Are you laboring under the impression that I read these memoranda of yours? I can’t even lift them.

If you look at me close enough, there’s a small resemblance to a chicken nugget. I don’t know if it’s my skin texture or my hair, but the resemblance is definitely there.

‚Mystic River‘ just smelled interesting to me. So I read it and liked it right away. Even the dialogue in it was great.

To a philosopher all news, as it is called, is gossip, and they who edit and read it are old women over their tea.

No one will ever win the battle of the sexes; there’s too much fraternizing with the enemy.

I have never developed indigestion from eating my words.

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you’re in the wrong house, that’s what it means.

You might be the funniest guy in the world, but if you don’t have anything to talk about, people are eventually going to gravitate towards the guy that’s actually saying something.

For me, it’s a purity thing about the joke itself. It’s a test of a joke whether or not you do it completely clean and it works. If it does, then that’s a legitimate item you have there. For me, it’s nothing to do with finding those words offensive. It’s just not what I’m in search of. Do it clean, and you are really earning that laugh.

When you read, I’m sure you don’t realize that your eyes are going backwards and forwards and to this place and that place. Mine don’t do that.

The only difference between death and taxes is that death doesn’t get worse every time Congress meets.

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

MySpace is my wife… Facebook is my mistress.

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it’s feet first!

If you can’t read, it’s going to be hard to realize dreams.

I grew up reading science fiction.

By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man’s, I mean.

It’s a funny old world.

I am not afraid of death, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

But, you know, it’s still a drag to get your picture taken when you’re eating a sandwich. It’s a downer.

My goal is to make everyone and anyone a Kevin Hart fan.

The Bible illustrated by Dore occupied many of my hours – and I think probably gave me many nightmares.

God is a comedian, playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.

Books are the treasured wealth of the world and the fit inheritance of generations and nations.

If I had to describe myself to an alien I’d say I was bigger than the average human, enjoy a drink or two with a good meal and have a bigger head than most. I’d also say I’m really handsome – especially if they were a female alien.

Reading is to the mind what exercise is to the body.

Everything I say is a joke. I am a joke myself.

When I was 10 years old, I loved – I loved books, and I used to haunt the secondhand bookshop. And I found a little book I could just afford, and I bought it, and I took it home. And I climbed up my favorite tree, and I read that book from cover to cover. And that was Tarzan of the Apes. I immediately fell in love with Tarzan.

The mere brute pleasure of reading the sort of pleasure a cow must have in grazing.

Don’t be getting sloppy drunk and telling them dirty jokes.

In Hollywood the woods are full of people that learned to write but evidently can’t read. If they could read their stuff, they’d stop writing.

You can’t trample infidels when you’re a tortoise. I mean, all you could do is give them a meaningful look.

I mean, families are weird.

When I was seven or eight years old, I began to read the science-fiction magazines that were brought by guests into my grandparents‘ boarding house in Waukegan, Illinois. Those were the years when Hugo Gernsback was publishing ‚Amazing Stories,‘ with vivid, appallingly imaginative cover paintings that fed my hungry imagination.

You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.

I’m not denyin‘ the women are foolish. God Almighty made ‚em to match the men.

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they’re eating sandwiches.

Reading computer manuals without the hardware is as frustrating as reading sex manuals without the software.

You must understand the whole of life, not just one little part of it. That is why you must read, that is why you must look at the skies, that is why you must sing and dance, and write poems and suffer and understand, for all that is life.

I’ve always had to conquer fear when I’m on stage. Basically, I was and still am a very shy person. It’s absolutely in conflict with what I do. But once I deliver the first joke I’m okay. It’s like I’m out there all by myself just delivering my lines to nobody in particular without ever trying to notice the audience in front of me.

Take my wife… Please!

The true university of these days is a collection of books.

I have written a book. This will come as quite a shock to some. They didn’t think I could read, much less write.

Life being very short, and the quiet hours of it few, we ought to waste none of them in reading valueless books.

Marrying an old bachelor is like buying second-hand furniture.

People make jokes about my bosoms, why don’t they look underneath the breasts at the heart? It’s obvious I’ve got big ones and if people want to assume they’re not mine, then let them.

My life has been one great big joke, a dance that’s walked a song that’s spoke, I laugh so hard I almost choke when I think about myself.

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

Be thankful we’re not getting all the government we’re paying for.

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

There was a time when people said, ‚Jim, if you keep on making faces, your face will freeze like that.‘ Now they just say, ‚Pay him!‘

Pessimist: One who, when he has the choice of two evils, chooses both.

I read to my kid, but I can’t stand reading.

O Day of days when we can read! The reader and the book, either without the other is naught.

I’m not confused. I’m just well mixed.

Men show their character in nothing more clearly than what they think laughable.

I read poetry to save time.

Homework’s hard. Especially math. My kids joke with me. They tell me they have homework. I say, ‚Okay.‘ And then I sit down and they say, ‚It’s math.‘ ‚No! Not math! English, history, anything!‘

I used to take my short stories to girls‘ homes and read them to them. Can you imagine the reaction reading a short story to a girl instead of pawing her?

I sing and play the guitar, and I’m a walking, talking bacterial infection.

I’m always amazed that people take what I say seriously. I don’t even take what I am seriously.