Any reviewer who expresses rage and loathing for a novel is preposterous. He or she is like a person who has put on full armor and attacked a hot fudge sundae.

Everything I say is a joke. I am a joke myself.

I always say the strength of democracy lies in criticism. If there is no criticism, that means there is no democracy. And if you want to grow, you must invite criticism. And I want to grow; I want to invite criticism.

I like the app where you can make your own memes. I make memes all the time and send them to my friends.

I look just like the girls next door… if you happen to live next door to an amusement park.

I’ve tried to reduce profanity but I reduced so much profanity when writing the book that I’m afraid not much could come out. Perhaps we will have to consider it simply as a profane book and hope that the next book will be less profane or perhaps more sacred.

I have no problem yelling at anybody’s kid – free of charge!

When I was a kid, I had a tendency to criticize. But when I did, my mum would whisk me off to the bathroom to stand in front of a mirror. Ten minutes, never less. To think about how criticism is a poor reflection on the one who criticizes.

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can’t predict what people will laugh at.

MySpace is my wife… Facebook is my mistress.

When I am abroad, I always make it a rule never to criticize or attack the government of my own country. I make up for lost time when I come home.

I have learned that only two things are necessary to keep one’s wife happy. First, let her think she’s having her own way. And second, let her have it.

Life would be tragic if it weren’t funny.

It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.

People really had a problem with my disinterest in submission. They had a problem with my intellect, and they had a problem with my choice of lovers. They had a problem with my choice of everything.

Black people comprehend the South. We understand its weight. It has rested on our backs… I knew that my heart would break if ever I put my foot down on that soil, moist, still, with old hurts. I had to face the fear/loathing at its source or it would consume me whole.

The sway of alcohol over mankind is unquestionably due to its power to stimulate the mystical faculties of human nature, usually crushed to earth by the cold facts and dry criticisms of the sober hour.

A statesman who confines himself to popular legislation – or, for the matter of that, a playwright who confines himself to popular plays – is like a blind man’s dog who goes wherever the blind man pulls him, on the ground that both of them want to go to the same place.

That which is not good for the bee-hive cannot be good for the bees.

Concede that the new government of Louisiana is only to what it should be, as the egg is to the fowl; we shall sooner have the fowl by hatching the egg than by smashing it.

The more violent the storm, the quicker it passes.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.

When writing a novel a writer should create living people; people not characters. A character is a caricature.

What makes all doctrines plain and clear? About two hundred pounds a year. And that which was proved true before, prove false again? Two hundred more.

When I was with Andy Warhol, I thought, ‚God, his wig looks cheaper than mine!‘

The right honourable gentleman caught the Whigs bathing, and walked away with their clothes. He has left them in the full enjoyment of their liberal positions, and he is himself a strict conservative of their garments.

I love nerdy, cute, quirky boys who don’t take themselves too seriously.

Praise undeserved, is satire in disguise.

I’m not a serious person, and I don’t like serious people.

A novel is never anything, but a philosophy put into images.

When I die, I’m leaving my body to science fiction.

If you’re serious, you really understand that it’s important that you laugh as much as possible and admit that you’re the funniest person you ever met. You have to laugh. Admit that you’re funny. Otherwise, you die in solemnity.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and I’m here to help.

I’ve just had eighteen straight whiskies. I think that’s the record.

He has a right to criticize, who has a heart to help.

Hell is full of musical amateurs.

And God help Bruce Springsteen when they decide he’s no longer God… They’ll turn on him, and I hope he survives it.

There are definitely people who disagree with certain creative decisions you make. Pleasing everyone is pretty hard.

I know some of the best Dolly Parton jokes. I made ‚em up myself.

My philosophy is, it’s always very rewarding when you can make an audience laugh. I don’t mind making fun of myself. I like self-deprecating comedy. But I’d like you to laugh with me occasionally, too.

House guests should be regarded as perishables: Leave them out too long and they go bad.

Conventional people are roused to fury by departure from convention, largely because they regard such departure as a criticism of themselves.

As an athlete, you’d better laugh at yourself when you slip in the mud.

Painting, I think it’s like jazz.

I was the only kid who anybody I knew has ever seen actually walk into a lamppost with his eyes wide open. Everybody assumed that there must be something going on inside, because there sure as hell wasn’t anything going on on the outside!

When you’re in comedy, people always come up and say, ‚Oh, it must be so hard.‘ It really isn’t hard unless you’re not good at it. If you can do it, its really kind of fun and easy.

I have often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can’t get my wife to go swimming.

I tend to approach things from a physics framework. And physics teaches you to reason from first principles rather than by analogy.

But, you know, it’s still a drag to get your picture taken when you’re eating a sandwich. It’s a downer.

I didn’t start sweating until I had children. That was one of the first things I realized when my daughter Violet was born – I started getting wicked BO. You know there’s a difference between basketball BO and stress BO? This was definitely stress BO. Like, new dad BO.

I would be loath to speak ill of any person who I do not know deserves it, but I am afraid he is an attorney.

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

In criticism I will be bold, and as sternly, absolutely just with friend and foe. From this purpose nothing shall turn me.

I don’t think comedy will ever die.

You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, ‚See if you can blow this out.‘

If you look at me close enough, there’s a small resemblance to a chicken nugget. I don’t know if it’s my skin texture or my hair, but the resemblance is definitely there.

When a man says money can do anything, that settles it: he hasn’t got any.

People make jokes about my bosoms, why don’t they look underneath the breasts at the heart? It’s obvious I’ve got big ones and if people want to assume they’re not mine, then let them.

Some sarcasm is best told simply.

You know, my Grandpop Finnegan used to have an expression: he used to say, ‚Joey, the guy in Olyphant’s out of work, it’s an economic slowdown. When your brother-in-law’s out of work, it’s a recession. When you’re out of work, it’s a depression.‘