All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Marriage is neither heaven nor hell, it is simply purgatory.

If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.

Babies don’t need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach… it pisses me off! I’ll go over to a little baby and say ‚What are you doing here? You haven’t worked a day in your life!‘

When I’m being funny, I try not to offend. I don’t think much of what I’ve done has been in really ghastly taste. I don’t think I have embarrassed many people or distressed them.

My son is becoming me – just a silly, silly prankster guy.

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

You can call me the bad boy chef all you want. I’m not going to freak out about it. I’m not that bad. I’m certainly not a boy, and it’s been a while since I’ve been a chef.

When I die, I’m gonna leave my body to science fiction.

I was training to be an electrician. I suppose I got wired the wrong way round somewhere along the line.

Men often take their imagination for their heart; and they believe they are converted as soon as they think of being converted.

Contrary to reports, this boy is not a billionaire or going to be richer than any Beatle… and not just in the sense of money, by the way; the Beatles are untouchable – those billionaire reports are a joke.

I’ve exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.

Religion is regarded by the common people as true, by the wise as false, and by the rulers as useful.

When you’re coming up with new material, it’s not always gonna be good. The only way to learn is for it not to get a laugh, so you can adjust it and come back the next day to see if it’s working right. Next time, you might get a different laugh. You’re constantly rebuilding.

Never pick a fight with people who buy ink by the barrel.

Faith is about trusting God when you have unanswered questions.

I don’t like magic – but I have been known to make guys disappear.

A casual stroll through the lunatic asylum shows that faith does not prove anything.

Faith embraces many truths which seem to contradict each other.

There is another old poet whose name I do not now remember who said, ‚Truth is the daughter of Time.‘

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

If you can make a girl laugh, you can make her do anything.

If a man has not discovered something that he will die for, he isn’t fit to live.

I’m comfortable in my own skin, no matter how far it’s stretched. Ha ha.

Dear friends, we may well sing to our Beloved when it is near the time of our departure. It draws near, and as it approaches, we must not dread it, but rather thank God for it.

Condemn me. It does not matter. History will absolve me.

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

A lot of times, you could play me just the laughs from my set, and I could tell you, from the laugh, what the joke was. Because they match.

It has always been my private conviction that any man who puts his intelligence up against a fish and loses had it coming.

Being no bigot myself to any mode of worship, I am disposed to endulge the professors of Christianity in the church, that road to heaven which to them shall seem the most direct plainest easiest and least liable to exception.

The songs are my lexicon. I believe the songs.

There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.

When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.

The book, ’12 Rules For Life,‘ is a very serious book. There’s elements of humor in it, but I’m trying to struggle with things at the deepest possible level and to explain to people why it’s necessary to live a upstanding and noble and moral and truthful and responsible life, and why there’s hell to pay if you don’t do that.

If women believed in their husbands they would be a good deal happier and also a good deal more foolish.

I laugh all the time – at things, people, stuff, whatever. But, I don’t laugh onstage because then it’s serious business.

This above all; to thine own self be true.

If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

I don’t know half of you half as well as I should like; and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve.

Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.

The intelligent man finds almost everything ridiculous, the sensible man hardly anything.

I think that, ah, I’m a very goofy sort of person in many ways.

Base souls have no faith in great individuals.

If I am not allowed to laugh in heaven, I don’t want to go there.

If a politician found he had cannibals among his constituents, he would promise them missionaries for dinner.

The heresy of one age becomes the orthodoxy of the next.

I like quips. I like whiffs of cynicism and I think they can be witty. But I don’t really know where wittiness is constructive.

When I jumped off a roof in Cannes in a bee costume, I looked ridiculous. But this is my business; I have to humiliate myself.

I’m not sure what you need first – the players believing or others believing in them – but in the end, both have to think it.

Only kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to use the editorial ‚we.‘

If somebody thinks they’re a hedgehog, presumably you just give ‚em a mirror and a few pictures of hedgehogs and tell them to sort it out for themselves.

I intend, before the endgame looms, to die sitting in a chair in my own garden with a glass of brandy in my hand and Thomas Tallis on the iPod. Oh, and since this is England, I had better add, ‚If wet, in the library.‘ Who could say that this is bad?

Conversion is not my intention. Changing religion is not easy. You may develop some kind of confusion or difficulties.

It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to have to paint it.

My mother is from another time – the funniest person to her is Lucille Ball; that’s what she loves. A lot of times she tells me she doesn’t know what I’m talking about. I know if I wasn’t her son and she was flipping through the TV and saw me, she would just keep going.

I’ve had faith my whole life that there was someone looking out for me, a spirit guide, a soul guide.

People get a kick out of my stupidity.

Most people wouldn’t know music if it came up and bit them on the ass.

Next to God we are nothing. To God we are Everything.