution – this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths.

Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.

I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn’t educate America if they started at 6:30.

Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does.

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I’ll never know.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

I intend to live forever, or die trying.

I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.

I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.

A man’s only as old as the woman he feels.

Well, Art is Art, isn’t it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know.

Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.

I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn’t arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I’m going to be happy in it.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them… well, I have others.

I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.

Room service? Send up a larger room.

Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.

My favourite poem is the one that starts ‚Thirty days hath September‘ because it actually tells you something.

Either he’s dead or my watch has stopped.

I’m not feeling very well – I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

Before I speak, I have something important to say.

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

I remember the first time I had sex – I kept the receipt.

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

Please accept my resignation. I don’t care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.

Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.

Why should I care about posterity? What’s posterity ever done for me?

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

She got her looks from her father. He’s a plastic surgeon.

Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can’t make head nor tail out of it.

My mother loved children – she would have given anything if I had been one.

There’s one way to find out if a man is honest – ask him. If he says, ‚Yes,‘ you know he is a crook.

I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.

No man goes before his time – unless the boss leaves early.

Politics doesn’t make strange bedfellows – marriage does.

Wives are people who feel they don’t dance enough.

I’m leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it’s not raining.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.

Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.

Women should be obscene and not heard.

I won’t belong to any organization that would have me as a member.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.

I’ve got the brain of a four year old. I’ll bet he was glad to be rid of it.

Go, and never darken my towels again.

I don’t care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book.

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

If you’ve heard this story before, don’t stop me, because I’d like to hear it again.

Humor is reason gone mad.

I didn’t like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions – the curtain was up.