Are you laboring under the impression that I read these memoranda of yours? I can’t even lift them.

I remember the first time I heard a teenager say ‚LOL.‘ Just what? But it means ‚laugh.‘ Why don’t you just laugh? What are you doing?

We must laugh at man to avoid crying for him.

If I like a thing, it just sticks after once reading it or hearing it.

I’ll die a crazy old man!

You don’t read in your own field. You read in that field when you’re young, so that you can learn.

Don’t just read the easy stuff. You may be entertained by it, but you will never grow from it.

Being a good husband is like being a good stand-up comic – you need ten years before you can even call yourself a beginner.

There is nothing so difficult to marry as a large nose.

Books are the treasured wealth of the world and the fit inheritance of generations and nations.

If one morning I walked on top of the water across the Potomac River, the headline that afternoon would read: ‚President Can’t Swim.‘

If I couldn’t laugh I just would go insane, If we couldn’t laugh we just would go insane, If we weren’t all crazy we would go insane.

Reading is a basic tool in the living of a good life.

With the fearful strain that is on me night and day, if I did not laugh I should die.

All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too.

I sing and play the guitar, and I’m a walking, talking bacterial infection.

I would never want a book’s autograph. I am a proud non-reader of books.

To buy books would be a good thing if we also could buy the time to read them.

What’s with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere?

Like getting into a bleeding competition with a blood bank.

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.

All people are born alike – except Republicans and Democrats.

My absolute favourite piece of information is the fact that young sloths are so inept that they frequently grab their own arms and legs instead of tree limbs, and fall out of trees.

A serious writer is not to be confounded with a solemn writer. A serious writer may be a hawk or a buzzard or even a popinjay, but a solemn writer is always a bloody owl.

I did stand-up, weird and ignorant stuff about my career – anything for a laugh.

Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring… ‚How to Build a Boat.‘

I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.

Libraries raised me.

My son is becoming me – just a silly, silly prankster guy.

My husband calls me ‚catfish.‘ He says I’m all mouth and no brains.

If a politician found he had cannibals among his constituents, he would promise them missionaries for dinner.

Why don’t they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as well as prohibition did, in five years Americans would be the smartest race of people on Earth.

Since childhood, I’ve been a clown. I’ve always liked being very funny or trying to make people laugh. It’s my original self.

Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.

Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.

Let him that is without stone among you cast the first thing he can lay his hands on.

The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it’s so much fun.

My mother is from another time – the funniest person to her is Lucille Ball; that’s what she loves. A lot of times she tells me she doesn’t know what I’m talking about. I know if I wasn’t her son and she was flipping through the TV and saw me, she would just keep going.

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

Miss a meal if you have to, but don’t miss a book.

When they call the roll in the Senate, the Senators do not know whether to answer ‚Present‘ or ‚Not guilty.‘

People make jokes about my bosoms, why don’t they look underneath the breasts at the heart? It’s obvious I’ve got big ones and if people want to assume they’re not mine, then let them.

Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.

When you pick up a book, everyone knows it’s imaginary. You don’t have to pretend it’s not a book. We don’t have to pretend that people don’t write books. That omniscient third-person narration isn’t the only way to do it. Once you’re writing in the first person, then the narrator is a writer.

I’m terrible at reading scripts. I love to read, and I hate reading scripts.

Sometimes I wish my first word was ‚quote,‘ so that on my death bed, my last words could be ‚end quote.‘

I bet after seeing us, George Washington would sue us for calling him ‚father.‘

To be a successful father… there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.

You’ve got to invest in the world, you’ve got to read, you’ve got to go to art galleries, you’ve got to find out the names of plants. You’ve got to start to love the world and know about the whole genius of the human race. We’re amazing people.

The poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese.

Humor must not professedly teach and it must not professedly preach, but it must do both if it would live forever.

I laugh and joke, but I don’t get distracted very easily.

My father was a great sympathizer of Ahad Ha’am. Every Friday night we would read Hebrew together, and often the reading was Ahad Ha’am’s essays.

When people laugh at Mickey Mouse, it’s because he’s so human; and that is the secret of his popularity.

A reader can never tell if it’s a real thimble or an imaginary thimble, because by the time you’re reading it, they’re the same. It’s a thimble. It’s in the book.

The man who reads nothing at all is better educated than the man who reads nothing but newspapers.

Books are alive, you see. They’re not dead, they’re alive.

I love nerdy, cute, quirky boys who don’t take themselves too seriously.

I’m not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb… and I also know that I’m not blonde.