An unemployed court jester is nobody’s fool.

Since the very beginning, Emeril’s had a sense of humor about me calling him names and poking fun at him.

It’s sometimes comical to hear the younger generation ask their peers to repeat themselves.

I think it’s funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive.

God is a comedian, playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.

Stand-up is hard.

I like quips. I like whiffs of cynicism and I think they can be witty. But I don’t really know where wittiness is constructive.

I remember the first time I heard a teenager say ‚LOL.‘ Just what? But it means ‚laugh.‘ Why don’t you just laugh? What are you doing?

I was training to be an electrician. I suppose I got wired the wrong way round somewhere along the line.

A friend of mine jokes that I have a painstaking royalty complex. Like maybe I was a duke in a past life.

What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin.

People may think I’m trying something new by telling stories, but they’re just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That’s what I do.

I don’t write material. Funny things happen to me in the course of a day, and I just make notes.

The gods too are fond of a joke.

Humor is reason gone mad.

A lot of people think I’m a comedian.

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn’t pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for their final exam.

I met Woz when I was 13, at a friend’s garage. He was about 18. He was, like, the first person I met who knew more electronics than I did at that point. We became good friends, because we shared an interest in computers and we had a sense of humor. We pulled all kinds of pranks together.

All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.

I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.

My mother is from another time – the funniest person to her is Lucille Ball; that’s what she loves. A lot of times she tells me she doesn’t know what I’m talking about. I know if I wasn’t her son and she was flipping through the TV and saw me, she would just keep going.

But there are advantages to being elected President. The day after I was elected, I had my high school grades classified Top Secret.

Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.

It’s very interesting, the joke comes first and then the wording comes within five seconds, maybe ten seconds. My thing is to get the joke across in as few words as possible. However, sometimes a word that’s not really needed does help the rhythm of it. It’s a gut feeling.

I would never win an award for not loving pizza.

Someone once asked me, ‚How long does it take to do your hair.‘ I said, ‚I don’t know, I’m never there.‘

Why don’t Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.

There’s no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it’s feet first!

It’s a good thing we don’t get all the government we pay for.

There is nothing in which people more betray their character than in what they laugh at.

Everyone has at least one story, and each of us is funny if we admit it. You have to admit you’re the funniest person you’ve ever heard of.

I am a dangerous man when turned loose with a typewriter.

Humorists can never start to take themselves seriously. It’s literary suicide.

There’s nothing like white trash at the White House.

I’m always amazed that people take what I say seriously. I don’t even take what I am seriously.

It is the test of a good religion whether you can joke about it.

Jesters do often prove prophets.

I know some of the best Dolly Parton jokes. I made ‚em up myself.

Praise undeserved, is satire in disguise.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

My family was mostly unemployed working class.

Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.

Any reviewer who expresses rage and loathing for a novel is preposterous. He or she is like a person who has put on full armor and attacked a hot fudge sundae.

This country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as when the baby gets hold of a hammer.

Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

What makes all doctrines plain and clear? About two hundred pounds a year. And that which was proved true before, prove false again? Two hundred more.

I must have read every issue of ‚Punch‘ published in the 20th century, and I think in the process I picked up the true voice of English humour – that amiable, fairly liberal, laconic voice which you find in something like ‚Three Men in a Boat.‘

When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, ‚Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.‘

I don’t believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

Is life worth living? It all depends on the liver.

I wanted to get a job being creative, and I did.

Since childhood, I’ve been a clown. I’ve always liked being very funny or trying to make people laugh. It’s my original self.

I confess I enjoy democracy immensely. It is incomparably idiotic, and hence incomparably amusing.

I love people who make me laugh. I honestly think it’s the thing I like most, to laugh. It cures a multitude of ills. It’s probably the most important thing in a person.

People say I look so happy – and I say, ‚That’s the Botox.‘

In 1969, I gave up women and alcohol – it was the worst 20 minutes of my life.

Why can’t I just eat my waffle?

Jerry Ford is so dumb he can’t fart and chew gum at the same time.