Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time… I think I’ve forgotten this before.
Steven WrightPeople get a kick out of my stupidity.
Dolly PartonI always say the strength of democracy lies in criticism. If there is no criticism, that means there is no democracy. And if you want to grow, you must invite criticism. And I want to grow; I want to invite criticism.
Narendra ModiIt goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.
Erma BombeckThat which is not good for the bee-hive cannot be good for the bees.
Marcus AureliusBetter a witty fool than a foolish wit.
William ShakespeareFor me, writing a novel is like having a dream. Writing a novel lets me intentionally dream while I’m still awake. I can continue yesterday’s dream today, something you can’t normally do in everyday life.
Haruki MurakamiI’m sure we, the American people, are the butt of jokes by those in power.
Alice WalkerOf puns it has been said that those who most dislike them are those who are least able to utter them.
Edgar Allan PoeIf a politician found he had cannibals among his constituents, he would promise them missionaries for dinner.
H. L. MenckenIf all the economists were laid end to end, they’d never reach a conclusion.
George Bernard ShawBe thankful we’re not getting all the government we’re paying for.
Will RogersI hate to be smart.
Paulo CoelhoThe greatest thing about being a comedian is knowing other comedians. And you get to talk to them. Its the most fun.
Jerry SeinfeldIf I am not allowed to laugh in heaven, I don’t want to go there.
Martin LutherI told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
Henny YoungmanHenry Kissinger should have the door shut in his face by every decent person and should be shamed, ostracized and excluded.
Christopher HitchensMy son is becoming me – just a silly, silly prankster guy.
Kevin HartI have a very strict gun control policy: if there’s a gun around, I want to be in control of it.
Clint EastwoodFrom my close observation of writers… they fall into two groups: 1) those who bleed copiously and visibly at any bad review, and 2) those who bleed copiously and secretly at any bad review.
Isaac AsimovFrisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
George CarlinI was kind of secretly hoping one of my kids would go out and make a million bucks. So when they put me in a home, at least I’ll have a window with a view.
Joe BidenEvery time I hear a politician mention the word ‚stimulus,‘ my mind flashes back to high school biology class, when I touched battery wires to a dead frog to make it twitch.
Robert KiyosakiI remember straightening my hair because I wanted to be like everybody else, and now the fact that anybody would emulate what I do? It’s just funny.
Taylor SwiftEverything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else.
Will RogersCrankiness is at the essence of all comedy. My wife and I were discussing the different types of cranky. There’s entertaining cranky, annoying cranky, angry cranky.
Jerry SeinfeldThe mainstream is always under attack.
Bill GatesI guess if I’m a product, either you’re chocolate, you’re vanilla or you’re butterscotch. You can’t be all three.
Bruno MarsThe other day I… uh, no, that wasn’t me.
Steven WrightPeople who do not know how to laugh are always pompous and self-conceited.
William Makepeace ThackerayWhen I am abroad, I always make it a rule never to criticize or attack the government of my own country. I make up for lost time when I come home.
Winston ChurchillI’m comfortable in my own skin, no matter how far it’s stretched. Ha ha.
Dolly PartonThe Tea Party movement itself is maybe 15, 20 percent of the electorate. It’s relatively affluent, white, nativist. You know, it has rather traditional nativist streaks to it. But what is much more important, I think, is the – is its outrage.
Noam ChomskyI sing and play the guitar, and I’m a walking, talking bacterial infection.
Kurt CobainThey say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.
Clint EastwoodThere is nothing so difficult to marry as a large nose.
Oscar WildeMilitary justice is to justice what military music is to music.
Groucho MarxI know black people love the idea that we finally have a beautiful, good-looking black president. But if he is doing awful things to us, we should wake up.
Alice WalkerI have learned that only two things are necessary to keep one’s wife happy. First, let her think she’s having her own way. And second, let her have it.
Lyndon B. JohnsonOnly one in four jokes ever works, and I still can’t predict what people will laugh at.
Steven WrightThe only advantage of not being too good a housekeeper is that your guests are so pleased to feel how very much better they are.
Eleanor RooseveltA man’s only as old as the woman he feels.
Groucho MarxOnly kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to use the editorial ‚we.‘
Mark TwainBigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
Oscar WildeCut out all these exclamation points. An exclamation point is like laughing at your own joke.
F. Scott FitzgeraldI don’t like magic – but I have been known to make guys disappear.
Mr. TStanding ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.
George CarlinWomanist is to feminist as purple is to lavender.
Alice WalkerIf you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
George Bernard ShawIn my house I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.
Woody AllenA correct answer is like an affectionate kiss.
Johann Wolfgang von GoetheNothing induces me to read a novel except when I have to make money by writing about it. I detest them.
Virginia WoolfI particularly like Twitter, because it’s short and can be very funny and informative. It’s a little bit like having your own radio program.
Margaret AtwoodWhenever I write a novel, music just sort of naturally slips in (much like cats do, I suppose).
Haruki MurakamiThis must be Thursday. I never could get the hang of Thursdays.
Douglas AdamsTrue humor springs not more from the head than from the heart. It is not contempt; its essence is love. It issues not in laughter, but in still smiles, which lie far deeper.
Thomas CarlyleGentle dullness ever loves a joke.
Alexander PopeIs life worth living? It all depends on the liver.
William JamesTake my wife… Please!
Henny YoungmanShe’s been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.
Henny Youngman