An idealist is one who, on noticing that roses smell better than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup.

An onion can make people cry but there’s never been a vegetable that can make people laugh.

Lo! The poor Indian, whose untutored mind sees God in clouds, or hears him in the wind.

Glance into the world just as though time were gone: and everything crooked will become straight to you.

Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else.

Words are only painted fire; a look is the fire itself.

Instead of comparing our lot with that of those who are more fortunate than we are, we should compare it with the lot of the great majority of our fellow men. It then appears that we are among the privileged.

I’ve been called a moron since I was about four. My father called me a moron. My grandfather said I was a moron. And a lot of times when I’m driving, I hear I’m a moron. I like being a moron.

A man’s only as old as the woman he feels.

Humor is the first of the gifts to perish in a foreign tongue.

A friend of mine jokes that I have a painstaking royalty complex. Like maybe I was a duke in a past life.

I go on working for the same reason that a hen goes on laying eggs.

Reality leaves a lot to the imagination.

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?

Video is growing very quickly on Facebook. A lot of people compare that to YouTube. I think that kind of makes sense. YouTube isn’t the only video service, but I think it’s the biggest, and it probably makes more sense to compare Facebook video to YouTube rather than Netflix because that’s a completely different kind of content.

I sing and play the guitar, and I’m a walking, talking bacterial infection.

More than anything else, I want the folks back at home to think right of me.

We must laugh at man to avoid crying for him.

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.

It disturbs me no more to find men base, unjust, or selfish than to see apes mischievous, wolves savage, or the vulture ravenous.

In retrospect, I do think it’s fair to say that we were overly idealistic and focused on more of the good parts of what connecting people and giving people a voice can bring.

Of Manners gentle, of Affections mild; In Wit a man; Simplicity, a child.

Praise undeserved, is satire in disguise.

I confused things with their names: that is belief.

There are very few people who really appreciate my shows. People come to the show and they pay and they enjoy it, but I don’t really think most people really understand what they’ve seen.

It’s true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance?

It was really hard for them to intimidate me. They felt I was intimidating. One of the growers had a name for me: I think it was ‚dragon lady‘ or something like it.

Even though the risks of death are higher driving than flying, many people would rather drive simply because they feel they have more control driving. The facts are that only a few hundred people die a year flying, and 44,000 are killed a year driving.

All that we see or seem is but a dream within a dream.

It’s true that obscenity is a matter of taste and in the eye of the beholder.

In Italy they take cheap cloth and make it look expensive, but I take expensive cloth and make it look cheap. They just don’t understand.

I love making people laugh. And I love laughing.

But there are advantages to being elected President. The day after I was elected, I had my high school grades classified Top Secret.

We tend to mistake music for the physical object.

How sweet is the perception of a new natural fact!

I like the app where you can make your own memes. I make memes all the time and send them to my friends.

I tell you, we are here on Earth to fart around, and don’t let anybody tell you different.

When I am getting ready to reason with a man, I spend one-third of my time thinking about myself and what I am going to say and two-thirds about him and what he is going to say.

I have a very strict gun control policy: if there’s a gun around, I want to be in control of it.

The outside perception and inside perception of Microsoft are so different. The view of Microsoft inside Microsoft is always kind of an underdog thing.

To be in love is merely to be in a state of perceptual anesthesia – to mistake an ordinary young woman for a goddess.

There is a soak-the-rich attitude in the air, a feeling that if you have a lot of money you must have got it by some ghastly means. I can quite happily say there was never any family money. All the money we got was mine, just from writing books.

I was always making my friends laugh, but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom.

I like the way the stories of my relationships sound to music more than the way they look in print, in gossip columns or in me talking about them in interviews. I think it’s a better way of telling the stories.

People who do not know how to laugh are always pompous and self-conceited.

But we try to pretend, you see, that the external world exists altogether independently of us.

Anybody with a sense of humor is going to put on my album and laugh from beginning to end.

Thinking is more interesting than knowing, but less interesting than looking.

Few people have the imagination for reality.

To us also, through every star, through every blade of grass, is not God made visible if we will open our minds and our eyes.

Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

No one would talk much in society if they knew how often they misunderstood others.

There is a rumour going around that I have found God. I think this is unlikely because I have enough difficulty finding my keys, and there is empirical evidence that they exist.

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, ‚What for?‘ I said, ‚I’m going to buy some sugar.‘

Sometimes I wonder if I’m as famous for my wheelchair and disabilities as I am for my discoveries.

The only advantage of not being too good a housekeeper is that your guests are so pleased to feel how very much better they are.

Don’t compare yourself with other people; compare yourself with who you were yesterday.

You can always count on Americans to do the right thing – after they’ve tried everything else.

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.